Last week I wrote about the positive changes that have occurred in my life over the last couple of years. After years of feeling unsettled, I finally have a happy little routine. My life isn’t perfect, but I am definitely moving in the right direction in many areas. I’m happy with myself and my day to day life.
I find myself saying “thank you” when I think about the things that finally feel right again, and I’m sincere. I just want to look different. I suppose I want to feel different too (even though it’s hard to imagine feeling better than I do.) I know that my health should always be a priority, and I just want to finish what I started.
I used to exercise whether I wanted to or not, but I have lacked consistency in that lately. In the last 30 days, I have done Bikram yoga several times. I have also done Zumba and various forms of cardio, but I’m not doing as much as I should be doing. That’s easy enough to change though. I don’t mind the workouts – particularly after I remember how great I feel when I do it, but the food part is harder for me.
It is no secret that I eat more than I should. I don’t binge eat, but I eat a few hundred calories more than I should in order to lose weight almost everyday. I’m not sure if one is worse than the other, but I know that I’m not giving myself a chance to get it right.
Earlier this year I realized that I let my weight (and prior weight-loss) define me as a human-being. I often wish I could walk into a room wearing a sign that says “Yeah, I need to lose weight. I know, but I used to be much bigger than this.” I wish I could explain that I’m happier with my life than I’ve been in years (except for the obesity part.)
I’m not sure if this is the time in which I’ll get it right or not, but I’m going to keep trying. I did some healthy things for myself last month, and I’m going to do more this month. I’m not going to post any lofty goals today, but I’m going to make some small changes this month and go from there.
I took a photo of myself on my 33rd birthday (last Friday) because I love the dress I was wearing – and because I’m working to make some healthy physical changes so that I can look and feel exponentially different in my 34th birthday photo.
No one can take away the things that bring me joy now because they come from inside of me. They come from knowing that through my faults, I still have to ability to make progress. I also find a lot of joy in the progress that I’ve made within my mind because it seems impossible to fix the outside without fixing the inside first.
I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and I am looking forward to a future in which I will look back at this photo and say thank you again…