Harsh Reality and A Warning

When I was at my heaviest I started having issues with my feet, and for a period of a few months I was seeing a podiatrist to get cortisone injections on my heels. It hurt so much to walk that I struggled to do little things like shop at big stores, walk out to my car in the snow, etc.

When my niece was born in 2009 I flew to Colorado and cried for hours when I arrived because my feet were so swollen that I couldn’t put on any of my shoes to go and see my family at the hospital. Even my big pair of Uggs, which I bought a size bigger than usual, was too tight to put on.

The pain was intense, and at that point I had lost about 12 pounds. I felt hopeful, but I also felt terrified. I knew that I didn’t want to live that way, and over the next few years I worked to change it.

It only took about 2 months of consistent weight-loss to make me realize that I no longer felt any pain in my feet. In fact, the constant ache was replaced by a spring in my step. I started feeling great, and life got much easier and more enjoyable at that point.

The sad, embarrassing and scary truth is that as I was rehearsing to lead worship at church today I felt pain in my heel. It was mild, and by no means did it keep me from running around all day. But it still hurts tonight.

I’m not at my heaviest weight now, but I’m close enough that it scares to think about how easy it would be to get there. I’ve gained so much weight over the last 2 years, and I don’t like it.

I’ve experienced feelings of failure and defeat, but I also realize that control is within my reach whenever I’m ready to grab it.

My habits were better in September than they’ve been in a long time, but after some emotional turmoil and stress I felt myself slipping again.

I never want to step on the scale and see the number I saw the first time I walked into Weight Watchers, which means I need to get serious. I’m committed to counting calories, and I need to work out at least 3 – 4 times a week.

I don’t want to be who I was before. I didn’t like her very much because she loathed herself too much to try. She gave up easily until she realized she was worth fighting for.

I’m worth fighting for, and I’m going to spend the next month obnoxiously posting about my workouts, food intake and everything else that I usually post about on Instagram.

It’s ridiculous to start over again and again, but it’s better than not trying. There are some cool things on the horizon, and it’s time to make sure that I’m healthy and happy enough to enjoy it.

Is anyone else struggling with weight, self-control, etc? Do you have a plan to change it? Are you succeeding? If so, what are you doing to see progress?

 

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15 Comments

  • Reply
    Kath
    October 18, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    Here whenever you want to chat
    I understand
    Know I am praying for
    I will be watching out for the posts and instagrams
    Xx

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    • Reply
      Tanya
      October 19, 2015 at 1:26 am

      I’ve been struggling since September too. Lost track of eating right and haven’t worked out enough. Desperately trying to get on track! Hope we can both turn it around!!

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  • Reply
    Diane
    October 18, 2015 at 11:12 pm

    God’s perfect timing. I don’t believe in coincidence. Yes, I too have been struggling. Stopped going to my meetings and exercising and starting gaining.
    My goal is to return to a meeting this week. Lol I actually have planned to go to one out of the area. I do not want to see the women at the weigh in I normally would. And I am going to stop a habit of nighttime eating ( at least make a healthier choice when I do). And I am headed to the gym at least 3- 4 times this week.
    Taking the small steps to get to the longer goal.
    And yes I am worth it!!

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    • Reply
      MamaJesse
      October 19, 2015 at 10:57 am

      An older friend of mine wisely reminded me that this is a lifetime journey. Be kind to yourself. No negative self-talk. No need to punish yourself for unintentional cravings or “lazy” impulses to skip exercise. Allow the thoughts to just “be”, and accept that they are there. Wait ten minutes before giving in (if you must). Then forgive yourself and move on. I’m definitely working on the mental game, too.

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  • Reply
    Pam
    October 18, 2015 at 11:12 pm

    Kenlie..It is NEVER ridiculous to start over again. What would be ridiculous would be not caring enough to start over again! You have too much going for you to ever do that. I am 60 years old and recently started over for the last time. I finally get that for ME the absence of sugar= peace and peace= success. HOWEVER, it took me 26 years to accept something that someone cared enough to tell me that long ago! I hope you find peace too. Search your heart, ask God’s guidance..you will know what is right for you to do for you. Good luck. Pam

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  • Reply
    Karen
    October 18, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    You know what I recommend to my friends who are losing? It’s a rad, super positive podcast- half size me. It’s super motivating, accepting and has a ton of tips. A great book is ‘ it was me all along’. She also blogs at ‘ can you stay for dinner’. Also my fitness pal is a great app! I hope this helps! Good luck on your journey!

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  • Reply
    Reva
    October 19, 2015 at 7:07 am

    I do understand and I’ve been there too. Right now I’m trying to make small goals (thinking of the total amount I need to lose is depressing). I go for the 0’s – every time I break through another 0 it’s a big win. 10 pounds still sounds like a big number to me but it doesn’t seem impossible. Sending you positive thoughts.

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  • Reply
    MamaJesse
    October 19, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Yes, I am definitely struggling. I lost 85 lbs after gastric bypass in 2014. My goal was 150 lost. I’ve gained back 30 of that. This week I’m working on #1=only eating at work what I’ve brought in my lunch bag. #2= drinking 100oz of water. #3=making it to two support meetings (OA or Weight Watchers – both great resources). One day at a time. Best of luck to you!

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  • Reply
    Susan
    October 19, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    I too have the same problem with my feet. As I got heavier I got plantar fasciitis which I have now had for 7+ years. It is hard to work out when you have foot pain. But the podiatrist I was seeing said that if I could lose even 5 pounds that would make a huge difference to my feet. I’ve had weight problems all my life and I’ve been struggling all my life. After this last issue with my feet (I was receiving shock-wave therapy in my heel because everything else I have tried has not worked) I decided to spend the money and get a personal trainer. Now I am accountable to him for my eating and he makes me work out hard when I see him. He is aware of my foot problems (and other injuries I’ve acquired over the years), so he is careful with me. I haven’t lost a huge amount of weight (I just started this early September of this year) but I have made huge strides in changing my eating and honestly I do feel better. My foot bothers me from time to time, but having the personal trainer to answer to gives me hope. You may not be able to do that, but every little bit helps. Every bit adds up. Every little thing you do for yourself (and against yourself) adds up. So try to keep focused on the positive things you are doing for yourself and don’t see it as a short-term goal. This is not a sprint we are in, we are in a marathon! This is a long-term challenge, but with support and help, you can make it! I hope this has encouraged you in some way. I hope that you keep trying and don’t give up!

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    • Reply
      MamaJesse
      October 19, 2015 at 3:05 pm

      I had plantar fascitis before my surgery. The only shoes I could put on my foot without pain were the CrocsRX Relief clogs.

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  • Reply
    Michele
    October 19, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    Oh, Kenlie. If anyone can identify it’s me. A year and 1/2 ago I had the worst routine physical in my life. My metabolic numbers were so horrible that my doctor said she would give me 4 months to get my act together or she was going to have no choice but to officially diagnose me with diabetes. And I was having such trouble walking that even the most basic of home care tasks was nearly impossible. I know I was about 10 lbs away from not being able to walk. So I got serious about Weight Watchers, again — I’ve been a member on and off since I was 14, and have since lost just over 75 lbs and am still actively working at it. I know you can do it and were here to support you in any way we can.

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  • Reply
    Linda J
    October 19, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    Hey Kenlie, check out the BBC special on types of overeaters. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p02ddsd9

    Studies show people eat too much because they’re ‘feasters’ can’t stop when they start, ’emotional eaters’ eat when they’re experiencing high emotion, or food obsessed eaters – they see temptation wherever they go.

    Depending on your triggers, they provide some strategies, ie more soup and fluid for feasters, support group for the emotional eaters etc

    Made quite a bit of sense (I’m a feaster!)

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  • Reply
    Mike
    October 20, 2015 at 5:40 am

    Kenlie, I’m proud to hear that are making the decision to change. It takes great tenacity and strength to be able to do so. I am DEFINITELY struggling when it comes to weight loss. But I keep trying and trying, no matter the challenge.
    And thank you for being a great inspiration! You can do this!
    Sorry my reply is short; limited time here. Hope to say more later.

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  • Reply
    Roxanne
    October 21, 2015 at 3:00 am

    I admire your courage to start again. These failures are okay, it’s part of who we are and a lesson for us to stand up again. I am rooting you will be successful with this!

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  • Reply
    Shannon
    October 22, 2015 at 9:26 am

    I am CONSTANTLY in start over mode. I do really well for a few weeks and then once I miss a workout (or 2) it becomes 3,4,…

    We have started low carbing at our house. Not NO carbs, but low…cut all the refined carbs that are mostly sugar and I have seen the difference both on the scale and off…but it is hard finding the energy to workout after a full day of work and running the kids around. Most nights I fall asleep with my 6 year old at 9:00.

    Just remember that you are not alone in this! We are all in this cycle at some point or another, and the beauty of cyber space is that we can be here to support one another!!!

    Here’s to starting over!! 🙂

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