Love and Loss, Or Something Like That

I’ve been pretty quiet about the fact that I’ve been seeing someone. I met him at the beginning of the year, and I allowed our relationship to grow offline for several reasons – the most significant being that it’s easier to develop something when others aren’t constantly inserting their opinions.

He’s handsome, easy to talk to and loves (our) Starbucks as much as I do. He’s older than I am, even-keeled and patient. He told me that he loved me before I was willing to say it, but I’m in love with him too. He has made significant efforts to show me, and I’ve never felt so emotionally and physically connected to someone at the same time.

He has spent the last several months making me feel special and beautiful. When he looks at me his face lights up and his serious demeanor is immediately overcome by an easy smile every single time he lays eyes on me. He loves my voice too (even when I sing gut-wrenching love songs about heartbreak after an argument, which only happened once, for the record. ha) I adore the way he says my name and his drive to succeed in everything he does…and his perfect hair.

He has helped me let go of some major insecurities that I’ve been clinging to since I left New York. He has been a healthy influence on me physically, and his patience and empathetic attitude helped me rebuild some of the self-esteem that I lost.

It has been clear to me that he desires me since the first time he said it, and my feelings for him have been equally strong. I crave him in every sense. I never tire of kissing him, but I can talk to him for hours too.

He’s dreamy and affectionate, and as I type a tear is streaming down my face because I broke it off with him a couple of nights ago. It wasn’t an impulse decision. I thought about it overnight before I did it, but I miss him. The hardest part for me right now is that I felt like I was finally in love with someone who loved me back and still don’t get to have that.

I realize that I’m not a helpless victim in this situation; I’m the one who ended it. I didn’t end it to play a game with him. I ended it because he (unintentionally) crushed my feelings Tuesday. I did it because it was the right thing to do, but I’m struggling tonight because it seems to have been so easy for him to let go.

He was in a lot of (physical) pain the night I told him that it wasn’t going to work out, and I thought it might be easier because he wouldn’t be focusing on me. I’m guessing that he’s better by now, but he hasn’t called. I didn’t see him at our coffee shop today either because I was there earlier than usual for a private tasting (which was awesome.) I don’t even know if he went there at all.

Ending a relationship can be confusing, at least for me. When we last spoke he said that he was hurt, and he also said he would respect my decision. Now he’s doing that, and I feel rejected. The man, who is emotionally stable, respectful and habitual is doing exactly what I asked him to do while I am wishing he’d do the opposite.

I realize how ridiculously girly and immature it sounds, but it’s true. I want to think that he misses me and that he won’t accept it so easily, but I also realize that he was not happy with my thoughts when I shared them. (Okay, he was pissed…partly because of my feelings, but largely because he had already had such a crummy day before I dropped that on him.)

I realize that doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but it’s still right. I just wish he was right for me, and I wish he’d show up at my door to prove it before hugging me and kissing my eye lids as he often did.

Tonight as I sit in bed writing about my feelings I can’t shake thoughts of him – the way it feels when he wraps his arms around me, the way he breathes when he’s falling asleep, the way he sounds so incredibly upbeat when he calls to say good morning on the way to work during the 7 o’clock hour, the way he takes charge while making me feel safe and adored…I miss him.

It’s hard to realize that my phone won’t ring in the morning, but I’m going to focus on all of the reasons I have to be happy and thankful. (There are many.) I don’t know what the future holds, but I’d like to trust that something good is on the horizon.

You Might Also Like

28 Comments

  • Reply
    Kath
    July 31, 2015 at 10:54 am

    I am praying for you xx

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 31, 2015 at 3:43 pm

      Thanks, Kath!

      0
    • Reply
      lisa
      August 1, 2015 at 3:53 pm

      youre my first- never replied to a blog before and I’m probably posting in the wrong place but here goes: you inspire me. My own middle age and menopause hit with a vengeance and I’m now 80 lbs overweight at least. I can’t get that scale to move. After reading your FB post I’m running at it ( or hobbling with my cane) again, this time with inspiration that I’m not alone and consistency may just work. Thank you for sharing your journey.

      0
      • Reply
        Kenlie
        August 1, 2015 at 7:14 pm

        You are absolutely NOT ALONE in this…Thank you for being here!

        0
  • Reply
    stelly68
    July 31, 2015 at 11:02 am

    brave and honest and love & hugs to you right now.

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 31, 2015 at 3:44 pm

      Thanks, E! I appreciate that more than you know!

      0
  • Reply
    Ellen
    July 31, 2015 at 11:08 am

    Sometimes those soul ties need to be broken and it is good wisdom. That was taking heed and doing right by you both.
    Our souls do long and it takes more to sever those familiar desires that can get us sucked into a wrong agreement or wrong relation.
    You are precious and valuable.
    Appreciate how you can express yourself and being objective. Rare quality.
    Have a good one.
    Ellen

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 31, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      I’ve definitely learned to express my feelings, but I did not do that well with him this week. Maybe I’ll try next week.

      0
  • Reply
    Kelly @ You Blog Like A Mom
    July 31, 2015 at 11:57 am

    I just read your guest blog article on Sparkpeople and followed the link to your blog here. I love it! New subscriber here! Best of luck to you. The right one finds us when we aren’t even looking. Trust in that. 🙂

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 31, 2015 at 3:46 pm

      I definitely wasn’t looking for that man, but I’m glad he found me. I’m not as sad today because I’ve changed my focus to better things.

      Welcome…Thanks for stopping by!

      0
  • Reply
    Ann
    July 31, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    Sending hugs and prayers of comfort that it all works out for the best…

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      July 31, 2015 at 3:46 pm

      I woke up feeling much more comforted today than I have in the last few days. It’s a long road, but I’m doing okay. Thank you, Ann!

      0
  • Reply
    Nicole
    July 31, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    Hi Kenlie- I just recently started following your blog which I ran across when I joined Sparkpeople. I think you are a real inspiration to people everywhere struggling with weight and self-esteem issues and I have enjoyed reading your blog entries over the last several days. Thank you for sharing such personal pieces of yourself with the world-I think you are very brave. That said, I feel a prompting to say something about your most recent post. I know I don’t “know” you, and really it is none of my business, but I have tried to walk away from the computer several times, and keep coming back due to this nagging inside me that I needed to say this-maybe it’s the mother in me I don’t know. So forgive me in advance for being a total stranger invading your privacy, but here goes: I read your post about the man you have been seeing. It talks about what a wonderful person he is, how supportive he has been, how he makes you feel beautiful, he loves you and you love him-it was lovely. But then I got the the last part….aaaaand I just broke up with him. Honey, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been in a lot of relationships and the kind of love you just described doesn’t fall out of the sky every January. It is hard to find, impossible even, and barring the fact that he had recently started beating you, was some kind of criminal, or you left ur some other glaring piece of information that made him wrong for you, I need to tell you, GO FIND HIM, TELL HIM YOU WERE WRONG, AND BEG HIM FOR ANOTHER CHANCE! Having loved and lost far too many times, it is heartbreaking to watch someone else make the same mistakes I have made. Love IS all you need. It really is.

    0
  • Reply
    Kenlie
    July 31, 2015 at 8:27 pm

    He didn’t do anything that horrible, and after thinking through my feelings I think I’d like to explain to him why I felt so hurt. I’m not sure if he’d talk to me or not, but I think he probably would. I’ll let it rest over the weekend, but I do hope to have a conversation with him Monday or soon..

    0
    • Reply
      Erin
      August 1, 2015 at 10:04 am

      Thank you for sharing your story with us. I agree with Nicole. He sounds like an incredible guy, and sometimes women like us who are not used to someone loving us unconditionally tend to push people away. I’ve been told many times by men that they cannot read minds. Share with him your feelings so he knows how his comment made you feel. Don’t let go of someone who loves you and who made a small mistake. Good luck to you!

      0
      • Reply
        Kenlie
        August 2, 2015 at 2:17 am

        I’ve pushed men away in the past, but I know I am worthy of love now. I think he wants to love me, but that’s not enough right now. I probably should have explained more to avoid confusion, but I tried to protect our privacy even though I needed to share my feelings.

        0
  • Reply
    Kathy
    August 1, 2015 at 12:23 am

    Love your Blog! Just started following you. Just three words of advice from a stranger: Go.Get.Him!!

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 2, 2015 at 2:15 am

      Hi and welcome, Kathy. I’m honestly not even sure if he’d talk to me, and I’m not sure what I’d say. Maybe time will make it easier to figure out.

      0
  • Reply
    Summer
    August 1, 2015 at 1:11 am

    Go with your gut on this. I’ve ignored warning signs in past relationships. I could have avoided a ton of pain and frustration. Please don’t make the same mistakes I have made. Don’t try to rationalize something that was hurtful to you. He did it once. He will do it again.

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 2, 2015 at 2:14 am

      It’s a situation that caused the issue. I suppose I should have been more clear about it. He didn’t intentionally hurt me, but that doesn’t change reality.

      0
  • Reply
    Steelers6
    August 1, 2015 at 1:25 am

    Aw, Sweets. I hope writing this out was cathartic.
    I’m really sorry there was such a big, icky hurt feelings thing. 🙁
    Have a peaceful weekend. Chrissy

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 2, 2015 at 2:12 am

      It wasn’t anything horrible in the grand scheme of things. I just realized that I needed to make a change that I did not want to make. I’m okay.

      0
  • Reply
    Laurel
    August 1, 2015 at 1:46 am

    I Agree with Nicole. Relationships should not be hard work, but it sounds like you had a disagreement and you bailed. If he is as wonderful as you described, then see if you can work it out. Yes, it feels very vulnerable to let someone know they’ve hurt you. In a long term relationship (I’ve been married 20 years) there will be times when hurtful things get said. If it’s a regular pattern, or done intentionally, then you were right to end it. If it wasn’t intentional, maybe you need to talk it out some more. Only you know the whole story about your relationship, but you took the time to write several paragraphs about how wonderful he was, and very little about how he was so awful you had to end it. It’s important to trust your gut feeling, but sometimes it’s also helpful to look at your own issues that may derail a relationship. It must be strange to have a complete stranger give you advice!!! I wish you well and you deserve someone who adores you!

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 2, 2015 at 2:20 am

      I didn’t explain in as much detail as I need to in order to reflect the gravity of the issue, but it’s a big deal. I’ll probably talk about it with him at some point, but I didn’t bail on a good thing because of a disagreement. I wish it were that simple so it could be easily fixable.

      0
  • Reply
    David
    August 3, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    Thinking of you and proud of you for being so honest.

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      August 4, 2015 at 11:33 pm

      Thank you, my wonderfully sweet and supportive friend. ❤️

      0
  • Reply
    Jamie
    August 3, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    I found myself a little confused as well when you made this fella sound like Prince Charming then added that you felt you had to walk away from the relationship. I see your replies to other commenters so I know there is more to the story. I have been reading your blog for a few years. I appreciate how open you are about your struggles and I love that you have put Jesus at the forefront of your life. It is awesome to witness here. I have been in several relationships before that I knew, deep-down, weren’t right for me. I am on marriage number 3. It will be my last and I plan to spend the rest of my life with the wonderful husband I have now. I suppose no one would want to take relationship advice from me! LOL! But I do want to mention that every relationship has ups and downs. Every man, no matter how many details they match up to on your list of Mr. Right, will say something wrong. They will hurt you intentionally and unintentionally. It just happens and it doesn’t mean the relationship has to be over. It just means that communication needs to happen and if you are both willing to adapt for the betterment of the relationship, then things are good. Every good relationship has bad moments and sometimes those moments last longer than we want them to. It is part of being flawed human beings. If we can take those harder times and learn something about ourselves from them, then it becomes a good thing. I hope all of this turns out the way God intends for you. And thank you for your honest, real, and inspiring blog!

    0
  • Reply
    The Night Before Life Goes On |
    October 6, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    […] months ago I wrote a post about the man who held my heart. I talked about the love and affection that he lavished on me, and […]

    0
  • Leave a Reply

    %d bloggers like this: