Emotions

*$#% People

I’ve been in a pretty dark place since Thursday, and I’m still fighting to find my way out of it today.  I’m genuinely upbeat most of the time, and when I’m not, I don’t really know how to handle it.  It’s hard to say that I’m depressed because I’m content, even happy, most days, but right now I’m facing feelings of anger.  My favorite phrase right now is “*$%# people.”

Have you ever heard that saying, “If everyone around you is being an a-hole, you’re probably the a-hole?”  I get it.  I know that the anger that I feel right now is directed toward myself more than anyone else.  Sure, people suck sometimes, which doesn’t help me feel better.  I just need to find a way out of this slump, and I need to do it soon.

I’m angry with myself because I’m so obese.  I’m pissed because I’m out of control, which is no one’s fault except mine.  I feel like I’ve officially thrown in the towel. (Score one for the pathetic pieces of garbage who come here to hate me. You don’t think I’m as pathetic as I think I am right now.)

It’s hard to admit that I’m angry and lonely (because who else understands what it’s like to be so obese, then to lose an impressive amount, then to regain a significant piece of it, then to feel like I’m even more pathetic than I was when I started because I can’t get it right even with all of the amazing blessings in my life?) It’s hard to admit that I’m letting it affect me in other areas too.  It’s hard to admit that I feel so much resentment because I’m worthless in the eyes of society.  It’s also hard to admit that even though I know that God loves me, I wish I could feel desired by someone.

What can I say? I know that I should skip the venti iced nonfat caramel macchiato at Starbucks.  I also know that I should start my day with a workout instead of sleeping in for an extra half hour.  I know that I should swap out the food that I eat at restaurants for salads that I eat at home, and I know that I should drive by Krispy Kreme without stopping…ever. (Seriously, who needs a doughnut from Krispy Kreme?  They’re grossly overrated.)

I know what I should do, and instead of doing it, I spend my time feeling like crap for not doing it.  I donate a lot of time to intentionally helping others every week, which normally makes me feel good.  When did I officially decide to stop helping myself?

I’m pissed.  I take responsibility for being pissed.  I know that I’m supposed to tell you that I have the power to change it, but the truth is that I feel powerless. (Score another one for the aforementioned pieces of garbage who come here to hate me.)

The last few days have been rough.  I wish that I was wrapping up this post with some kind of empowering, affirming message that confirms that the hard parts in the past, but I don’t.  It’s Monday, and I’m unhappy.  I can only hope that admitting this today will make tomorrow a little bit better.

 

 

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38 Comments

  • Reply
    Leslie Thomas
    September 22, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Wow, I can so relate to every word that you wrote. I know there is nothing really good to say in response. I appreciate your wiliness to be vulnerable. I am on the same journey ( I say same, but you know what I mean). For me I am just having to continually look at myself and my life with gentle curiosity. There are times when I also want to throw in the towel, but then I think about the fact that for my entire life I have on and off again wanted to be healthy/lose weight. So this desire will continually come back. You can just tell you have so much to offer people!!! right now at the size you are 🙂 You are such an encouragement regarding being proud of who you are and putting yourself out there. To me taking small actions helps me get out of funks. The smallest thing can create enough energy to lift you out of the state that your in.. Don’t get me wrong, that movement isn’t always easy. So maybe ask yourself what would make yourself feel good about you right now. What would make you feel more fulfilled? What is your passion? For me I have found that when I am feeling good about myself, the food/exercise seem to take care of themselves. Also sometimes for me just simply taking really good care of myself – getting a haircut, nails done, or any type of self-pampering helps. I don’t want to sound like I am trying to talk you out of how your feeling. You have a right to feel everything you feel. Hugs 🙂

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:22 am

      I don’t think you were trying to talk me out of feeling anything. I appreciate everything that you said. I’m pretty good at self-pampering. Ha I just needed to start working to get out of this rut.

  • Reply
    Tracey Lynn
    September 22, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Kenlie, I think something is in the air personally. I have come across a few people, including myself that feel exactly how you stated in the above blog. But you are not worthless, you are an inspiration to many others. I know myself that I shouldn’t have had that donut this morning and I should go walking when I get home from work, but do I feel like it? NO. Why? Because I am not motivated. I too would like to be thinner and in better shape. However, I know for me personally working two jobs, while in school and having a 3, almost 4 year old is exhausting. I would love to get up early in the morning and go walking, but you are right,that extra 30 minutes in the bed feels so much better. We both need to find motivation and use others who feel the same way as inspiration when things begin to go right. I think people like us are “do-ers” simply because we gain instant satisfaction when doing things for others. Because they are immediately grateful. Goodluck Kenlie!!

    • Reply
      Joan
      September 24, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      Kenlie’s I love you and I know you will take charge and win this battle. You have worked so hard, I know without a doubt that defeat will not last long. Always better the next day. You are more than a conquered. God cares and so do I. Mom

      • Reply
        Kenlie
        October 6, 2014 at 1:24 am

        Love you too, Mom!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:23 am

      It’s so important to admit how we really feel because at least after we do there’s hope to change it.

  • Reply
    Crystal
    September 22, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    Kenlie,
    I know exactly how you feel. I’m there 75% of the time. It’s a hard battle that we fight. I wish I had something inspiring to say to you but honestly it just sucks!!! It’s ok to be pissed off about it sometimes…just don’t set up camp and live there in the anger and resentment. All you can do is your best and that is not going to be the same everyday. Know that even on your worst day you have inspired many people and you are loved. I have to tell myself that being fat isn’t the worst thing to be. I hope that you find your strong will, determination, love of self and God’s perfect peace through all of this. Lifting you up in prayer abd sending you positive vibes from Atlanta. Much love pretty lady!!!
    Crystal

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:24 am

      Sometimes I just need to feel pissed. It’s true. Thank you for lifting me up.

  • Reply
    Aly
    September 22, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    I have been following your blog for years. I rarely comment, but I read each and every blog. I feel like we would be friends if I knew you in real life, and I feel like I care about you and what’s going on. I’m sorry things are so tough today. I’m more sorry people leave nasty comments on your blogs-don’t they have better things to do? How do they even find you? What is their problem? I would say ignore it, but I’m definitely a person who takes that kind of stuff to heart so I see why it’s so hard to ignore. Know that you are loved. By god. your family. your friends. you have touched the lives of many, and continue to do so even when you feel depressed and pissed. hang in there.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:25 am

      I know that I’m loved, and I’m thankful for the reminder.

  • Reply
    Joan
    September 22, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    I can totally relate and you’ll probably want to reach through the computer and slap me silly when I tell you this but you are in the perfect place. You can’t finish this post up by telling us that you have control of it all and that YOU’LL make it better because you don’t have control but someone very close to you does. Try to take your rediscovered faith and have a talk with God. He wants you happy and healthy more than you want it. He loves you and wants only the best for you. That includes your being happy and healthy.

    I’m ducking now because I now you just threw something at the computer but I’ve been where you are. Sometimes we have to lose complete control before we turn it over to God.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:26 am

      Hahah believe it or not, I didn’t throw anything at the computer. You’re right. I want to talk about it with God, but I don’t know what stops me. He tends to provide everything that I need, and I know this isn’t any different. I also know that He just wants me to hand it over to him.

  • Reply
    lamebirdy
    September 22, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    Been there. Sounds like you need an e-hug from a random blog follower. *e-hug* It might not make up for the haters, but one does what one can.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:26 am

      It does a lot…Thank you…

  • Reply
    Brenda Smith
    September 22, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    Love You and your friendship is pricless to me.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:26 am

      Thank you for constantly proving that. I love you too.

  • Reply
    MB
    September 22, 2014 at 10:33 pm

    I’ve been around for a while and know you have many more supporters than haters but when we are down the haters are the only ones we really hear. I know how frustrating it can be and feel the same way sometimes. I’m so disappointed I made it to goal (-101) only to be right back at square one but we can’t give up. Keep fighting and screw the haters. Rock on!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:27 am

      Square one…ugh….but yeah, I guess we already know what we’re capable of…

  • Reply
    sara
    September 22, 2014 at 11:25 pm

    I’m sorry you are feeling so discouraged. Remember that if you fall down all you can do is get back up and keep on trying… Good luck and try not to let the negativity from strangers influence your path… Sara

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:27 am

      I’m up again…trying again…

  • Reply
    tanya
    September 23, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Hey girl,

    I can so relate. I read this devotion this morning before reading your blog…

    http://tpg.informz.net/InformzDataService/OnlineVersion/Ind/bWFpbGluZ0luc3RhbmNlSWQ9MzY3MDY4MyZzdWJzY3JpYmVySWQ9NzcxMjAwNzA0

    I understand if you don’t want to click through on that since it totally looks like spam, but it is a devotion entitled “Grace is Greater” by David Jeremiah.

    Blessings!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:28 am

      I haven’t looked at the link, but I think I’m ready to now. I’ll do that tomorrow. Thank you.

  • Reply
    Connie
    September 23, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Who cares what the “aforementioned pieces of garbage who come here to hate me” think…in fact.. they should be thanking you right now because if they are skulking around trying to find someone down on themselves so that they can ‘feed’ off their pain, hurt, disappointment, anger, loneliness, etc… then this post should make their day! 😉

    Really Kenlie, Who doesn’t feel this way sometimes? I sure do… I’ve started something, failed, picked myself up off my face, and started again… and again…. and again. Then look back and think of how much time I wasted getting to this place. Just imagine where I would be by now if I hadn’t regressed??? Give myself a talking to and start all over again, do good,…. life gets in the way… and flop all over again. *$#%!!!!

    Then my rational side starts thinking. Had I not tried all those times… I may have gotten/been even heavier than I was before I started trying.

    I’ll never stop trying…and I’ll probably always fail a little somewhere along the line. What have I really got to do??? Who am I running a race with? Who sets the time limits on this? The answer is no one. God loves you as you are… he is the most important person, (just before yourself) that you have to please. He isn’t impressed with what you look like on the outside, as long as you keep up the work on your inside.

    I’m almost finished..

    I’m 45, had 2 children, and have struggled with my weight since I had those 2 children. They are grown now with babies of their own and I still am struggling. People told me that I needed to get the weight off when I was young because it was easier then. I paid little attention to that because what did they know? At 45 now… I know what they knew back then. It is harder. But not only that, added to the fact that my naked body is not pretty to gaze upon…lol… I started having to deal with things I didn’t have to deal with in my 20’s and 30’s….. cholesterol, blood pressure, diabetes… and my Dr. now has said I must do something or I have to take meds. I’m not ready for that. So once again I am trying… but for another reason. I’m no longer doing it so I can wear stylish clothes, look sexy,and all the other things we do it for. All that has now turned into worrying about my health. Hoping my knees and ankles will stop hurting with every pound I take off.

    I’m doing it… not quickly. It has been 6 months and I have lost only 30 lbs. But I know that at least for now I won’t have to take medicine for my cholesterol, which is something! My knees aren’t hurting as bad… and guess what? As long as God lets me live another day… what else have I got to do? I can go either direction I want…. so I am not putting pressure on myself to be Miss America by next year…lol I’m just plodding along…my little 0.2 lbs lost this week. It’s better than 0.2 gained. And I have found by not putting pressure on myself to hit a certain goal by a certain time… it is easier.

    Take baby steps… eat “good” through the week and allow a few treats on the weekend so things don’t get monotonous… and your not deprived, and you’ll have 2 things to look forward to. Losing a little come weigh day and those treats on the weekend! 🙂

    Sorry, I didn’t mean to make this about me.. I just hate to see you so frustrated, your such a neat person and just wanted to let you know we are all in this together!!!!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:29 am

      I think your comment was great. Thank you for sharing it. I think baby steps is smart. I’m trying and succeeding in leaving the doughnuts and sugary coffee drinks out of my intake. That feels like a good start.

  • Reply
    Ann
    September 23, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Hugs from me to you! Hang in there…weight loss and health is a journey…we all have good times when we are doing awesome and bad times when we get off track! Just make the decision to get on track today and move on from there..no use beating yourself up! You have inspired me on so many occasions which is why I LOVE your blog!!!!! NOW inspire yourself!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:30 am

      I know you’re right. I needed to vent it all out, but now I’m trying to do this.

  • Reply
    Deborah
    September 23, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    You are an inspiration to me. I am overweight, and I was making some great progress in my weight loss journey until earlier this year. My father passed away in February after battling Stage IV colon cancer for 2 1/2 years and then my grandfather’s health worsened quickly and he died in July. I am my world’s worst enemy, and I have begun emotional binge eating. Well I have decided to begin training to walk a half marathon In March. Having a goal and training for this half marathon is helping me to focus on myself and improving my health. Please do not feel overwhelmed or discouraged. Continue to help others and find something that will motivate you and respark your energy. You can do it! I believe in you.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:30 am

      I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through so much, and it’s inspiring to see you working toward a goal. Keep it up.

  • Reply
    stelly68
    September 24, 2014 at 6:55 am

    oh Kenlie – honesty from us usually positive people is tough but in your vulnerability there are those that care not what you feel. I hear the words you have written and those that you haven’t. I did the same and put on 75% of what I had lost. but what I can say is that each day is about a choice for me. I had to make the choice to see my beauty each day even on those days I don’t love who I am. be real and be you and well, feel the love from those around when you can’t feel the love from yourself.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:31 am

      Thank you so much for being such an awesome and supportive friend, Stelly.

  • Reply
    Brenda
    September 24, 2014 at 11:33 am

    It’s hard to know what to say to this. Regardless of what you may think of yourself I have always seen you as a very strong, motivated and accomplished individual and you are certainly an inspiration to me. You know, hateful people will find a way to hate. Hating you because of your size is lame, but like I said they can’t seem to find any other reason because you are simply what every successful woman could ever want want to be. They are jealous plain and simple. I have had issues with haters all my life and do you know why? I’m too nice. What a reason to hate someone but that is their reason. I have been called a weak, never gonna amount to anything undividual. Yeah it hurts and no one judged me more than I judge myself, but you know what? Nice, helpful and loving is who I am and who I am no one else can be and I fit into society where I am needed and those that can’t accept a person for who they are well I say phooey on them. I’m happy being what I am designed to be and the people it touches are blessed because of it. I have had to pull up my big girl panties more than once and because of hateful people I will probably have to do it the rest of my life, but trust me it’s much better than tripping on them. I love you girl you know that, so pull up them big girl panties and get back to your awesome life because that is exactly what it is.

    Love,
    Aunt Brenda

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:32 am

      Love you, Aunt Brenda.

  • Reply
    Linda J
    September 25, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    All energy ebbs and flows, Kenlie.

    The tides have taken you out beyond the breaking waves at the moment. Conserve your energy and paddle just enough to stay afloat til you have the energy swim toward that wave you’ll ride into shore.

    Imagine the salty sweet victory you’ll feel when you do!

    Stuff the haters – many many more of us want to see you triumph.

    Love from Australia, Linda J

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:32 am

      Thank you, Linda!

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    September 30, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Kenlie – I have tears after reading this. Because i can relate to every.single.word. You are my inspiration and today I will make some small goals. We can do this!

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:33 am

      I’m sorry that you can relate because it’s not fun, but thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Hang in there..

  • Reply
    Aimee @ Irresistible Icing
    October 3, 2014 at 11:07 am

    I can relate to every word of this post. This is the struggle with weight loss. It’s one of the hardest things we can ever do but know that you can do it.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      October 6, 2014 at 1:33 am

      Thanks, Amy. It’s hard, but I know it’s not impossible. It just feels that way sometimes.

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