Disgusted with Myself

I’ve been hating on myself pretty hard lately. I can’t stand the way that I look. I can’t believe that I let myself gain back so much of what I lost. There’s so much good in my life, but sometimes (often times) it feels overshadowed by my obesity. I’m tired of it, frustrated by it and seemingly stuck in this rut in which I feel helpless to change it.

Yesterday I tracked my food intake. I wasn’t exactly shocked to learn that I’ve been eating garbage. I knew that already. We all knew that already, but I wrote it down.

Today I started my day on the treadmill. My heart rate was elevated for 30 minutes, followed by some stretching and selfies.

Kenlie Gym

I didn’t exactly feel like smiling because as I sat there, sweaty, staring at myself in the floor to ceiling mirrors, I had to admit that I screwed up. I failed. I gained back a significant amount of weight. We’re talking 50 pounds here, and I don’t ever want to have to say that I gained back over 100.

The way I look pisses me off. I’m okay with the basic structure of my face, and I even like how it looks when I weigh 290 pounds. I’m fine with my imperfect smile, my lips, my hands and ankles; it’s everything in between that pisses me off.

I blame my excess weight for everything that I don’t have. I have friends and family who love me,Β many of whom would argue that I’m beautiful if they read this post, but I don’t believe it today.

I don’t need to be skinny to be happy. I know that from experience, all I need to be happy, is to feel like the best version of myself. I haven’t felt like that in a really, really long time. I’m trying to change that.

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25 Comments

  • Reply
    PJ
    December 2, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    At least you’re exercising! That’s doing something positive for yourself, even if your diet hasn’t been what you’d like it to be. I should be doing as much, but I’m not. (Every day is a new chance, eh?) I’m up 50 pounds myself. You’re not alone. And I’m neither your friend nor your family, so maybe it means something from me: you’re beautiful.

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  • Reply
    Caylie
    December 2, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    Huh, this is exactly how I’m feeling too. Totally disgusted with myself. But it’s my whole body. Every last bit.
    And each day I tell myself I need to eat better and I need to workout, and each day I fail. It’s a never-ending circle that I desperately want to get out of.
    Your post helped me see that I’m not alone. So, thank you for that.
    And also, You.Are.Beautiful!

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  • Reply
    David
    December 2, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Proud of you for sharing. Proud of you for working to make changes. Proud of the person you are, have been, and will continue to be. It takes courage to fight for your happiness, especially when that fight is internal. Good thing you’re one of the most courageous ladies I know!

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  • Reply
    Kimberly
    December 2, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    I feel like I could have written this post. You are not alone. I experienced the same horror last Sunday and immediately hopped back onto the wagon. 8 days later I am down 14 pounds and feeling strong. You can’t do anything about yesterday. It sucks today, but as long as you just focus on today, then the coming tomorrows will be better. As long as we don’t quit, we can’t fail. And you’ve definitely not quit. That is your success.

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  • Reply
    Pinky,RunLaughEatPie (@pinkypie)
    December 2, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Kenlie, stop the negative stuff.
    Right now.

    If you weren’t you, but instead a friend, what would you do? You would not be disgusted with a friend, you would love them even more and tell them that whatever happened to get to this point of bad feelings DOES NOT MATTER. So what if you have gained weight back? What matters is that you decide RIGHT now to take care of you. Whether you do it one day or one minute at a time.

    Be that friend to yourself Kenz. You deserve it. Just like you deserve happiness, love and a kickass job. You will have all those things in your life. Don’t rush. Life, the Universe, God, whatever you believe in gives you exactly what you need when you need it. So pay attention to the signs and do right by YOU.

    I love you Kenz. A million hugs from across the world. xxxxxx

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  • Reply
    Petra
    December 2, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    Lots of us struggeling with weight issues, have been there. I know I have. It’s a constant battle and sometimes you win, sometimes you fail.
    Sometimes other stuff in your life needs priority for a while.
    Don’t beat yourself up about it. You know you can do this, just try to start over one small step at a time.
    I once heard that the secret to succeeding is picking yourself up one more time than the times you fail.
    Good luck to you and big hug of encouragement xxx

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  • Reply
    Less of Less (@lessofless)
    December 2, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    I’m so sorry that you feel that way. You are beautiful person inside and out. Reading this entry is like reading my own diary though. I want the same things as you and blame my weight for not having them. I don’t know if that is the real reason or not, but it is definitely part of it.
    Tracking your food again is a great first step! I wish you the best of luck moving into a happier version of you!

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  • Reply
    Eileen
    December 2, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    I don’t think hating on yourself is the answer. How about spending some time “renewing your mind” (Romans 12:2) and meditating on your identity in Christ? I’ll be praying for you to refute the lies that are going through your mind with the truth!

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  • Reply
    Elka
    December 2, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    I hope you find some relief soon from the self-loathing. I know how you feel. I think what I most like in the rare chunks of time that I’m “on track” is the feeling of being in control of at least a few things in life. However, the joy of feeling in control in those brief intervals seems to make the helplessness all the more sharp when I “fall off the wagon.” Just remember what you would tell someone else if she shared what you shared today–and direct those kind words to yourself. You are your best self when you are kind, patient, and forgiving with yourself. Period. Everything grows from that. You deserve that love.

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  • Reply
    Sarah
    December 2, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    Every aspect of weight loss and the life changes that go along with it is hard!!! At least you made it to the gym;) praying for better days ahead for ya. Also, When I feel discouraged about where I am at fitness & health wise I remember the Japenese proverb “Fall seven times stand up eight.” You got this Kenlie;)

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  • Reply
    Junebug Ash
    December 2, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    (((hugs))) I’m right there with you. You can do this!

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  • Reply
    Nina Patricia
    December 2, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    I think we have all been there at one point. I know I am. I keep saying I need to loose weight before my next birthday. I need to feel better from all my stomach issues, I need to be able to walk a mile without my knees being in flames….I just don’t know wher to start….at least you are doing something about it.

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  • Reply
    Nancy Giovanni
    December 2, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    I haven’t lost and gained weight, I have a hundred extra pounds I have been hauling around the last 20 years, (I’m 60) but I feel just like you. I am so tired of it. I cant even go a day without losing my battle.

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  • Reply
    Sabrina Alexandra
    December 2, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    I feel like I could have written this. Our line of thinking is very much the same right now. Chin up and let’s keep on truckin’.

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  • Reply
    Deborah Lopresti
    December 3, 2014 at 1:41 am

    Yep, going through the same thing and I’d say that so many of us are in the same vicious circle, around and around, resolution…sincere resolution…..honest to goodness motivation and then…poof !!! somehow it gets lost and we are wondering what happened. We don’t feel that we are being dishonest with ourselves or others but we slip back into the old familiar unhealthy thinking. We are human. We can try again. Let’s try again.

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  • Reply
    Kelly
    December 3, 2014 at 7:41 am

    Kenlie, I have followed you for the past 4 or so years.

    I too have gained over 50 lbs. and am just at a loss why I can’t get back on the wagon. I try, I fail and it is a constant battle.

    I want to be successful, just can’t see myself trying to lose something I’ve already lost. Maybe my weight is here to stay!

    Wish you the strength girl–to get what you want. πŸ™‚

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  • Reply
    Maria
    December 3, 2014 at 9:55 am

    I feel the exact same way!!! I had a 6 lb gain at my WW weigh in this week and I’m so mad at myself because I did this to myself!!! No one forced me to eat so much or sit around watching holiday movies and ordering in!
    It’s an every day struggle and it’s even harder during the holidays.
    I kept putting limits on myself…saying I want to lose this many pounds by Thanksgiving, this many by Christmas, etc. but I realize I only set myelf up for failure because I become depressed and mad at myself when I didn’t reach that goal.
    I’ve decided to take this journey day by day and not worry about tomorrow but to try to focus on eating properly and tracking my intake and getting some form of exercise in today then worrying about tomorrow the next day.
    Good luck with your journey! I’m sure you’ll make it through this and get back on track soon! You got this Kenlie! πŸ™‚

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  • Reply
    Meredith
    December 3, 2014 at 10:38 am

    I’ve been there. I got back in a really good groove for the past four months and then had a checkup and – diabetes. It’s hard to believe, but that spurred me to stay on track now and adjust a few things. I’m so grateful I was exercising regularly and eating pretty healhtfully already, so it hasn’t been a huge change lifestyle-wise. But this is a serious disease that all of us with weight issues are at serious risk of developing. Please, please, get on track so you can avoid this road.

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  • Reply
    Ann
    December 3, 2014 at 11:02 am

    I’m not family either, so hopefully you believe when I say you’re definitely beautiful!!!! I’ve always thought you had such a pretty smile, not imperfect πŸ™‚ Sounds like you’ve made some good decisions for your future & if you can keep with them, I know you’ll succeed!

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  • Reply
    N.
    December 3, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    Keep doing what you are doing: Tracking everything and consistent exercise. It’s a good start. You’ve done it before, you can do it again, one step at a time.

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  • Reply
    Leah (goodnight cheese)
    December 4, 2014 at 10:11 am

    I’ve definitely been there – the crushing disappointment in myself and feeling gross for having gained back almost all the weight I lost, which brought me to within 15 pounds of my starting weight.

    But. We did it before, which means we have the ability and the power to lose weight. So we can do it again. I’ve lost about 10 back of the weight I gained – not much, but it’s a start.

    One suggestion – replace “skinny” with “healthy.” You absolutely don’t need to be skinny to be happy, but maybe it’s reasonable to say that being unhealthy has the power to impact your happiness, and that’s completely okay.

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  • Reply
    stellarfashionandfitness
    December 5, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    As many people have said already, this could be a page out of my own diary! I think we all feel defeated when something we worked so hard to do, like losing weight, comes back at us and kicks us down again. I have regained some of the weight I lost, too, and I also feel stuck at times. But we do know what works, we do know what we have to do to find success at this again, and we CAN do it! But we also need to love ourselves during this process because I honestly believe we won’t accomplish our goals if we don’t love ourselves enough, at whatever state or weight we’re in, to push through! We got this!!

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  • Reply
    Sierra
    December 9, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    I know how you feel, Hun, cuz I’ve been there myself. I am there myself. One thing I would ask though is: wouldn’t you rather be where you are now than where you first started? Just keep going! You will have setbacks, but it doesn’t mean you won’t get to where you want to be.

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  • Reply
    Martha Newman
    December 11, 2014 at 12:48 am

    I just started reading a book on mindfulness for beginners and I’m going to give it a try. I want to turn off the negative feedback that makes me my own worst enemy. Even if you and I never change a thing about ourselves, Kenlie, we are good and wonderful people who deserve all that life has to offer.

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  • Reply
    Chelsea (chelseaa-sweet-like-sugar)
    December 13, 2014 at 6:52 am

    Don’t let your weight gain be a discouragement. We all have ups and downs. I have previously done the same thing by loosing weight and then putting it back on and more! But knowing that you’ve lost the weight before should be an encouragement, you should be proud that you’ve done it before and let that encourage you by knowing that you can do it again. πŸ™‚

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