weight loss

And I Thought I Felt Like Garbage Before

Someone made me feel like a pathetic piece of crap tonight. He didn’t say anything negative about me, but his comment cut me at my core. It sent me into a nagative headspace in which I’m reminded that no one in their right mind would want me. 

If you asked my BFF’s to describe me they would tell you that I’m witty, smart, aware of my worth, talented and straightforward. Often times I feel like that’s true, but today I’m the polar opposite.

I’ve talked about how lonely and isolated I feel a lot lately. People close to me laid out all kinds of things they felt were wrong about me, and I haven’t heard much from them since. It’s frustrating to feel like I have to be perfect because right now, what I feel is pain. 

I was reminded that no matter what I’m good at or how I make people feel, I’m still fat, which is among the worst things a person in the U.S. can possibly be. Forget that I spread kindness wherever I go. Who cares that I have a big heart filled with love and that I give it away everyday? 

I’ve come so far. I’ve made incredible strides, but it doesn’t matter because I’m not “hot.” (Please spare me the patronizing comments about how I’m not ugly.) 

I know that the world isn’t fair; I realized that as a child. In spite of that, I’ve almost always managed to find silver linings. I’ve always recognized that there will be good days and bad days. I know that this is a rough season that I’ll eventually get through, but right now I’m hurting. It sucks. 

I hate that it’s so awful to be fat; I hate that I’ve tried to change it and failed. I hate that I let societal opinions (as messed up and unacceptable as they are) take up space in my thoughts. 

The reality is that I will feel better. I won’t allow these feelings to linger forever, but they’ve already made room in my head for far too long. 

I know that God wants more for me, and I wish I could stop the pity party long enough feel renewed by Him now. I’ve cried. I’ve called out to Him. I’ve fallen, repented, waited, and now I guess I have to wait some more. 

Now, as I sit and listen to my favorite band of all time, I’m reminded once again – “no matter how cold the winter, there’s a springtime ahead.” 

I hope I find my way back soon….

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  • Reply
    Marjorie Hansen
    May 19, 2015 at 1:10 am

    Yep, I understand. You know from FB I’m a fatty. I SOOO get this. Just one thing-be kind to yourself. <3

  • Reply
    May 19, 2015 at 6:29 am

    You stated in your blog that you tried to lose weight and you failed …. You know this is not true … You don’t fail till you stop trying .. You haven’t failed you aren’t a failure

    You say you prayed to God asked for repeat emcee and edited and you guess you need to wait longer … I don’t agree with this… You need to move forward knowing that God has forgiven you and wants the best for you … Done wait ….move forward make active plans as to how your going to do that

    Don’t let anyone change the view you have of yourself ( the view that God has of you, that you are a Child of his…a princess … Someone He chose to have on this earth to do the work that ONLY you can do for Him)

    Praying for you I totally understand your feelings

  • Reply
    May 19, 2015 at 10:52 am

    I am so sorry that someone said something unkind to you! What an A Frame! Have u ever tried or been to OA? They focus on a spiritual solution to our relationships to good and people. There are podcasts to listen to meetings if u want to check them out… Free just google it. Thinking of you and hoping today is a better one .

  • Reply
    May 19, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    Okay, so, here’s the thing–it doesn’t really matter what you look like, or rather, what others think you look like. Personally, I think you’re really pretty–you have kind eyes, and an infectious smile–but it doesn’t matter what I think. I’m just a stranger on the internet. It matters what YOU think, and how you see yourself, and whether you like the way you look. You have to love yourself, and be kind to yourself–and I think you probably know this, but until that happens, nothing’s going to change. I wouldn’t put much stock into what these people who you are close to you say; it sounds like they don’t really have your best interest at heart if they say all these negative things to/about you. Friends/Family shouldn’t make you feel like this, and if they do, maybe it’s time to distance yourself from them for a while. Work on loving yourself, on accepting yourself as you are–just like Jesus did. The rest will fall into place.

  • Reply
    May 19, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    Oh, and I forgot to add this in my first comment–look up Brene Brown–she’d done a few TED talks, one on the power of vulnerability and another on listening to shame. They’re kind of life-changing.

  • Reply
    May 19, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    People are just straight up rude, heartless, and dumb sometimes. Period. Sorry that ur having to deal with so many of them. I’m here if ever u wanna talk or hang out!

  • Reply
    May 19, 2015 at 6:38 pm

    Oohhh, I I I am still alive, woah woah I, I , I, I’m still alive… yeah yeah yeah ya ya ya!!! 🙂

    • Reply
      May 20, 2015 at 9:38 am

      Ryan!!!! Hiiiiii!!!!! How are you? Where are you?!

      • Reply
        May 22, 2015 at 6:45 am

        I am in Rwanda. I am good. Shoot me an email! 🙂

  • Reply
    Rosalind B.
    May 19, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    You might want to watch Brittany Gibbons on the Today Show. She was on the 4th hour this morning and her answer to the negativity from the internet seems like a good way to deal with it. Don’t give negativity the power. Hang in there losing weight is a tough road but just keep going forward and whoever chooses not to walk along maybe shouldn’t be there for your journey. Forget about how much you lost and gained in the past and make a new goal every day. you can do it!

  • Reply
    May 20, 2015 at 4:49 am

    Love and hugs. Will check out the dates we talked about too.

  • Reply
    May 20, 2015 at 9:24 am

    My heart breaks for you. I’ve been on the receiving end of this type of thing before and I would imagine because of stereotypes, it’s even worse for females. I know how the cycle goes too. Someone says something that makes u feel like garbage and then ur mind makes it ricochet around like an echo for days, sometimes weeks on end. Someone hits you with the hammer of their words and then it’s like they hand u the hammer and u keep the beating going.

    Your identity in Christ is the only way to safety. After that, surround yourself with the people in ur life who see u for who u really are. Praying for u.

  • Reply
    May 20, 2015 at 2:53 pm

    Hang in – you inspired me DAILY for a long time! I owe you big for that!!!! Like someone above said…you do not fail until you quit trying!! Its just a journey…just keep walking (or trudging or trying)! I am hoping tomorrow is a better day for you! Sending hugs and prayers!

  • Reply
    Anne McElvain
    May 21, 2015 at 4:09 pm

    I turn to Eleanor Roosevelt for strength on days like this. Some of my favorite quotes:
    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” and
    “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.”
    Forgive yourself for the anger you feel at yourself and at society. You are a strong person, and I believe in you!

  • Reply
    May 22, 2015 at 7:19 am

    your posts alway speak to me. Reading today it made me think of accepting Gods timeline not mine. It’s something that I struggle with. Your favorite song is right. You will be refreshed. God picks us up. But he does resolve things for us in his time. xo

  • Reply
    May 26, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    People are so stupid and cruel sometimes, it drives me crazy. I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure such mean comments and statements Kenlie. Kenlie, you are a wonderful and bright person and anyone that can’t see that is an idiot. I’ve been feeling like crap lately too. The less than kind people that we speak of, have been giving me a hard time as well, reminding me that I don’t speak well. I have a speech impediment so while my words might be clear and concise in writing, verbally, I sometimes have trouble enunciating. I’ve always had this problem, ever since I was little. It’s really bad when I’m nervous. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I can go a long while without stuttering. But every so often, it returns with a vengeance and I totally embarrass myself. And people laugh… 🙁
    But as hurtful as these idiots are, I try and remember that I have good people in my life as well, those that can see that I’m smart, witty, easy and eager to please, and funny (I actually have a sense of humor!).
    But I will encourage you to keep on going and not give up Kenlie. You are a good and strong person. I think that everyone on this post can agree with that as it sounds like everyone here is supporting you, including me. You have a lot of good friends that are supporting you Kenlie. I will keep you in my prayers as well, that you will overcome this and will feel stronger in knowing that you are better than what these negative people say about you. Lots of love your way! 🙂

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