I’d say it ten million times if it would actually change anything, but will it? I know that actions speak louder than words, but my actions for the last couple of years have been sincere, humble and contrite.
Someone who hasn’t bothered being my friend in months (for unrelated reasons) recently sent me a few random text messages scolding me for things that I did in the past, and my initial instinct was to be pissed. After all, people who love you shouldn’t be so judgmental without even giving you an opportunity to speak, but the truth is that I forgive myself for the stupid things I did in the past. Forgiveness doesn’t change it or excuse it, but it does allow me to move forward. Graces gives me the ability to do better.
I’ve made no attempt to shield the fact that I spent a long time (years) lying to myself and those around me. I talk about it here from time to time. I hated who I was – a girl who had given up on herself and resented herself greatly for it.
I often chose to escape my feelings of self-hatred by imagining myself as someone else, but in time, I started imagining myself as someone that I wanted to be. I just didn’t know how to do it. Where do you start when it feels like it’s too late?
Living behind the sham of a perfect life that I wished I could have was exhausting, and it was also incredibly lonely. I kept everyone at a distance, and looking back I know that I lived that way because it was the only chance I had to fool everyone (even though I wasn’t actually fooling anyone.)
In my mind, appearing as someone who was happy and successful was my only hope because there was no way I could actually be happy. Pretending that I was something other than a fat, pathetic loser felt better than being one, and though I have said it many times before, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for trying so desperately to make people think I had it together.
I’m sorry for not explaining why I didn’t do things the way that I should.
I’m sorry that I lied.
I’m sorry that I allowed myself to become addicted to food instead of facing the reasons that led me to wanting to end my life.
I’m sorry that I pretended to be brighter and more successful than I was.
I’m sorry that I didn’t explain that I changed my name (or why I did it.)
I’m sorry for the times I pretended to be someone else online in order to escape my pathetic, hate-filled relationship with myself.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t myself.
I’m sorry for all of the times that I didn’t try hard enough to tell the truth.
I’m sorry I hurt my family.
I’m sorry that I made excuses instead of trying harder to change.
I’m sorry that I wasted so many years hating myself and wishing that I could be pretty and smart and witty and all-around amazing.
I’m sorry that I blamed everyone except myself for the problems that I had created for myself.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
This is not the first time that I’ve acknowledged hurting people that I loved because I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) just tell the truth, and it probably won’t be the last time I talk about it because so much of my journey to get to a healthy and happy place involves letting go of all of the B.S. that brought me to that dark, unhappy, lonely existence in the first place.
I am human, and too many times I’ve been a shitty human. I have made many mistakes, and my past is checkered with regret. Here’s the thing though…I don’t know how to go back and erase those regrets. It is impossible rewind and make new choices that I know I should have made at the time. I haven’t put much effort into seeking out people that I’ve hurt because frankly, if I were them, I wouldn’t want to talk to me.
I can’t change the past, but I’m trying really damn hard to do the right things now. Actually, I’ve been trying. I have accepted that I can’t go back and fix everything I did wrong, or show every person I’ve ever hurt that I love them and that I’m sorry. I know that I won’t always get a second chance, and though I wish it could be different, I realize that I’ve already been blessed with far more than I deserve.
Maybe some of you have never given up on yourself, never told a lie or hurt someone that mattered to you. Maybe you don’t understand what it’s like to hate yourself so much that you wish you could be anyone other than yourself. Maybe you’ve never experienced feelings of inadequacy or self-loathing and/or self-pity. If that’s the case, that’s great!
I’ve never been perfect, and you won’t’ hear me say otherwise here or anywhere else. I’m heavily flawed, but I’m also forgiven…at least by God and my family. I can’t expect everyone to forgive me for the times in which I was flat wrong, but I do expect to continue growing in this honest, sometimes exciting, sometimes interesting life that I have carved out for myself over the last couple of years.
It’s not easy to look back and think about the things I regret, but it has helped shape who I am now. I wish I had a perfect track record among my friends, family ex-boyfriends, etc., but I’m going to love myself in spite of the fact that I don’t.
I’m also going to continue striving to be a person that I’m proud of. I’ve made some serious progress toward being honest, sincere and proud of who I am, and I don’t intend to let those things define me forever.
When I think of the people I’ve hurt, I picture some very specific faces. I hope that someday I can seek forgiveness from them and find it, but for now, all I know to do is not make the same mistakes in the relationships I have now. It feels good to be myself, to allow people in and to let them love me back. It feels good to know that I have unconditional love from my family and from God.
If you’re reading this and I’ve hurt you, I’m sorry…truly. I don’t know what else to say…….