I’ve been silent on my blog lately, and over the last few weeks I spent some time considering whether or not I want to continue to post here. I’ve given it thought before, but I’ve never considered it as strongly as I have recently.
How many times can I post that I struggle with the amount of food that I want to eat versus the amount of food that I should eat? How many times can I tell myself (and you) that I’m going to start trying again? How many times can I stand to lose battles before I finally admit that I’ve lost the war?
A few weeks ago I wrote a post in which I declared that “All The Weigh” had come to an end, but I didn’t publish it because I don’t want it to come to an end. I don’t want to give up on this journey even though I feel like I’m slipping as I try desperately to cling to the belief that I can do this.
I used to believe in myself. I used to believe that I was worth more than a cupcake or a bowl of popcorn or any other object that kept me away from my goal. I used to know that I would reach my goal. There was a time in which I believed that the world was waiting for me to take it by storm, but over the last year or two those feelings have deteriorated.
I am so tired of feeling guilty when I eat something that I know isn’t good for me. I’m tired of listening to people who have lost the same amount of weight as me (or less) preach about how we don’t lose weight “until we really want to.” I’m tired of hearing that there are people on the web devoting their blogs to hating me and judging me because I have the nerve to be fat. I’m tired of the constant battle that exists in my mind when I debate whether or not I should hit the gym. I’m just tired….tired of all of it.
Though many of us don’t have the audacity to admit it, many of us as bloggers are chasing the same things – love, positive attention, support, acceptance… We want to hear that we can do it, and that we’re liked just the way we are. We need that. I need that. I’ve gotten a lot of support and encouragement here over the years, but lately I’ve been experiencing life in a different way.
I’ve spent less time engaging in social media and more time engaging with people face to face, and that has been a positive thing too. I’m building relationships with friends that I’ve discussed here before as well as people that I haven’t mentioned yet. And though I was raised in church, for the first time in my life I’m trying to build a relationship with God too. I feel more at peace and more fulfilled than I’ve felt in as long as I can remember, but taking a break from my blog has reminded me that I need to be here.
I need to share my feelings and struggles and successes because falling on my face, admitting and trying again is better than the alternative. Thomas Edison tried and failed countless times before he got it right, but when he did, he transformed life as we knew it. Maybe I won’t change the world, but if I continue trying to change mine maybe I’ll succeed at some point too.
As much as it sucks to feel like everyone else is succeeding while I’m stuck in this rut, being stuck here feels worse. The wise man who created the light bulb once said, ” When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: you haven’t.”
Giving up would be easier. It would be far less humiliating than stumbling over my own failures time and again too, but it wouldn’t make anything better. It wouldn’t change the fact that I need to be in control of myself, my body and my food choices, nor would it change the fact that I need to work extraordinarily hard if I’m going to conquer this.
I know what I need to do, but I haven’t been doing it. I’ve said it so many times, but I’m going to keep saying it until I get it right. If you’ve given up on me, I can’t say that I blame you, but I am not giving up on myself. I’ll update my weigh-in log next week when I step on the scale, and I’ll log my June workouts too.
You don’t have to be here, but if you are, I’m humbled and thankful. I’m also thankful for this new day because it is filled with opportunities to change and grow. I’m going to finish what I started even if that means that I have to spend the rest of my life starting over.
Sometimes this journey sucks, but it’s not over yet.