Prayer, Surrender, Hope, God, Feelings, Emotions, Relationships, Love

Crying Out

I’ve never been skinny as an adult. Actually, I was a chubby kid too, but there were years in which I didn’t think about how I looked. I felt normal, and I’ve wished for that most of my adult life. 

The last few days have been eye-opening for me. I realize, once again, that I’m not where I want to be – in my body, in my relationship with God, in relationships with others. I mean, I have a few solid friends and an awesome family, but I find myself looking forward to spending more time alone than usual. 

I think I’m just tired. The semester is over, but work isn’t. I understand that it’s real life; I understand that I choose to leave my house most mornings around 7:30 only to return home around 10 pm after a day of work, other fun and interesting responsibilities and socializing. 

I also realize that I have it better than many; my life is good. I don’t have every single thing that I want, but I have most of it. I don’t lack anything I need. I’m just not content.

I spend time alone with God everyday, though not as much as I did before I began this job and started desiring things that don’t line up with His will. I’m going to be more intentional in my time with Him – reading, worshipping and listening. (I’m terrible at the latter part. I’m impatient…I mean, I am seriously tired of waiting to discover His plan for my life.) 

My weight is also a big struggle, and I think it’s causing me to seek rest in this little funk that I’m in. As I type this, I can’t escape the reality of my body’s size. Looking down I see more of it than I did two years ago, and I hate that. I hate it…I am fully aware that it is my responsibility to change it, but I just don’t fight hard enough to do it. Some would say that I don’t love myself enough to do it. 

I do love myself. I really do. I think that I’m lovable too. The disdain I feel regarding my body doesn’t stem from some inner hatred of myself. I know what that feels like, and that’s not where I am now. It stems from society. It stems from worthless strangers who would have me believe that being fat is the worst thing I could ever be. 

I didn’t just start hating the way I looked again. It didn’t happen until I realized that after everything I put into being healthier, I was still just seen by so many as an ugly lump of crap that was of no value. 

This little season of my life (over the last few months) has been exhausting. I want to lean on God and let Him fill me with all of the warm, fuzzy feeings that arise in me when I know He’s with me. I just don’t feel it right now. I know He’s here, watching me, waiting to pick me when I fall, waiting to open His arms when I run to Him. I’ve felt hints of that over the last two weeks, but right now I feel empty. 

I feel angry that I was so tempted to be with someone who isn’t available to me because I liked the affection and how  he made me feel. I also feel resentful that I have so much love in my heart to give and no one (no man who loves me back) to give it to. I’m aggravated by people who spout the, “Well, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you” crap because I see lots of people everyday who are more messed up than me and in relationships with people that they love. (Seriously, if you’re reading this skip the love yourself stuff, so I don’t dream of kicking you in the chins.) 

I’m lonely. It’s pathetic, but I’m human. I don’t want a random guy. I want to meet the guy. Hell, at this point, I’d just like to believe he exists and that someday I’ll get to do life with him. 

I’d like to think that somewhere there’s someone who will hug me on rough days, seek a closer relationship with God on his own and with me, celebrate my birthday for a week and remove bugs when they’re near me. 

There have been moments in my life in which I felt so full of joy that I didn’t care if I ever met thhe Future Mr. Kenlie, and those moments were when I as experiencing the overwhelming presence of God. I know He’s here, and I know He’s willing to use me even when I feel unworthy (you know, all the time.) I just want to love a human too. 

He gave me these desires, and now all I can do is hand them back over to Him. They’re crushing me, so I’m surrendering right now. 

God,

You see my desires. and my weaknesses. You said that I’ll seek You and find you when I seek you with all of my heart. I’m trying. Okay, I was trying, and now I want to try again. Help me, God. Know my heart, and renew me.

You said that You’ll give me the desires of my heart when they line up with Your will, so here I am…surrendering every feeling of desire, loneliness, and resentment. Have Your way in my life, and line up my will with yours. Thank you for everything You’ve done for me and everything that You’re going to do. 

Clean out my heart and wash away everything that is not of you, and give me peace…Prepare me for my future, and fill my heart with unshakable joy that can only come from you. 

In Jesus’ name,

 Amen

This is all I know to do. God already knows my heart and my innermost thoughts. He also knows my desire to do His will and my desire for immediate gratification. He knows every flaw, and He loves me anyway. He doesn’t judge me as harshly as people do, and I’m thankful for that too. 

I seriouly hope that I can share my feelings of joy and peace soon because I’m tired of carrying these burdens. I need rest, so I’m going to start trusting that God’s got this. 

—–

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Matthew 11:28


11 Comments

  • Reply
    Tara
    May 12, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Loved this!

  • Reply
    Ms. Burdie
    May 12, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    I know I’ve said this before and I’m going to say it again – I’m so thankful for your blog. Every single time I read your posts it feels as though you are reading from my diary for that day word for word. I know in the past you’ve also struggled with whether you wanted to continue this blog and I’m so glad you have because it helps me to realize I’m not alone. If you polled your readers I bet they would all feel the same way. Sharing your struggles is very intimate and I appreciate every word. You are a wonderful person and your struggles are real, just like the rest of ours. Thank you for sharing and caring.

  • Reply
    Erin
    May 12, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    I could not have written this better myself. I often talk to a close friend of mine about her infertility issues and my loneliness. The “love yourself first” card is so old. I truly believe that most people find love regardless of loving themselves or not. My friend is miserable because of infertility, but she has a husband who supports her and is there every day. I have not experienced infertility, so I know I could never walk in her shoes, but I know the pain of wanting to love someone so badly, and no matter what you do, God just isn’t ready for you to share it with someone. It sucks. If I knew or understood the purpose, it would be easier to accept. Thank you for writing so candidly. I can truly relate to this post.

  • Reply
    Lisa
    May 13, 2015 at 12:59 am

    This is faith! When it all is a struggle and we’re tired and feeling broken, it comes down to faith. Keep the faith, Kenlie. God is making you stronger!

  • Reply
    stephrheams
    May 13, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    I completely relate to feeling so lost in your singleness. I spent the majority of my adulthood living with other couples and watching everyone else get married and having these seemingly fulfilling relationships and I was always alone. It always made me feel like there was something wrong with me and that if God ever brought someone along I’d just screw it up. The desires you’re having are absolutely healthy, normal desires. But that never makes them any easier to deal with, I know, makes u just want to give up and give into them. Don’t lose heart. I believe that you’re exactly where God wants you. Sounds like he’s stirring up a deep desire for more in you for a purpose. Keep up exactly what you’re doing by digging Into your relationship with Him deeper and He will provide ALL that you need.
    “Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33
    “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.” Psalm 37:4

  • Reply
    Love, Jimmie
    May 13, 2015 at 4:46 pm

    Oh, girl. I know of what you speak. I’ve written about it, too, and talked about it and prayed over it and looked at myself to see what I do wrong. I try to blame men. I lose respect for them. And then I turn it around and do the same to me. I question God. I give Him everything and then take it back and then give it back again. It’s a big old whirlwind.

    What scares me is when I just let the whirlwind pass over me and I stop paying attention to it. Then I truly feel like I’ve given up. Let’s not do that, okay? As a child of God, we are given the fruits of the Holy Spirit, and one of those fruits is perseverance. Don’t give up your hope, ever. I won’t either.

    Much love to you, stranger. I wish you all the best.

  • Reply
    sunny
    May 13, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    I so appreciate your honesty here. Every time I open an email from you to read your words, I know it’s going to be your truth of what you’re going through..and this time you included an honest prayer.

    I pray many of the same things, and in my heart I know God has a plan for me and that it’s to be in His timing. I’ve felt his protection over me from many of the wrong men. Yet the loneliness still sets in.

    One thing that helps my logical mind make sense of this timing (or lack of timing!), is remembering my friend Jay. When he was 25 he wanted to get married and really prayed for a wife. When he was 30 he met the woman he’d marry, and she was 21 to his 30. So when he was 25 and really wanting a wife, his future wife was only 16 and nowhere near ready for marriage. From Jay’s situation, I observed that there was nothing Jay did wrong. God needed time to prepare Jay’s wife to meet him. I hope that’s the case for you and for me – that God has a timing He can see that we cannot.

    Lately I’ve been praying for hope and God has been providing that hope! 🙂 I’ll pray for hope for you too….. 🙂

  • Reply
    Nicole
    May 13, 2015 at 11:25 pm

    I know you have a beautiful voice. I know you like to sing ..an artist who speaks to me is misty Edwards… you tube it please.. my soul cries…. and light of your face… another that helps me is tenth avenue north…. empty my hands. .sooooo good Kenlie!! At least music is better when you’re struggling ( for me anyway!!)

  • Reply
    Christina@LoveYourselfHealthy
    May 14, 2015 at 10:02 am

    You will get through this season–and like a commenter above said, God knows exactly who your husband will be, but for whatever reason it’s just not time yet. You mentioned looking forward to having more alone time–so take some time just for yourself, practice some self-care–if you want to go home after work and read a good book, do it! Go to a movie by yourself, sit in a comfy chair at Starbucks and read or people watch (the one on Harrison has the best patio!)… and for the record, your being lonely is NOT pathetic. It’s exactly as you said–it’s human, and there’s no shame in that.

  • Reply
    Noxie
    May 14, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    thank you for being so honest and open….your blogs help me beyond measure. God Bless

  • Reply
    Marjorie Hansen
    May 19, 2015 at 1:25 am

    You WILL get through this! You’ll find a great guy. When you’re not looking for it. I swear, that’s how it happened to me. I quit looking (actually, let’s call it what it really was..I gave up) and it happened. Now, I can say this because I’m hella older than you (47) but keep having the faith that it will happen. Who knows when? Maybe in two months, two years or 5 years…who knows? Just keep on keeping on..that’s what you have to do.

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