Things have changed a lot in my life since I started my blog, and lately I haven’t said as much here as I used to. I have mixed feelings about that because I miss my blog friends when I’m not sharing my life here, and it feels weird not to journal about what’s happening in my life. There are some obvious reasons for changing the way that I communicate here, and I’d like to look into them to figure out where I plan to go from here.
My blog is special to me. It was the first place that I ever allowed myself to truly be myself. I poured out my emotions and struggles here before I could be honest about them with anyone else. When I hated myself, I said it here, and people reminded me that there were plenty of reasons to replace that hatred with love. This blog (more accurately, the people who read it and respond to it) were home to me.
I love to write. I love to share my feelings on various topics because so many things interest me. I love to ask for opinions and receive answers. I like knowing that someone is always there – waiting to be encouraging, or to remind me that I’m not alone in this. That was always more important to me than writing about how many pounds I lost that week.
When I started this blog I didn’t like myself very much. (That’s putting it mildly.) I started doing good things for myself, and people started paying attention. The folks who took time to support me made me feel important. They gave me the attention that I desperately needed, but more importantly, they gave me hope.
Throughout the years I have met people who have lost 50 pounds, 100 pounds and even a few who have lost over 200 pounds. I’ve met people who didn’t struggle with weight even though they connected with me on other levels. I’ve met people who know what it’s like to be the heaviest person in every room (even at at Weight Watchers meeting.) I’ve met people who understand the confidence that I feel every time I take a sweaty picture of myself.
I have gained so much from this blog, and I don’t want it to end. I just don’t know exactly how to proceed because it’s not about being skinny anymore. I still want to figure out how to lose weight, but I don’t feel as defined by my size as I once did. That’s good and bad, I suppose. I want to talk about other things here, but it seems like my life is much less interesting when I’m happy.
Does anyone really want to hear about how fulfilled I am right now? Is it interesting or inspiring to hear that I haven’t reached my goal yet and that I feel happy from day to day in spite of that? Does it matter to anyone that I feel good about how I look some days even though I still weigh nearly 300 pounds?
I have a myriad of interests outside of fitness even though I feel awesome after a heart-pounding, sweaty workout. I still like food too even though I tell myself no sometimes (you know, just enough to not gain the 100 pounds back.) Lately I’ve been inspired to try different clothing styles, and I’ve spent a lot of time offline – spending time with people that I can hug, who will drink coffee with me and help me decorate my Christmas tree. (Note to said friends: We’re doing that next week, mmmkay?)
I love my little corner of the internet, and I’m sorry for disappointing some of you by not reaching my weight-loss goal yet. I’ve never given up, and I don’t plan to now. I’m just content in the fact that everything else is going okay. My life isn’t perfect, but I’m enjoying my family, my church, my friends and my school.
I don’t need my blog the way I did when I started it because now I’m honest with myself and the people around me. I tell the truth. I lay my heart out even though sometimes that means getting hurt. There’s still so much in the blog world that I wouldn’t know if I stopped participating in awesome online communities. I don’t want to stop blogging. I just want it to be okay that I feel like blogging about all of the happy things too. I used to do both so why can’t I do both now?
Do you ever feel like you’re more inclined to blog when things are rough? Is this distance (lack of interest) something that I’ve created in my mind simply because I feel like people only want to hear about the dramatic stuff? Are people just tired of me because they feel that I’ve failed them?
I don’t know the answers. I know that I can choose to write here or choose not to write here. I just don’t know how to reconnect with my blog, even though it used to feel like my closest friend.
Has anyone else ever experienced anything similar in blogging?