Right now I’m sitting in a hipster coffee shop drinking a latte that was so pretty that I didn’t want to touch it. They serve the biggest, most ridiculous doughnuts I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to some pretty ridiculous doughnut shops.
The lattes here are too delicious to express with words, and on this day of rest, I decided to indulge in (part of) a doughnut. They’re so big that if I tried to eat it all I’d probably end up at the emergency room, or maybe I’d just feel sick. I don’t intend to find out.
I spend a lot of time sharing my thoughts and ideas – on social media, here on the blog and in person with friends and family. I’m honest about my journey, struggles and victories, and it helps me keep track of where I’ve been and where I’m going. Being as open as I am also invites judgement, sometimes even from well-meaning people who just don’t have a clue.
I like food…sushi, cookies, lattes, etc. Sometimes I eat that stuff, and if I’m eating something pretty I’m probably going to post it on Instagram. I’m as open about that as I would be about posting a salad, which I often do. No one on earth needs to post food pictures, but I do like to do it.
As I was going to post the ridiculous, calorie-laden doughnut on IG I became hesitant because I knew I could face judgement if I did, then I decided to post it here. I can only eat a few bites of this doughnut, and the rest of the day I’ll focus on making sure that I get enough protein. It’s just too pretty and over-the-top not to share on social media.
The way I look at food has changed so much, but I still enjoy it…a lot. I like having a variety of options on my plate even though I can’t eat more than 5 or 6 bites throughout a meal. I still order my own entree most of the time. It helps that Michael isn’t picky because when I’m with him we often share, but I still buy more food than we need when I shop for groceries as well.
Meal prep helps me wrap my head around the amount of food I need to eat verses the amount my brain still wants to consume. I’ve learned a lot about self-control, kind of by force, because my body no longer allows me to overeat. When I eat more than I should it hurts. I’ve eaten too quickly a few times in the last several months, and when I did it hurt. I’ve never puked or passed out as a result like I’ve heard from others, but I felt enough discomfort that I knew I don’t want to do it again.
My body no longer allows me to mindlessly eat for comfort, which is awesome. I’m learning a lot about the emotional reaction I’ve always had to food as an adult, and I’m working on change it daily. I still have to eat though, and I don’t always feel like eating a salad or drinking a green juice. (Green juice is just so darn expensive!)
It’s hard to reconcile my need for food with my desire for food, but I’m starting to do it regularly. I straight up refuse to overeat now, at least on purpose. I’ve noticed that takes very little to satisfy my body’s need for food, and I’m diligently working on being okay with that.
Some days it’s a relief to realize that a couple ounce of chicken is enough to fuel me, but at other times I find myself wishing I could still be hungry just so I could keep eating. When the latter happens I have to remember that food isn’t a big deal in the way I felt for so long that it was. I focus on the gratitude and relief I feel knowing that I can eat whatever I want just not all at once.
I’m about 10 pounds away from being as light as I’ve ever been as an adult, and it feels good. I knew it would be hard, and it’s been harder than that. For me, the hard part isn’t counting calories or overthinking every bite; it’s learning to live without the dependence on food that I’ve always had.
I have a long way to go on this journey, and I’m still okay with never being skinny. I just want to continue working to have a healthy relationship with food.
Do you have a healthy relationship with food, or do you put more emphasis on it than you should?