Exercise Lifestyle Reflection weight loss

When He Brings Up Your Weight

The last few days have been incredibly busy for me, but I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Sharing the number on the scale was embarrassing for a moment, then it became freeing. I don’t want to want my life to revolve around the numbers on the scale, but I don’t want to hide from them either.

After the conversation I had with that guy (you know the one) earlier this week, I did a lot more reflecting, meal prepping and exercising. That man is not the man for me. He’s much older than I am and more selfish than I am, but there are moments in which it feels like he cares for me deeply.

When I was sick came to my place so we could take a nap while coughing all over him, and when  he learned that my tire was flat last week he dropped everything at work to come and repair it for me.

He’s a nice man who spent months showing me that he adored me and desired me the way I am, so when he wanted to talk about my weight as we drank coffee the other day I was willing.

C: I just got a text from Walgreens saying that my prescription is ready. Do you get texts when yours are ready? (He’s in great shape, but he’s a diabetic.)

K: You know I don’t take any…

C: Well, yes. You will probably need to someday if you don’t change some habits. 

K: Uh…

C: I’m just saying that your eating habits aren’t exactly great, you know? Maybe it would be a good idea to make some changes now instead of when you’re forced to. 

K: Dude, I’ve lost so much, gained some back, etc. 

We paused to discuss some private stuff regarding my initial weight gain, then resumed our conversation. 

C: I don’t want to talk about that right now. (He already knows my history.) I want to talk about what we could do today. 

K: Yeah, I mean…it’s something I have to do, and it’s really frustrating that I let myself go backwards for so long. 

C: What can I do to help?

K: Not a thing.

C: You have to do this for yourself…not for me or anyone else. 

K: Oh, believe me…I know. It’s frustrating to think that you’d want me more if I were skinnier, but…

C: I’ve already proven my desire for you, Kenlie. You just need to make some changes. People already love you how you are. 

K: Yeah, I know. I did really well during the time period in which we were eating lunch together everyday. 

C: You need to make a schedule. 

K: I know. 

C: You don’t have to worry about everything. Just worry about what you’re doing to do today and tomorrow.

K: That’s far less overwhelming.

C: I wish we were the only two people in the world. I mean, in our world, so we could decide together that we’re going to start. Imagine how different things would be in a year. Instead we have to be careful not to end up giving each other a shot or something. 

K: Well, we know that’s not going to happen (referring to him being around for all of that.)

C: Oh, do you have a crystal ball?

K: Nope, just common sense.

C: You can’t predict the future, Kenlie.

K: Whatever. I’m going to work out now. 

It’s been an emotionally tough year for me. I mean, we constantly evolve as people, which means that some times are better than others. I just dealt with a few extended periods of stress that I’m not used to this year. I’ve also learned a lot about myself and experienced tremendous growth throughout this year.

I fought loneliness hard this year too, and it wasn’t until a few months ago that I began recognizing God as my source – for comfort, in my finances and in every other area. Yes, I knew He was there and that He loves me so much, but I have found so much strength in leaning on Him when I feel weak or lonely.

Food is connected to my emotions, and my emotions lie. They tell me that I can’t do this, or that I’d be more loved if I weren’t so fat. They say that I’m a failure because I have to try again, and they tell me that sitting at home next to my Christmas tree watching a Hallmark movie will be so much better if I have a calorie-laden hot chocolate…and cake or pie. They scream about how much easier it would be to do this is C was with me everyday to help me stick to it.

I have overcome some major obstacles in my life, and sometimes I surprise myself with cool things that I do or opportunities that arise. (Have I mentioned that I work for a gym now? I still have my regular clients, but seriously…I work at a gym.)

I know that I can do this, and I know that I have to take little steps to establish consistency and create a routine. I know that I don’t need that man in my kitchen everyday to succeed. I know that all I need is a little more gumption and to make my food intake a much higher priority than it has been.

Being skinny is not something that I find particularly appealing. Wait, that is an absolute lie. It would be awesome to be tiny, but what I want more than anything now (regarding my health) is to be in control of my body and intake. I just want to get back into the 280’s, a point in which I felt unstoppable.

I started by making a few healthy meals so it would be convenient to eat something healthy and delicious, and that’s working. I’m going to update my exercise log once in a while too. I’ll write it down and report it here (even if I’m the only one seeing it.)

My big goal right now is to plan what I’m going to eat today and tomorrow. I’ll deal with the rest as it happens. (I think rotisserie chicken is going to be my new favorite for a while. Yum.)

Is anyone else reading this and starting over? Have you already started over? If so, I’d like to hear what you’re doing.

 

 

 

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15 Comments

  • Reply
    tanya
    December 9, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    I am ready to start over. I lost 105 pounds and got down to my goal weight a couple years ago. I’ve since gained it all back. I feel so uncomfortable. At the end of the day, I feel like I’ve got nothing left, but I can give 5-10 minutes (at least to start).

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      December 10, 2015 at 1:39 am

      It’s so easy to look back and wonder what led us to do that, but we just have to try again. We are worth the effort it takes to start over as many times as it takes.

  • Reply
    Cheryl
    December 9, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    Hi, I read your blog but may not have commented before. I’ve lost and regained 100+ lbs three times now. The last time I was less than 2 lbs from onederland. I began again a year ago Nov 11th so tomorrow I will have finished 13 months on track. I’m sure that there’s nothing new that I can tell you about losing weight, eating healthy or exercise but I will tell you what is working for me this time.

    I am staying away from sweets, junk food and fast food. I am not completely sugar free because I still eat ketchup occasionally and occasionally I have a glass of wine when out with friends. I’ve never tried staying away from sweets completely before, always believing and practicing moderation. The longest that worked before running into trouble was ten months. I don’t think I was ready to stay away from sweets previously but it has killed all those food thoughts and the appetite or urge to eat that was so difficult to deal with. This is working for me so I’m sticking with it. I’ve found it hard to come to an acceptance that this is the way it has to be for me but this time around I have accepted it and found out that the absence of sugar has left me with a “normal” appetite.

    Good luck on your journey.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      December 10, 2015 at 1:41 am

      There’s so much to learn throughout the process. I’d like to think that I could learn something from the past and pave a new future.

      Big congrats to you for making healthy changes! And thanks for commenting. It’s so nice to know that I’m not alone in this!

  • Reply
    Steelers6
    December 10, 2015 at 12:19 am

    I did not know you got a new job! At a gym. That’s great.
    I’m trying to steer clear of refined sugars/treats, & making an effort to work out or walk.
    It would be hard for me to have a guy friend discuss my weight/health like your text convo. Was that all ok with you?
    My best, Chrissy

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      December 10, 2015 at 1:17 am

      We discussed it in person, not over text. I should have been more clear about that.

      It’s not as simple as it sounds that I work at a gym…I’m doing work in an office inside the gym, but I get to exercise there anytime, encourage people to make healthy choices, etc. it’s a really good environment for me so far.

  • Reply
    Debbie Lopresti
    December 10, 2015 at 12:58 am

    I admire those of you who have been able to lose the weight in the first place. I have never been able to even do that. I need to lose about 130 pounds and I start, lose a little and give up. Good luck Kenlie in your new journey. I have been reading your blog for years.

    • Reply
      Kenlie
      December 10, 2015 at 1:42 am

      I lost about 130, which didn’t put me anywhere near a healthy goal point. It did make me feel like a trillion bucks though! Getting started is the hardest part for me now too.

      Like several have said here lately, we have to take one day at a time.

  • Reply
    Karen @ Not Just Celery
    December 10, 2015 at 9:39 am

    I have a problem with secret binge eating and wish I knew why sometimes I can go months without doing it and sometimes I succumb to the urge. Not starting in the first place seems to be a huge help in not getting caught up in that cycle but easier said than done. I’ve noticed that having a treat every day (ice cream for dessert or beer while watching the hockey/football/etc game are my favorites!) helps keep me in check. I know some people do better abstaining from sugar or junk all together but for me I find having a little something to look forward to every day keeps me from going off the deep end!

  • Reply
    Ann
    December 10, 2015 at 10:18 am

    I am starting over – or should I say – veering back in the path. I think of my weight loss journey as a path and sometimes I step backwards (gain weight) and other times I walk sideways (plateau and maintain0 and when I focus I move forward (lose weight). I think I am successful as long as I don’t stop trying to move forward. Over the past 19 years I have successfully lost over 150 pounds. I was down to my lowest weight in January last year and have since gained about 15 back. I am stopping myself and now an on track again and focused and moving forward.
    Kenlie – this was a little back pedal on the path for you and now you are again back on track! Be proud that you caught yourself and got re-focused! Once you hit your goal weight there will be something else to work on (I feel like when we stop bettering ourselves, we are done here! HA!) I am so happy you are back!

  • Reply
    Tracey
    December 10, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    I am definitely right there with you. I finally went to weigh in last night on the official scale (WW) and I was over my original start weight. I went to a different location, but my leader was there and she wiped my slat clean and I’m starting over. I am trying the new program. Some days you just have to focus on the small things and then the bigger goals will all come together.

  • Reply
    Corey
    December 10, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    I’m starting over, too. I lost 80lbs about 8 years ago. I’ve gained it all back. i am so glad that you’re back blogging! I found your blog last month (when I restarted my journey!). In total, I’d like to lose about 120, which seems so daunting. Like you said, one day at a time.

  • Reply
    Angela
    December 10, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    None of us are prefect, we make mistakes we choose foods that will not help us to get to our goal as fast as we would like sometimes. But as long as we keep trying we are headed in the right direction. Never give up.

  • Reply
    Vanessa
    December 13, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    I am there with you! I was just over 300 in 2010. Over the next two years I STRUGGLED to lose about 70 lbs. Since then I’ve been playing with a 10 lb on and off plateau that I just can’t seem to figure out. It seems so simple but yet so hard.
    I am a fitness junkie. I workout, 6-7 days a week, when I don’t I am miserable. I just need to get my food figured out. I still have another 70 lbs as a goal to lose but really should lose about 90 according to the charts.
    While I will never be able to afford a personal chef. . .I REALLY wish I had one!

  • Reply
    Becky
    January 10, 2016 at 10:27 pm

    I’ve lost the same 40 for the third time, then I get comfortable or stressed and i gain it back. I’m working now at getting past that point. I love reading your blog but never have posted either. There is so much to learn about ourselves to get through this weightloss crap. I just want to get it off and keep it off. you can do this you just have to believe in yourself

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