Kenlie’s Self-Imposed Dating Ban

Dating is hard when you’re overweight.  Actually, I suppose it’s tough to meet the right person regardless of size, but I’ve decided that I need to make some changes in regards to how I look at it so I’m starting now.  I’m going date-free for at least 30 days.

I rarely talk about dates here (because I have learned from experience that it’s just better that way,) but I date relatively often.  In the last six weeks or so, I’ve been on dates with three different guys.

Date #1: Our dates weren’t bad.  I think he’s a great guy, but he doesn’t live here (or anywhere I plan on living.)

Date #2: I had a good time withhim.  He was a total gentleman, but after ONE date he told me that he loved me.  He said he needed to know if we weren’t exclusive, and I got freaked out.  Is it just me, or does anyone else think that you have to know a person for more than a few days before you decide you love them?

Date #3:  The guy, whom I met online, seemed awesome when we spoke on the phone, but he was a complete mess in person.  Though he was well-spoken, he said that his only goal was “to out live his parents because they don’t deserve to bury their son.”  I agree, and I hope he gets a grip on himself and his issues whatever they are.

While we were on our “date” which entailed coffee at the bookstore (can that even be considereda date?) I stepped away to go to the ladies’ room, and when I came back he made an excuse (which was obviously a lie) to leave.  I was cool with him leaving because I wasn’t attracted to him, but before he left he kissed me...on the mouth...in the middle of Barnes and Noble, and said he’d call me later. It was easily the most awkward kiss of my life.  (I still feel gross when I think about it.)

He called this morning, and this is how our call went:

Date #3: I’m sorry I lied about having a friend in crisis.  I’m really getting back together with an ex.

Me: Well, first…I don’t believe you.  Secondly, it’s irrelevant to me because I am not interested in you either.

Me: PS It was so awkward and wrong of you to kiss me like that in the middle of a public place.  Now please lose my number.  Bye.

Date #3: Bye.

After the call ended, a few texts were exchanged, and I started to think about how lucky I am.  Sure, it was a blow to my ego that a guy blew me off, but I wouldn’t have dated him so there was really no harm done.

Since it was early when he called I went back to sleep, wanting a restart for my morning, and when I woke up I immediately read the Verse of the Day (mark 12:30) on the Bible app on my phone.  It said,

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

Seriously?  This was the verse of the day, and immediately I began thinking of everything for which I have to be thankful.   I also started thinking that I need to prioritize.  I am loved by my family, my friends and God.  He absolutely knows that I’d love to meet a guy who means the world to me, but I know that God’s timing is typically different than mine.

I have a big heart with lots of room for love in it, but I don’t know when or if I’ll fall in love with someone in a forever kind of way.  I don’t obsess about it, but I think about it more than I should so I’m going to make a big effort to change that.

Over the next month (at least) I am going to make a conscious effort to replace my desire to be with an amazing man with thankfulness. I’m also going to pray and ask God to make my heart feel complete and to wrap me up in the love that HE has for me.

I don’t usually get spiritual here (or anywhere really,) but I’ve changed a lot lately.  I look around and think about where I was one year ago, and I’m overwhelmed by all of the love, grace and blessings that I’ve received even when I didn’t deserve any of it.

Last year at this time I desperately wanted my own home, my own space…I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere, and I wanted to feel independent – something that I lacked for far too long.  I wanted to control my environment and the DVR, and I wanted to have friends who knew all of my faults and still liked me.  I wanted to continue going to school.  I wanted a fresh start, and I got it…all of it.  I have said thank you so many times, but I’m still blown away when I think about all of the reasons I have to be happy.

Dating can be fun and exhausting, and while I enjoy going to fancy dinners or just talking over coffee or sushi, I am convinced that God has bigger things planned for me at the moment.

He has shown me so much recently, and maybe if I spend my quiet time seeking Him instead of day dreaming about the unknown, I’ll find total peace and fulfillment even if I’m forced to eat dinner and drink coffee with my amazing friends. 😉

I don’t know if 30 days is enough to change my mindset, but it’s a start which will have to be enough for today….

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35 Comments

  • Reply
    Sarah
    August 13, 2013 at 12:16 am

    I totally get you, totally. I’ve had so many similar dating experiences. I’ve decided to take a break and work on me and it has put me in a really good place.

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  • Reply
    Steelers6
    August 13, 2013 at 12:29 am

    Wow, what a wild 6 weeks!

    I think it sounds like you are in a good place,
    my dear. I’m so proud of you.
    Chrissy

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 3:57 pm

      A lot of cool things happened during those 6 weeks too. I just had to highlight the parts that I feel led me to this idea. 😉

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  • Reply
    Brandy
    August 13, 2013 at 12:39 am

    Love this post Kenlie!

    First off, guy #3 kissing you! You are right pretty inappropriate. Glad that guy went by the wayside!

    I think it’s great that you are focusing on other things and what God has in mind for you. If I may recommend a really GREAT book for you… It’s called Lady in Waiting. It was a treasure for me when I was single and struggling with the woman God wants me to be and what God has in store for me. This book was truly invaluable in helping me back then (I’m married now). I can’t recommend it enough. You can get it on Amazon for pretty cheap. Here’s a link to it: http://www.amazon.com/Lady-Waiting-Becoming-Expanded-Edition/dp/0768423104/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376368607&sr=8-1&keywords=lady+in+waiting

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  • Reply
    British Timmo
    August 13, 2013 at 3:08 am

    Sometimes to get the right person in our lives we have to not seek them but seek ourselves and make sure we feel good and positive. I’ve loved following your achievements over the last few years and i really do believe that you are set for great things. You’re someone I admire and look up to and you deserve the best.

    Enjoy your 30 days, Kenlie! Enjoy you time 🙂

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  • Reply
    Jen
    August 13, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Thank you for your great insight, and your (very timely, for me) reminder about where our focus needs to stay. I hope in these 30 days you get to feel refreshed and renewed without the added pressure of dating!

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  • Reply
    Sylvia aka @cowgirlwarrior
    August 13, 2013 at 7:09 am

    You are a wise woman & I totally get it

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  • Reply
    Aunt Brenda
    August 13, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Uncle Wesley would be so proud. I know I am. I think since I have been knowing you more than a day I can say I Love You! 🙂

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 4:11 pm

      Ha, true….after knowing me my whole life, I’d say it’s safe for you to say it. 😉 I love you too!

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  • Reply
    Liz @ The Shrinking Owl
    August 13, 2013 at 9:19 am

    I am newly single after a five year relationship ended, and the prospect of dating TERRIFIES me at this point.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 4:12 pm

      I don’t feel that it’s terrifying…it’s just a pain sometimes..

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  • Reply
    sarah @makingitmyhome.blogspot.com
    August 13, 2013 at 11:17 am

    30 days to focus on yourself! enjoy your days!!

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 4:12 pm

      Oh, I focus on myself a lot…this isn’t really about that..hehe

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  • Reply
    JenB
    August 13, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Hubby and I recently celebrated our 20th anniversary, but I have friends and family who have divorced and are going back to dating … I can’t even imagine going back to the agony and angst of dating. And with all the online/texting it is SO different these days too, with the easy and constant contact. Good luck!

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  • Reply
    Elizabeth
    August 13, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time dating, but I think your idea of having some time for you for a while is a good idea. It will give you time to re-boot yourself and focus on you. It’s hard for me to understand because I’ve been with someone for so long, but I can imagine how emotionally draining dating must be.

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  • Reply
    Melissa
    August 13, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    I think this sounds very healthy. I was just reading in a devotional that I’m working on a book review for about how we can’t look to anyone for fulfillment in our lives except for Christ. I’m having to rethink my own spiritual walk and get back to where I’m doing a quiet time each morning to start my day off right. So good for you for seeing what you think needs to be done and rolling with it. Good luck! 🙂

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  • Reply
    Tiffany @ The Tiffany Project
    August 13, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    I just closed down two of my online profiles for somewhat similar reasons. The good thing is I’ve come out emotionally unscathed (which would NOT have happened a couple years ago) and I’ve actually learned a lot about myself and what I really want in a future husband. I think it’s really great that you are taking the time to just be with yourself, and live life. 🙂

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 4:14 pm

      I’m in a good place, with a lot of reasons to be thankful, right now so I think it’s smart to live in the moment too. 🙂

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  • Reply
    Laurie
    August 13, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    I think giving yourself 30 days as a dating-free “vacation” can only be a good thing. Take yourself on dates. Do nice things for Kenlie. You never know what’s around the corner when it comes to life, including your love life – but you are always there for you. I can’t speak to the spiritual part of your post, but if you are finding happiness, peace, fulfillment, embrace it.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 4:15 pm

      Who knows what the future holds? I don’t, but I also know that I need to deal with some feelings of inadequacy and trust and so on….I want to be happy with or without a guy (even though I’d like a guy.) Finding fulfillment anyway can only be a good thing, right?

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  • Reply
    Tiffany
    August 13, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Super Proud of you Kenlie. You are an Amazing woman. You inspire me and I am sure many more people. You can do this. We can do coffee and sushi anytime. 🙂 Love ya lots ma’am.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 4:16 pm

      Especially if you’re down the street. So excited by that prospect, but yeah…let’s eat sushi and drink more coffee regardless…

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  • Reply
    Todd
    August 13, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    I don’t like rules or withdrawals or step backs. I like moving forward. I don’t think #3 should have that much power, #2 needs a hug and #1 does not live near you and I know how you hate that, lol. I don’t think you need to withdraw to a convent to find your spiritual center. I just think you need to realize dating is a challenge, trust your instincts and stop macking out at Banes and Nobles, that is just tacky!!!

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      Ha..well, regarding #1, you know me well, soooo…….you’d understand if we spoke about it in depth. You’ve always been amazing at that..

      #2 needs a hug. I agree.

      #3 just opened my eyes to the fact that I’m in the mood to meet someone…While it’s okay to do that, I also need to feel okay *not* doing that.

      I don’t plan on joining any convents…just taking a short break from bothering with it. You’re right though, if Anderson suddenly becomes available and decides to fall in love with me, I’ll lift the ban. 😉

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 3:55 pm

      PS It was soooooooo tacky…and gross….because the guy was just so not for me, but I’ve experienced a few times in which it felt good to “mack in public.” For instance, it was kind of fun on top of Rockefeller Center, but that guy doesn’t live close to me either. 😉

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  • Reply
    Ro
    August 13, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Wow – I could have written your post! I have had the awkward kiss in the bookstore and the ‘I love you’ after the first date too! AND I too am embarking on a no dating policy until September…my plan has been to focus on me and enjoy each day as it comes. I try to write down something I am thankful for each day – it helps me to live in the moment more 🙂

    Enjoy your ‘break’!!!

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 14, 2013 at 4:17 pm

      Woah, Ro! You know what they say…great minds think alike. 😉

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  • Reply
    Erin
    August 13, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Glad you are taking care of yourself rather than settling for door #1, 2, and/or 3. I would have slapped door #3 for kissing me like that.

    I was single by choice for 3 years before my current love fell into my lap. I didn’t date, I turned dates down and focused on me. I am convinced that my current relationship wouldn’t be working so well (3+ years) if it hadn’t been for my choice to work on me!

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  • Reply
    TC
    August 14, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Sorry about the dates, but your post was great. It’s a great direction that you are going in and God will find the right one for you. Don’t you love God’s sense of humor? He had the right passage for you that morning.
    Keep up the good work; we are all in this journey together.
    TC

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  • Reply
    June
    August 14, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    You’re right. Dating is hard. Period. After a few years of experience of trying to find somebody to make me feel whole, I decided to look to God to make me whole and boy did he. I am really excited that you are going to be working more on you with God. He loved you first before you got any of the other loves in your life. If you find a guy who can pray with you and share that connection then all other connections can follow. you are a totally beautiful lady because of God’s love. I don’t care what you weigh. That smile of yours will light up any room you walk into and a lot of hearts you meet. While I am glad you are working on your weight just because I think you would feel better, I know that God has let you take the journey you have taken thus far to learn the lessons you need to learn. Others love you much. Self esteem starts with self. Ask Candi about the God box and write down exactly what you want in a partner and put it in your God box. He will amaze you. I love you and looking forward to my next hug.

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  • Reply
    Mariana
    August 15, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    I kid you not, after dating around for about 5 months and meeting about 6 different 0’s, I decided to take a break from it all and THAT’S when I met my husband. I told myself I was only going to focus on the people that already cared about me and the things I wanted to do for myself. I stopped trying so hard and even when I connected with mancakes, I made sure to get to know him and take it easy. We were married within 2 years because we both were in a good place with ourselves and our families and friends. It’s more fun falling in love when we are feeling great about all the other things we got going on! You’re awesome! Do you and it will all work out 😉

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  • Reply
    Lisa
    August 27, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Okay eeeeww eeeew stay away from the guy that loves you on the first date. PSYCHO.

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