This is an exciting time in my life because I’m surrounded by so many amazing people. After the end of my not-quite-relationship, I needed some time to process my feelings, so I took the time I needed. I was almost over the heartache by the time I posted about it, and now I can honestly tell you that after spending the day with that man today, I’m okay. It feels good to see him and not feel like I’m falling apart.
As I was chatting with friends earlier, I realized that I’m not romantically interested in anyone. There’s a guy that I would be interested in if I thought he’d be interested back, but there’s no one calling me every night before bed or texting me 20 times a day. I like the feeling I get when I think about the possibilities of liking someone who might like me back, but I’m back to focusing on everything that I do have.
I possess a lot of characteristics that someone would be attracted to, but right now, I feel like those characteristics are hard to see because of the cloud of my obesity. For a long, long time I’ve said that I don’t want to have to change to make someone want me, and it’s true. I wish that there was a smart, talented, funny, handsome and interesting man in my life who would let me bake for him, sing for/with him, laugh with him and play Scrabble with him. I wish that I could have that without feeling like I have to change first, but the truth is that I’d like to change regardless.
It’s no secret that I suck at losing weight, nor is it a secret that I need to lose it anyway. I take responsibility for it, and I think it’s time to change my perspective. I want a tall, honest, intelligent man who loves Jesus to think I’m beautiful, but I also want to think I’m beautiful.
My priorities haven’t been weight-loss related in a long time. I’ve changed so much spiritually and emotionally, and I’ve made positive strides in so many areas. I feel good about many areas of my life, but I’m still letting my weight affect me in ways that I wish it didn’t.
I’m going to try again…What else can I do?
Since moving to New Orleans I have visited several Weight Watchers meetings, but I haven’t found one that makes me want to go back. I underestimated the chemistry of the meeting that I went to in New York, but I have to start somewhere. I’m going to start counting calories today, and my goal will be to stay between 1500 and 1700 calories per day on days that I exercise.
We’ll see how that goes. I’ll also be accountable to people in my everyday life about the numbers on the scale.
Time will pass whether I try to make changes again or not, and right now I don’t care about the numbers nearly as much as I care about creating healthy, controlled habits.
Am I the only one who has to start over again and again and again?