Fat People Still Have To Eat, And Sometimes I Don’t Want Salad

Right now I’m sitting in a hipster coffee shop drinking a latte that was so pretty that I didn’t want to touch it. They serve the biggest, most ridiculous doughnuts I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to some pretty ridiculous doughnut shops.

The lattes here are too delicious to express with words, and on this day of rest, I decided to indulge in (part of) a doughnut. They’re so big that if I tried to eat it all I’d probably end up at the emergency room, or maybe I’d just feel sick. I don’t intend to find out.

I spend a lot of time sharing my thoughts and ideas – on social media, here on the blog and in person with friends and family. I’m honest about my journey, struggles and victories, and it helps me keep track of where I’ve been and where I’m going. Being as open as I am also invites judgement, sometimes even from well-meaning people who just don’t have a clue.

I like food…sushi, cookies, lattes, etc. Sometimes I eat that stuff, and if I’m eating something pretty I’m probably going to post it on Instagram. I’m as open about that as I would be about posting a salad, which I often do. No one on earth needs to post food pictures, but I do like to do it.

As I was going to post the ridiculous, calorie-laden doughnut on IG I became hesitant because I knew I could face judgement if I did, then I decided to post it here. I can only eat a few bites of this doughnut, and the rest of the day I’ll focus on making sure that I get enough protein. It’s just too pretty and over-the-top not to share on social media.

The way I look at food has changed so much, but I still enjoy it…a lot. I like having a variety of options on my plate even though I can’t eat more than 5 or 6 bites throughout a meal. I still order my own entree most of the time. It helps that Michael isn’t picky because when I’m with him we often share, but I still buy more food than we need when I shop for groceries as well.

Meal prep helps me wrap my head around the amount of food I need to eat verses the amount my brain still wants to consume. I’ve learned a lot about self-control, kind of by force, because my body no longer allows me to overeat. When I eat more than I should it hurts. I’ve eaten too quickly a few times in the last several months, and when I did it hurt. I’ve never puked or passed out as a result like I’ve heard from others, but I felt enough discomfort that I knew I don’t want to do it again.

My body no longer allows me to mindlessly eat for comfort, which is awesome. I’m learning a lot about the emotional reaction I’ve always had to food as an adult, and I’m working on change it daily. I still have to eat though, and I don’t always feel like eating a salad or drinking a green juice. (Green juice is just so darn expensive!)

It’s hard to reconcile my need for food with my desire for food, but I’m starting to do it regularly. I straight up refuse to overeat now, at least on purpose. I’ve noticed that takes very little to satisfy my body’s need for food, and I’m diligently working on being okay with that.

Some days it’s a relief to realize that a couple ounce of chicken is enough to fuel me, but at other times I find myself wishing I could still be hungry just so I could keep eating. When the latter happens I have to remember that food isn’t a big deal in the way I felt for so long that it was. I focus on the gratitude and relief I feel knowing that I can eat whatever I want just not all at once.

I’m about 10 pounds away from being as light as I’ve ever been as an adult, and it feels good. I knew it would be hard, and it’s been harder than that. For me, the hard part isn’t counting calories or overthinking every bite; it’s learning to live without the dependence on food that I’ve always had.

I have a long way to go on this journey, and I’m still okay with never being skinny. I just want to continue working to have a healthy relationship with food.

Do you have a healthy relationship with food, or do you put more emphasis on it than you should?

 

 

 

You Might Also Like

10 Comments

  • Reply
    Vickie
    May 25, 2017 at 8:57 am

    You made it sound like he is eating his entree and then eating the rest of your entree. Is that what you meant? And you talk about over buying groceries. Do you mind me asking what his weight has done since you started dating? Because that is a valid conversation point for most of us. What are we feeding ourselves, our family, especially our kids (for those that have them)? Our family of origin habits. Habits we are setting up for our families. (I see a lot of weight loss bloggers who are setting their kids up to repeat history.)

    0
    • Reply
      Kenlie
      May 25, 2017 at 11:59 pm

      We share, and most of the time we do not finish the entree. He’s very easy going and willing to share whatever I choose. That’s what I meant by that. He’s maintained a healthy weight the whole time I’ve known him, but it’s a struggle he’s quite familiar with.

      0
  • Reply
    FitandFreeEmily_RNY
    May 25, 2017 at 10:01 am

    These kind of honest posts are what I LOVE to read! Obviously I totally understand what you’re saying. 🙂

    It’s been a really weird, awesome, scary, bizarre, and painful process; letting go of how I used to behave. It was/is such a huge part of my identity for SO LONG. Here’s to embracing our true selves and learning (like you said) to really listen to our NEEDS, not our DESIRES.

    Keep up the hard work, friend!

    0
  • Reply
    Beverly
    May 25, 2017 at 11:00 am

    Love this blog post title! I agree with you ….I’m not a blogger and rarely post on social media (never about food), but I don’t know how bloggers handle the constant criticism and judgment from people who hide behind the wall of the internet. I applaud you and the others for it.

    I probably eat “healthy” 75% of the time. I’m good during the day at work – bringing a healthy breakfast and lunch, but dinnertime is a struggle (as I’m cooking for a big husband and two grown boys) and I won’t even get started on Friday night through Sunday night. I definitely do not have a healthy relationship with food on the weekends.

    Congrats on the upcoming wedding – you look amazingly happy!

    0
  • Reply
    Monique
    May 25, 2017 at 2:13 pm

    Rarely comment but feel like it today. I don’t always want to eat salad, but I know that as a person who has lost a significant amount of weight, my health is more important than eating donuts, cake, sugary coffee, rice, or other simple carbs/sugars. The only way for me to maintain my weight loss as well as my active lifestyle is to make consistently healthy choices. Special occasions, for me, are limited to family birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. A special occasion is not whenever I feel like it, or because the food looks very appetizing, or because the food looks really pretty. As soon as I start excusing poor food choices, I start falling back on bad habits and I have to retrain my brain (I’m 15+ years into maintaining a 70 lb. loss and I haven’t always been perfect, but I keep at it). Just my two cents. You do you.

    0
  • Reply
    sunny
    May 25, 2017 at 5:43 pm

    I’m glad you’re talking about this! I am not sure when this happened (years ago) but I let go of any awareness of what people think about what I’m buying or eating. Not sure when food lost control over me…oh wait…. I was eating homemade baked fries at home with a meal, and I didn’t want to eat everything on my plate but there were a few left. I had this image of fries magically being replenished on my plate over and over… I wondered, “If the fries were neverending, how would I know when I was done? ” The answer for me was to pay attention to when I was full. It carried over into all the food I eat.

    I occasionally realize that people see my size and then think that I am like someone you might see on TV who goes through a drive through daily and gets two burgers or eats an entire pizza in one sitting. or binge eats through junk food every single day. after all, my size says that’ should be the case.

    When what I really do is use food as fuel…and have a smoothie for breakfast, a clean eating lunch, one snack on days I’m starving at 3 PM, and then dinner between 6 and 8 PM. nothing after dinner. If I have junk food in the house – bought for friends or family – if they don’t take it with them to eat, then it sits in my cupboards until I have to throw it out. (my friends look at me like I’m crazy – who doesn’t eat junk food?)

    so sometimes I do want to tell the world – “I don’t eat what you might think I eat!” 🙂

    I think your doughnut looks AWESOME!!!

    uh…I am going to amend my answer. I do use food as a numbing agent. Realized that when I was feeling sad last week. I found myself wishing for something good to eat so I could feel numb.

    I don’t work out enough. My body responds so well to working out – like it’s been WAITING for me to move!

    You are an inspiration to me to keep moving!!!

    I marvel at how God created our bodies. If I do my part and eat less and move more, then the body knows how to take care of itself and knows where to take fat from and to redistribute it on my body. If I do my part, then the inches and pounds will begin to go away.

    I’m sorry that people feel the need to judge you when you are the most open and honest person I’ve encountered online!

    0
  • Reply
    Karen P
    May 27, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    I finally settled into a food template that helped me have my best health. Turns out abstaining from grains, most sugars, nuts and emulsifiers (guar gum and xantham gum) was what my genes and my gene expression required.

    Food is now fuel for my body and nutrients. I don’t need any “relationship” with food, just an optimal food template for the next year or so. Robb Wolf’s new book “Wired to Eat” makes some excellent points about this.

    Onward to your next steps.

    0
  • Reply
    pharmgirl
    May 28, 2017 at 8:14 pm

    Ok, so, I love Sunny. I nodded the entire time I read her comments – especially this one: “I don’t work out enough. My body responds so well to working out – like it’s been WAITING for me to move!” If you can step off your path eat a couple bites of donut and feel satisfied, that’s wonderful.
    Simple Carbs are my kryptonite. If I don’t eat none, I don’t want none. But, even a couple bites can send me into a skid.
    No one knows you better than you do.

    0
  • Reply
    Maryfran Clingan
    May 29, 2017 at 7:43 am

    I love where you are in your relationship with food. I am still trying to diminish my focus on food. It’s difficult but I’m working on it!!!!!!

    0
  • Reply
    mrsjmejones
    June 13, 2017 at 12:37 am

    I just want to say YES YES YES to this whole post! So much similarity here, sister! Keep up the great work and congrats on the nuptials!! ❤️

    0
  • Leave a Reply

    %d bloggers like this: