Lifestyle Reflection

Dating in The Big Easy is Hard

I’m a plus-size woman who likes to enjoy my life, and I like the idea of meeting someone who wants the same thing. I’m friendly and outgoing. Most of my friends would tell you that I’m confident in almost every circumstance, and in most cases, it’s true.

I am well-groomed, educated, independent and good at a myriad of things. I have talents and hobbies and ambitions (some that that I mention here and many that I don’t.) I have a lot of awesome characteristics, but my weight is the first thing anyone ever sees. Most of time time it defines me before people have a chance to get to know me, and I have mixed feelings about that.

I don’t mind that I’m not desired by everyone. I like attention, sure, but I feel validated and content without the constant need for attention that used to be important to me. I don’t need to be the girl who gets picked up by strangers who want to do her at the bar (or at the auto parts store,) but I’d like to be the woman whose characteristics are attractive and desirable to one man who has his own myriad of attractive characteristics.

It hasn’t been easy to date in New Orleans. (Okay, it doesn’t help that I was hung up on someone for nearly a year,) but recently I decided that I’d let myself try again. I went on a couple of dates while I was out of town,and I clicked with someone here. I was pleasantly surprised by it, and that’s probably all I’ll say about it for quite some time.

Dating in this plus-size body makes it more complicated than it would be if I were thin, but I’m okay with that if it means that I can weed out the majority to get the needle in the haystack.

People often assume that I must feel insecure, especially on dates, but the truth is that I feel pretty good about myself most of the time until society reminds me that I shouldn’t. I don’t remember who said it, but someone made an excellent point recently when they said not to worry about society’s standards because society sucks. I agree, and my hope is that there are guys out there somewhere who agree too.

 

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9 Comments

  • Reply
    Staysail
    November 3, 2014 at 11:32 am

    Honestly, dating is hard everywhere, at any size. Especially for smart women. I am dating less now -60lbs than I was heavier. And it’s getting worse as I get older! I still hold out hope though 🙂

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      November 5, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      There’s always hope…always!

  • Reply
    Dan
    November 3, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    I never assume that overweight people are insecure, I know many who aren’t. But I do kinda feel sorry for them. That sounds bad, but I just want people to enjoy healthy lives. I am young male weight loss coach and have dated overweight women. I’m just happy that I realise, like most men don’t, that it’s better to be attracted to a personality than a bum.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      November 5, 2014 at 3:09 pm

      It does sound kind of bad, Dan, because I know people who don’t feel bad about themselves as they are. I think it would be so cool if I could love myself without society’s standards being shoved in my face. I love to be on my bicycle, and I’m pretty active most days. I think society needs to shut up and let me be who I want to be without always telling me that I’m wrong.

  • Reply
    Emily
    November 3, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    Well said!! Especially about feeling confident until society tells you you’re not the norm.

    As for relationships and size, I saw something recently where a plus size woman felt uncomfortable in a dress, and so her husband noticed. When she called him out on it he was kind and explained that it wasn’t her size that he was uncomfortable with, it was that SHE wasn’t comfortable and he was reacting to her discomfort.

    I read that and thought the opposite is most likely true! The more content and confident a girl is, THAT is what people (guys and girls alike) respond to. It makes others more comfortable around you. (“You” in general…). It’s what I’ve found when I leave my insecurities behind and just enjoy myself (without thinking too much).

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      November 5, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      Yeah, I think you’re on to something, Emily. I strut my stuff most days and feel pretty awesome doing it. People respond well to that (even though it hasn’t translated into happily ever after for me yet.) Ha

  • Reply
    Joy
    November 5, 2014 at 7:59 am

    Hi Kenlie, long-time lurker, first-time commenter 🙂 I wanted to play devil’s advocate for a minute and say that there is definitely a negative flip-side here. Trying to date when you’re considered “conventionally attractive” is not as easy either because there are a lot of guys who couldn’t give a sh*t that you’re an educated, ambitious, driven, well-rounded lady when all their thinking about is getting in your pants. And it’s not a matter of location either, meaning this isn’t only true at 2am on a Sat. night in a bar. I can’t even begin to comment on how frustrating it is to have a guy seem into you and interested in what you have to say only to turn around and completely blow you off like you’re worthless when you make it evident that he won’t be getting laid right away. It’s like, wow I must be dumb to think a guy might actually be interested in my thoughts and feelings. You start feeling like the world is full of mysoginists who just want you to look pretty, shut up, and spread your legs on command. Obviously, the world isn’t really that black and white, and I have no doubt that you’ll find your Prince Charming, as I eventually did. The worthwhile (read: nice) guys are out there and it will be oh-so-worth the wait when you find him, Kenlie <3

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      November 5, 2014 at 1:18 pm

      Hi Joy, I appreciate your comment, and I’m so glad that you decided to say hello. Sadly, I disagree with your comment. Ha Guys are creeps in general, sure, but as you said, the world isn’t that black and white..not. even. close.

      Being plus-size means that most of the time I don’t even have a shot. Let’s not pretend it’s the same…That said, I’d rather be solo than to be with someone who isn’t awesome. I think you’re right about the waiting part whether I find him or not.

      • Reply
        Mike
        January 19, 2015 at 9:33 am

        I’m one of those guys that agrees Kenlie. I agree with you in that society sucks. People just suck in general if I may say so. Many pass judgment on a person in their appearance alone before they even get to know them! It’s very unfair and it annoys me so much to constantly see and hear about this every day. If I were interested in dating (which I’m not), I’d rather have a woman who was kind, funny, understood my weird but funny quirks about me (like I find doing math problems as a fun hobby for instance), smart and wiling to accept me for who I was, not who she wants me to be. Her size wouldn’t matter, or how she does her hair and all that other stuff that guys usually pass judgment about. As long as she has a good heart, that’s good enough for me.
        I do agree with you in part that guys are creeps, but not all guys are. There are some good ones out there too and any guy would be lucky to be with you. Just reading your blog over the past few weeks, I can see that you are a great woman. You run a great blog here, you interact well with everyone and respect their opinions (not many people do this anymore), not afraid to speak what’s on your mind, and much more. We need more people like you Kenlie. If I ever wish to start dating, I hope to find a great woman like you. I hope you find your special someone one day too. But even if you don’t, you’re still awesome. Never let society form who you are. You help form the society.

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