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I Don’t Have Kids, And I’m Not Sure If I Want To

Last week I shared my reasons for not having kids with SHAPE Magazine. It’s not something that I talk about often, but it’s a relevant topic for women my age.

Shape Magazine

People often tell me that I’d make a great mother, which is a huge compliment. I absolutely adore my nieces, and I can’t imagine life without them. My church is filled with bouncy, happy kids who run to me in droves to hug me. They even call me ‘Olaf’ because I remind them of the sweet snowman who loves warm hugs. It makes me so happy!

I always dreaded the idea of having kids, even when I lived with a man that I thought I would marry in my late 20’s. He wanted them; I didn’t. It was a small source of contention, but we had plenty of other reasons to break it off.

Last year when I had serious feelings (like I want to marry him, and I’ll spend the rest of my life living in a mini mcmansion in the suburbs if it means I can be with him kind of feelings) I realized that I might want to be a mother. He has three amazing kids, and being close to all of them them helped me understand what it would be like to be responsible for another person.That man was the first person (and the only one so far) who ever made me think that the 9 month process that women go through might be something that I’d want to do.

I’m not going to marry him and live happily ever after in the suburbs, which is okay since I’m more comfortable in my urban, high-rise environment. It was painful to come to that realization, but he showed me that it was possible to feel that way about a person and having a potential family.

When a writer from SHAPE asked me about my thoughts on having children, it wasn’t easy to offer my opinion.

Women are supposed to want to have kids. Many of them grow up playing with baby dolls, dreaming of the perfect wedding dress, etc. I didn’t think about that much as a kid. In high school I assumed that I’d go to college, then get married around 22. Most people around me at the time did just that, but I traveled, moved to the coolest city in the nation, made friends, found love, lost it, went back to school, etc.

People who have kids tell me how much it changed them, how awesome it is, etc. They explain that they once felt the way that I do, that having kids makes you less selfish…I believe that’s true, but I’ve seen situations in which kids are not a parent’s top priority. It’s sad, and it’s irresponsible.

It’s also important to note my size. I know several women my size who have kids, and I definitely have more energy than many people that I know (larger and smaller than I am.) I’d be at a higher risk than a person of average size too. I’m not saying that it’s not possible; I’m just saying that there’s risk involved.

It sounds so harsh to say that I don’t want to have kids, but that’s not exactly true anyway. The truth is that I just don’t know, and I think you need to be fully committed to it before adding another human to this overpopulated planet.

I don’t have a supportive husband, and raising a child isn’t something that I want to do alone. I don’t even have a dog right now because I’m not home enough to care for one properly. How am I supposed to be responsible for a tiny human life?




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  • Reply
    Sabrina Alexandra
    January 21, 2015 at 11:41 am

    I am so on board with this thought process, you have no idea. I am about to turn 30 and only a handful of times in my adult life have I wanted to have kids. And that is OK! Now, as I settle down a bit more and prepare to turn another decade, I sometimes wonder about being a mother. I know for certain that I do not want to birth my own child, but I am more than willing to adopt if and when that time comes. I was adopted, so if anything, I would want to give another child the same life that I was given 29 years ago.

    • Reply
      January 21, 2015 at 4:27 pm

      Wow. That is a spectacularly awesome way to look at it, Sabrina.

  • Reply
    Lauren H.
    January 21, 2015 at 5:36 pm

    When I married my husband seven years ago, I suddenly wanted to have a baby. It felt like it was this really strong biological thing! Before I met him, I did not think that I wanted to have children or at least I was more on the “NO” -end of the spectrum. I think it is timing for some people. Although, some ladies go on to have children alone, without a husband or boyfriend by choice, they are kind of born “Mothers”.

    I only have one. I knew that this was how I wanted it right after she was born. One and done! People in my circle over the years have questioned this – why would I want to stop at one?! won’t she be lonely? isn’t that kind of selfish to leave our child without siblings?

    Basically, no matter what you do, there will be critics I think. You always have to do what is right for you.

  • Reply
    January 22, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    Actually, I don’t think there should be any reason for anyone to criticize or blame you; the basic reason being, it’s simply easier to raise kids with a partner. I would totally be in the same train of thought if I were still single (which, sometimes, would be nice, haha; need a little breathing room sometimes!). And if one doesn’t have a nagging or burning desire, why even go there?
    My husband and I have been married for over 8 years and only now am I pregnant with our first. It took awhile for us to come around to it, and we were definitely criticized along the way (“you’re not getting any younger” etc. I’m 32, btw) but man, you have to do what is right for you. In instances like these, keep a one track mind and set your sights on your goals. No one else can think for you, no one else lives your life. In the end, critics are only that. The stuff comes out of their mouths, and 5 seconds later they’re onto something else and probably have forgotten all about you. So forget about them!

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