The More I Learn, The More I Realize That There’s So Much That I Don’t Know

There’s no question when it comes to whether or not I am as perfect as I can be already. I’m not. I have so much to learn, but often times, what holds me back is in inability to admit that I still have so much to learn.

I know that I need to eat less, move more, etc. What I struggle to understand is why I want to eat so much so often. Delving into the associated feelings to find an answer threatens to put me in a place in which I have to feel some uncomfortable things.

Why do I feel such a strong urge to go out of my way to make a stop at Krispy Kreme on my way home from a certain man’s house? Am I sabotaging myself since he doesn’t love me quite enough? Am I trying to fill a void? Am I depressed because I’m not getting what I want when I want it?

I could answer yes to all of these questions, but in thinking about these things, I find myself trying to put on a face of bravery or indifference to spare myself from feeling those unhappy feelings.

I have so many reasons to be thankful, and I am. I have so much. I
struggle to admit that I still want more (in relationships, in weight-loss, in everything…) because I don’t want to seem ungrateful for everything that I do have.

Gaining control of my life is obviously a multi-faceted process, and I’m not succeeding in all of the areas yet. Overall, I’m happy more often than I’m sad. I’m thankful more often than I’m envious. I’m at peace more often than I’m stressed.

I’m in a good place, but I’d like to get to an even better place. Can I do that without trudging through some uncomfortable emotions to get there? Probably definitely not.

It’s not always easy to love myself just because (not because I lost some weight or because I’m doing well in school or because I’ve accomplished x, y or z) just because, but it’s getting easier.

I’m learning that my existence (my purpose) is to learn and change and grow. I want to impact others with my positive attitude and with my willingness to try and fail and try again.

Success isn’t about getting from point A to point B without making mistakes. It’s about continuing to fight through obstacles and starting over when necessary. It’s about understanding who you are and what your purpose is, and then turning those thoughts into action.

11 thoughts on “The More I Learn, The More I Realize That There’s So Much That I Don’t Know

  1. I’m not sure if its right but I stopped trying to figure out “why” I want to eat all the time… I ‘ve found that it happens when I am happy as well as sad, lonely or bored… even after having a wonderful therapeutical girlfriend evening, I want to hit the drive-through on the way home… sorry that I have no good advice but just want to let you know that I here ya!

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  2. I love your honesty, and the fact that you are willing to admit faults or supposed ‘short comings’… You understand that there is something going on, you’ve said it before. There must be an underlying issue that you need to address – have you ever considered (and please tell me to go away and stop being so personal should you deem the question to be so – and there is absolutely no offence intended) therapy? Talking to a professional and getting to the root of things? You seemed to have it so worked out years ago in NY, and between there and now something’s changed. Maybe someone, an outsider, can help your regain that mindset?
    Again, I hope this comment isn’t too personal and no offence is intended at all – I’m a huge supporter of yours and wish you all the best in the world! :) xxoo

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    • I don’t mind that question at all. I have tried therapy, and at times, it was helpful. At this point, I’m pretty self-aware. I take responsibility for my actions, and I admit it when I make mistakes. Therapy can be a great thing, but I’ve found peace through God that never existed in therapy. I’m not saying that I won’t consider it again, but I’d have to pay out of pocket for it now. I’m not doing that.

      I had it together in NY, true…as long as you’re referring to weight-loss. The rest of my life was in need of some major repair, and when my world fell apart, I had bigger priorities than counting points. I had to find a new home, replace everything that I had before (clothes, furniture, dishes, pots and pans, etc.)

      Now I’ve regained my independence, replaced all of the things and made friends who know exactly who I am today.

      My weight is the thing people see, and that needs work. Everything around me and inside me is better by leaps and bounds, and that feels like a pretty good thing.

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  3. I LOVE this post. I only just came to a biggish realization about how my feelings are linked to sugar. What worked for me was meditation. Have you prayed for answers? In any case, I feel like just thinking through this stuff can make a big difference.

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    • It’s something that I need to start praying about, and it’s not easy because the changes are scary. You’re right. Great point. I’m going to do it.

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  4. I don’t think it’s things you don’t know, but things you don’t want to face. And we all have those times at some point in our lives. But if you don’t face whatever it is, it will have power over you. Power that you gave it.

    As for wanting more, you gotta go out and get it, dearie. It won’t come to you. Go out and get that great guy, go out and lose that weight, go out and get whatever your heart desires. Good things come to those who work for it, right? :-)

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    • I’ve faced the hard emotional issues, I think, but yeah…that’s a good point. I have faced SO MUCH that used to have power over me, and I’m exponentially better as a result.

      Now I have to start working on the physical side of it…

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  5. I love this: “My weight is the thing people see, and that needs work. Everything around me and inside me is better by leaps and bounds, and that feels like a pretty good thing.”
    This is HUGE! So often we are judged as successful or not by our appearance and, in my case certainly, my weight. Instead of people seeing that we are happy on the inside and that we are successful is so many other things, they see an overweight body so to them, we can’t possibly be happy with our lives. This is hard to deal with because so often I am happy! I wish people could see beyond that more.

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