Failure, Fear and Complacency

Today has been a great day, but I didn’t reach my steps goal.  I’m happy to say that I worked out, but I didn’t start until 11:20 pm when I got home.  My numbers were embarrassingly low today, but I can admit that I made other things my priority.

omron pedometer mamavation

I started school today, and I was busy working on things that had to be done, in addition to having fun with friends in the evening.  I know that fitness needs to be a part of my life everyday, and I’ve promised myself to reach my goal before I leave for class since I’ll be there all afternoon and evening.

In other news, I am happy to report that I am feeling good about my choice to not go on dates for at least a month.  I feel loved and fulfilled.  It’s not like I’ve lost any and all desire to be with someone eventually, but I have allowed myself to focus on other things.  There’s someone I think about from time to time.  He’s an incredible person, but we’ll never date so, in a way, it feels safe to dream about him once in a while.

I’ve also received several questions about Project Hope, a weight-loss system that Richard Simmons designed for those who want to get serious about losing weight.  I proclaimed that I was going to do it, then I didn’t do it.  I exercise.  You know it.  Richard knows it.  We all know it, but the commitment to changing my food habits makes me feel weak.  I honestly don’t know what it will take to get my habits back under control because I do okay for a while, then I suck at it again.

I’m smart and driven, but when it comes to food, I feel like a complete and utter failure.  So to all of you who have e-mailed me asking for answers regarding Project HOPE, I will say this.  I looked over the plan studied it and know that I can confidently tell you that if you do it, it will work.  It’s a common sense approach to weight-loss, but I have not made the effort to make the plan work for me.

It’s hard to be here and admit how hard this struggle has been.  It’s been harder than ever lately.  While I was at Fitbloggin’, I managed to gain several pounds which are still taunting me now, and I’m scared.

I’m terrified that I’m going to move so far in the wrong direction that I’ll never get back on track.  I cannot let that happen.  The workouts help, but they don’t solve the whole problem.

I don’t know what to do.  Actually, I do.  I need to stop eating more than I need.  Calories in, calories out…blah, blah, blah….Spare me. This isn’t about food; it’s about what’s inside my head.

My faults are written all over my body, and it affects almost every area of my life.  I need to change, but I don’t have any grand plans for it today.  I suppose I just need to vent, admit my feelings of failure and move on.

I have changed.  My life has changed.  I have so much more than I deserve, and I am so thankful for the changes that have happened on the inside.  I’m thankful for my life, my home, my family, my friends, my church, my school…the list goes on…

At this time two years ago I was completely and utterly lost, and now I’m happier than I ever could have imagined.  Why can’t I just control my food choices?  Why am I so weak?  How was I so strong before?

I feel like the girl I was when I lost weight is a complete stranger now.  I mean, I never really knew her because I spent so much time lying to myself.  Now that I’ve experienced incredible change it seems like the food part should be easy.  It’s not.

I’ve had an amazing day, and I’m going to go to bed pleased with what is happening in my life.  I just wish I didn’t have to deal with this burdensome cloud of “I’ll do better tomorrow Syndrome” that seems to keep me from moving forward.

My goals for tomorrow include exercising before school, packing a healthy, high protein meal for in between classes and to eat a salad. There’s no ending on a positive note today, apart from admitting that I need to pick myself up and try again.

 

 

 

 

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7 Comments

  • Reply
    Laurie
    August 28, 2013 at 2:29 am

    Hugs to you, Kenlie. I’m currently in an “I’ll try whatever” mode to get things moving in the right direction, but you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Going to school as an adult is TOUGH. But I have no doubt you’ll rock every last goal you have.

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    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 28, 2013 at 3:01 am

      I adore school! =) I took summer classes so my break was two weeks long..Ha. Thank you for believing in me, L!

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  • Reply
    Beth@WeightMaven
    August 28, 2013 at 8:11 am

    I’m in a similar boat. I recently signed up for a new online emotional eating program called Peace With Food. Not sure if it’s something you might be interested in, but I thought I’d share. It’s only just gotten started (and me with it) so I can only say I’m cautiously optimistic about it!

    http://bestlifeprograms.toomuchonherplate.com/join-peace-with-food/

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  • Reply
    Tracey
    August 28, 2013 at 11:31 am

    Good Morning, I know what to do also but I don’t…. you are not alone! Sometimes I gain weight no matter what I do. At least you exercise which is a great thing. I have faith you, I and all will figure it out and have some successes.. Fall/September is a good time to start afresh and have a clean slate, it is my New Years. Great time for new goals.

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  • Reply
    Heather@YSP
    August 28, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I wonder if you’d find helpful the podcasts from Christie Inge and Mara Glatzel. They’re in Christie’s website (christieinge.com) and I’ve been listening to them lately. It’s all about self acceptance and really taking care of yourself, and I’ve had a lot of ah-ha! moments while listening, especially when it comes to why and how I eat.

    If you check them out, I hope they help! Hugs.

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  • Reply
    Lori
    August 29, 2013 at 11:42 am

    Why do you say you have way more than you deserve? You deserve good things to happen to you. You deserve to find a man you can love and build a life with. And you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. Have you tried hypnosis to help you reframe your thoughts about food.? It helped me when I quit smoking 12 years ago. Yesterday, I was looking at the yoga schedule at a nearby studio and there was a class listed about that very topic. I think I might take the class since hypnosis was so good for me the first time. I’ve been fighting to get these last 10 lbs. off so that I can reach LTM status at WW but I keep sabotaging myself. Sigh…

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  • Reply
    sara
    September 12, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Just take things one day at a time. only worry about now. don’t even think about tomorrow or next week or next month. just now…today. i have been doing this recently and it has helped me immensely!!!

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