Ask the Questions, and I’ll Give the Answers When I’m Ready

Over the last several months I’ve been asked why I blog and why I share my life so openly through social media, and I’ve been reflecting on those questions and my answers.

First, I think it’s important to note that I don’t say nearly as much as I used to online. I’ve been writing here for nearly 7 years. I stopped sharing as much as I used to for a few reasons:

  • Sometimes sharing my feelings isn’t worth opening myself up to criticism from strangers
  • When I got involved in a loving and accepting faith community I no longer felt as compelled to seek out virtual support because I could just get a hug from a friend if I needed one
  • I no longer need the constant validation that I once got from pouring out my feelings here
  • There are folks in the blogosphere who constantly yammer on about tolerance, yet they’re harsh when they come here to spew their intolerant nonsense
  • I stopped losing weight and started gaining instead, which made me feel like a piece of crap who doesn’t deserve to blog here anymore
  • Sometimes I don’t want people to think I’m struggling even though I am, and that’s where it gets dangerous for me

As a result of changes, personal growth and let’s be honest, embarrassment, I don’t share as much as I once did, but I’m still relatively open about my life because I don’t want to revert back to my old habits. And there are some pretty specific reasons for that too.

  • When I bottle up my feelings they eventually explode into an emotional mess.
  • It is very easy for me to let pride take over, and when that happens I don’t let anyone in.
  • Often times when I stop writing I turn to food
  • It’s much more cathartic to write here than it is to day dream about punching people in the throat. (Okay, I’m kidding…I don’t actually want to throat punch anyone, at least most of the time.)
  • it allows me to release my feelings, look at them in black and white and recognize that it’s not as bad as it seems.

Blogging may not be for everyone, but sometimes it helps me. On days like today, when my heart feels shattered by the harshness of reality, I come here because at one point there were people ready to remind me that I’m okay.

I know God loves me, and I wish I had the patience to wait on Him to heal my heart. Ultimately, that’s what I’ll do, but I’m not going to pretend I’m okay on days in which I’m not okay. And today, I’m not okay.

I could use a hug from friends and family, but I’m not with them. Instead I’m sitting in a hotel room alone, lamenting the fact that there’s no one here to hug me and kiss away my tears.

I’m worn out, and I’m hanging on to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Until then…

 

 

 

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13 Comments

  • Reply
    Nicole
    September 23, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    Well, I for one have missed reading your insights and opinions. You make me realize that I am not alone in my struggles, which doesn’t benefit you, but hopefully will come back to you in karma points! Don’t stop writing because of the jerks. Your life story is helping people (I’m sure I’m not the only one), and we all get what it feels like to slip and fall and how hard it is to get back up. I don’t even know you and I think you are amazing-you CAN do this. I have this Andy Warhol quote on my Facebook wall and I love it-“IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW SLOWLY YOU GO-AS LONG AS YOU DON’T STOP!” Baby steps are still steps in the right direction.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 24, 2015 at 12:42 pm

      Nicole –

      Your last two sentences are *precisely why blogging is so important to me.* THANK YOU.

  • Reply
    thursdayswithtoni
    September 23, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    hey, kenlie!!!!! your honesty is so refreshing; my heart is with you as you ride this wave. now, the fact that there will be an end to this wave may not have any affect on the “sea sickness” you are feeling now, may the horizon just beyond your reach reassure you that in fact you will get there. blessings! toni

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 24, 2015 at 12:44 pm

      Toni –

      I thought of you all weekend while I was in Oklahoma. I wasn’t close enough to reach out, but I’m so thankful that you took a moment to reach out here. I appreciate you, and I’m so thankful that God put you in my life when I was a child. <3

  • Reply
    maria in nj
    September 23, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    Are you OK? You sound so sad…I am here for you if you need to talk, I mean that…

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 24, 2015 at 12:44 pm

      Thanks, Maria. I’m not great today, but I do trust that I’ll be okay soon. Thank you so much for your offer to talk. I know you, and I know it’s sincere. You’re too sweet.

  • Reply
    kathiej1
    September 23, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    tranquilityroad@gmail.com

    you know me as Kathie on fb ( i was on there)

    email if you need a chat

    Praying you will feel Gods arms around you …. I know how hard it is to wait on the Lord

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      September 24, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      Thank you, Kathie. I appreciate the prayers, and they’re definitely what I need most now. I need some peace and direction, particularly in the next phase of my work life.

  • Reply
    Carrie
    September 26, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    Hi Kenlie,

    I was looking for inspiring weight loss blogs this morning and found yours on a list of “the best.” And yours really is wonderful! I love your honesty. There are a couple of things I wanted to say. First of all, I so admire you for sticking with your blog for 7 years! What an accomplishment! Think of the inspiration you’ve given so many people. I understand that there are people who have hurt you with their comments. I do know how painful that can be. But remember, Kenlie, people like that are unhappy and they lash out at others because of their own pain. Delete them from your life. Concentrate on the people who appreciate you and offer positivity to your life. Surround yourself with love.

    The other thing I wanted to say is this. I am 65 years old. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in my life. I’ve lost people I loved. Gone through serious illness of one of my children. And lost almost 100 pounds….and then gained it back. I am back with Weight Watchers for the zillionth time, but I’ve learned that everyone has ups and downs. I do the best I can each and every day. Before I go to bed at night, I ask myself two questions that I learned to ask in a Tai Chi class. !. What did I learn today? 2. What did I contribute today? In the morning I ask myself four questions. 1. What am I happy about today 2. What am I grateful for today. 3. What am I excited about today? and 4) What am I proud of today? Sometimes I have to really search for answers, but I never give up until I find them. I tell you this because it is clear to me that you are a strong, good, kind person. Every day is an education. Learn from all of your ups and downs, and use them to become stronger….and to help you find your direction in life.

    You’ve got this, Kenlie. I know you do.

    Hugs,
    Carrie

  • Reply
    vickileetea
    September 26, 2015 at 1:03 pm

    Hey I am a new follower and looking forward to your blog. I hope that God helps you and comforts you to make the right choices for your blog.

  • Reply
    Charity
    September 27, 2015 at 8:41 pm

    I have read your blog for a while, and I think this is my very favorite post. It is so true, so real, and I relate to it so much. <3 to you

  • Reply
    Valerie Rausch
    October 4, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Check out Raymond Cool at http://www.raymondcool.com and at http://www.threehundredpoundsofjoy.blogspot.com He is another person I have run across who has lost an incredible amount of weight. I know he has had times that he has struggled…he lost 300 lbs! I am sure he would love to connect with you

  • Reply
    LJ
    October 5, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    I just read your blog on Sparkpeople from 2011 and was so inspired. I’m sorry you’re going through some discouragement right now. Blessings

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