I’ve never been skinny as an adult. Actually, I was a chubby kid too, but there were years in which I didn’t think about how I looked. I felt normal, and I’ve wished for that most of my adult life.
The last few days have been eye-opening for me. I realize, once again, that I’m not where I want to be – in my body, in my relationship with God, in relationships with others. I mean, I have a few solid friends and an awesome family, but I find myself looking forward to spending more time alone than usual.
I think I’m just tired. The semester is over, but work isn’t. I understand that it’s real life; I understand that I choose to leave my house most mornings around 7:30 only to return home around 10 pm after a day of work, other fun and interesting responsibilities and socializing.
I also realize that I have it better than many; my life is good. I don’t have every single thing that I want, but I have most of it. I don’t lack anything I need. I’m just not content.
I spend time alone with God everyday, though not as much as I did before I began this job and started desiring things that don’t line up with His will. I’m going to be more intentional in my time with Him – reading, worshipping and listening. (I’m terrible at the latter part. I’m impatient…I mean, I am seriously tired of waiting to discover His plan for my life.)
My weight is also a big struggle, and I think it’s causing me to seek rest in this little funk that I’m in. As I type this, I can’t escape the reality of my body’s size. Looking down I see more of it than I did two years ago, and I hate that. I hate it…I am fully aware that it is my responsibility to change it, but I just don’t fight hard enough to do it. Some would say that I don’t love myself enough to do it.
I do love myself. I really do. I think that I’m lovable too. The disdain I feel regarding my body doesn’t stem from some inner hatred of myself. I know what that feels like, and that’s not where I am now. It stems from society. It stems from worthless strangers who would have me believe that being fat is the worst thing I could ever be.
I didn’t just start hating the way I looked again. It didn’t happen until I realized that after everything I put into being healthier, I was still just seen by so many as an ugly lump of crap that was of no value.
This little season of my life (over the last few months) has been exhausting. I want to lean on God and let Him fill me with all of the warm, fuzzy feeings that arise in me when I know He’s with me. I just don’t feel it right now. I know He’s here, watching me, waiting to pick me when I fall, waiting to open His arms when I run to Him. I’ve felt hints of that over the last two weeks, but right now I feel empty.
I feel angry that I was so tempted to be with someone who isn’t available to me because I liked the affection and how he made me feel. I also feel resentful that I have so much love in my heart to give and no one (no man who loves me back) to give it to. I’m aggravated by people who spout the, “Well, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you” crap because I see lots of people everyday who are more messed up than me and in relationships with people that they love. (Seriously, if you’re reading this skip the love yourself stuff, so I don’t dream of kicking you in the chins.)
I’m lonely. It’s pathetic, but I’m human. I don’t want a random guy. I want to meet the guy. Hell, at this point, I’d just like to believe he exists and that someday I’ll get to do life with him.
I’d like to think that somewhere there’s someone who will hug me on rough days, seek a closer relationship with God on his own and with me, celebrate my birthday for a week and remove bugs when they’re near me.
There have been moments in my life in which I felt so full of joy that I didn’t care if I ever met thhe Future Mr. Kenlie, and those moments were when I as experiencing the overwhelming presence of God. I know He’s here, and I know He’s willing to use me even when I feel unworthy (you know, all the time.) I just want to love a human too.
He gave me these desires, and now all I can do is hand them back over to Him. They’re crushing me, so I’m surrendering right now.
You see my desires. and my weaknesses. You said that I’ll seek You and find you when I seek you with all of my heart. I’m trying. Okay, I was trying, and now I want to try again. Help me, God. Know my heart, and renew me.
You said that You’ll give me the desires of my heart when they line up with Your will, so here I am…surrendering every feeling of desire, loneliness, and resentment. Have Your way in my life, and line up my will with yours. Thank you for everything You’ve done for me and everything that You’re going to do.
Clean out my heart and wash away everything that is not of you, and give me peace…Prepare me for my future, and fill my heart with unshakable joy that can only come from you.
In Jesus’ name,
This is all I know to do. God already knows my heart and my innermost thoughts. He also knows my desire to do His will and my desire for immediate gratification. He knows every flaw, and He loves me anyway. He doesn’t judge me as harshly as people do, and I’m thankful for that too.
I seriouly hope that I can share my feelings of joy and peace soon because I’m tired of carrying these burdens. I need rest, so I’m going to start trusting that God’s got this.