I’ve been in a pretty dark place since Thursday, and I’m still fighting to find my way out of it today. I’m genuinely upbeat most of the time, and when I’m not, I don’t really know how to handle it. It’s hard to say that I’m depressed because I’m content, even happy, most days, but right now I’m facing feelings of anger. My favorite phrase right now is “*$%# people.”
Have you ever heard that saying, “If everyone around you is being an a-hole, you’re probably the a-hole?” I get it. I know that the anger that I feel right now is directed toward myself more than anyone else. Sure, people suck sometimes, which doesn’t help me feel better. I just need to find a way out of this slump, and I need to do it soon.
I’m angry with myself because I’m so obese. I’m pissed because I’m out of control, which is no one’s fault except mine. I feel like I’ve officially thrown in the towel. (Score one for the pathetic pieces of garbage who come here to hate me. You don’t think I’m as pathetic as I think I am right now.)
It’s hard to admit that I’m angry and lonely (because who else understands what it’s like to be so obese, then to lose an impressive amount, then to regain a significant piece of it, then to feel like I’m even more pathetic than I was when I started because I can’t get it right even with all of the amazing blessings in my life?) It’s hard to admit that I’m letting it affect me in other areas too. It’s hard to admit that I feel so much resentment because I’m worthless in the eyes of society. It’s also hard to admit that even though I know that God loves me, I wish I could feel desired by someone.
What can I say? I know that I should skip the venti iced nonfat caramel macchiato at Starbucks. I also know that I should start my day with a workout instead of sleeping in for an extra half hour. I know that I should swap out the food that I eat at restaurants for salads that I eat at home, and I know that I should drive by Krispy Kreme without stopping…ever. (Seriously, who needs a doughnut from Krispy Kreme? They’re grossly overrated.)
I know what I should do, and instead of doing it, I spend my time feeling like crap for not doing it. I donate a lot of time to intentionally helping others every week, which normally makes me feel good. When did I officially decide to stop helping myself?
I’m pissed. I take responsibility for being pissed. I know that I’m supposed to tell you that I have the power to change it, but the truth is that I feel powerless. (Score another one for the aforementioned pieces of garbage who come here to hate me.)
The last few days have been rough. I wish that I was wrapping up this post with some kind of empowering, affirming message that confirms that the hard parts in the past, but I don’t. It’s Monday, and I’m unhappy. I can only hope that admitting this today will make tomorrow a little bit better.