It’s been almost a year since I started actively losing weight, and I’ve lost over 100 pounds. I can honestly say that in some ways it was harder to lose 100 pounds this time than it was the time before.
Yes, I lost over 100 pounds, gained the majority back and lost over 100 pounds again.
Losing weight after gastric sleeve surgery was emotionally tough, and it brought about a lot of change in my life. It also brought out feelings of anger, and even though I expected it to shed light on the issues that caused my weight gain in the first place, it has taken months to start dealing with it.
I was angry for a few months after surgery, and if you followed my blog during that time, you may recall that I experienced feelings of disappointment. I couldn’t say, “Yes! It was definitely worth it.” I still can’t say that with complete confidence, but my life started getting easier when I started facing my emotions.
At this time last year I was on a liver-shrinking, liquids only diet, and food has not been the same since. I can’t eat my feelings anymore because if I did it would hurt.
I used to eat food when I felt happy or sad, and it’s still a struggle to stop and ask myself how I’m feeling and why I’m eating. I just can’t eat nearly as much now.
Sure, I can eat half of a pork soft taco and a few chips with salsa. (I do that more often than I probably should.) I can also eat about 1/3 cup of veggies, lentils and white beans and almost half of a chicken thigh (just not at the same time.)
I use small plates at home because the regular ones are too overwhelming to look at, and I’ve gotten pretty good at sharing meals with Michael when we go out because the two of us combined rarely finish one meal.
It has been a year of adjustments, facing my feelings and asking God to change my heart and the way that I look at food.
I haven’t experienced the success that I hoped I would, but I also know that I haven’t sacrificed as much as I could have to lose more than 120 pounds over the last year. If I had the option to do it again, I suppose would.
It was easier (emotionally) to lose weight the first time than it was after surgery, but the impact has been more significant this time because I’ve been forced to learn that my self-worth cannot and should not come from the scale. I also know that I’m not defined by my failures, or even my accomplishments.
I know that I’m a work in progress, not just in a physical sense, but also spiritually. I realize now that I’m a soul with a body, not a body with a soul. Someday my weight won’t matter, but my health will always be important while I’m walking on earth.
Living a life without chronic stress is important too, and I’m learning to be more content in everything. I know I need to exercise more than I have been, and it’s ridiculous that I have to drag myself up to start because a minute or two into my workout I’m so glad I started.
This journey is far from over, and even though I no longer want to be defined simply by my weight, it’s still a thing I need to keep dealing with. I’m aware of that, but I’m also thankful for how far I’ve come already.