Someone left a comment on my blog recently asking why I don’t admit that I have a problem with food, and while I think the comment was sincere, it was a bit misguided. I’ve been blogging here for almost 10 years, and there’s no way I’d go back and read all of my old posts. I definitely wouldn’t encourage anyone else to do it either, so it’s understandable that this reader may not know that I wrote about my problems with food regularly for years.
If you’re new here, or you’re just an occasional lurker, let me be clear about something. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I don’t like food in the mornings, so I tend to skip meals until late in the day. I drink coffee almost daily, but I drink it mid-morning, and I don’t drink enough water throughout the day.
I currently weigh around 300 pounds, which is over 100 pounds less than I weighed at my heaviest. I don’t exercise regularly, but I used to. I don’t binge eat, I don’t drink sodas, and I like evening snacks. I’m a good cook, though I prefer baking delicious cookies, making fudge, and sharing them with the people around me.
I have a tendency to love people with food, and I’m aware of it. I find it difficult to cook during the week because my schedule doesn’t allow me to be home at dinner time Monday through Thursdays. I meal prep on most Sundays, but I don’t care for leftovers. I eat processed foods sometimes, food from restaurants sometimes, and healthy foods that I make at home sometimes.
My issue with food emotional, not physical. I don’t eat because I’m sad. I’m a happy lady for the most part, and I’m content in my work, my spiritual life, my marriage, and I’m confident that my future is a bright one.
My blood work always comes back positive. I have a healthy blood pressure, resting heart rate, cholesterol, and A1C. I weigh a lot more than I should, and sometimes it feels impossible to lose weight even though I know that’s nonsense.
From 2010 to 2014 or so, I felt like a failure because I wasn’t losing weight anymore after losing well over 100 pounds in 2009 and 2010. That started to change when a friend made an excellent point. She said, “You’re not a failure at losing weight; you’re just not trying.” She was right.
Losing weight was a priority in my life for a long time. From 2009 through 2013 I exercised regularly. My goal was to do at least 1,000 minutes of cardio a month, and I typically accomplished that goal pretty easily.
I gained back a lot of the weight I lost in 2009 and 2010 in 2013 when I discovered my love for caramel macchiatos and spending too much time at my favorite coffee shop. Other food choices contributed to it, but that period of life feels like ancient history.
I no longer get the emotional satisfaction from food that I once got, and I don’t eat as much as I did in the past. Even so, I haven’t seen progress in this area in the last year. It hasn’t been a priority, so it isn’t surprising to me.
Even so, I know that I need to do something about my weight. I need to forge new, healthier habits. I’m no stranger to what it takes to see results, but my commitment to making a change has been utterly lacking.
I don’t think my weight can be the top priority all the time. I’m not happy living like that, but I do believe that I’ll be happier and healthier if I make the choice to commit to making it a priority and see it through.
I don’t have a grandiose weight-loss goal for 2019, but I do want to breakthrough the number that has felt totally impossible and completely out of reach since 2012. The number is 284.
People often tell me that the number on the scale doesn’t matter, and they’re right and wrong. My weight no longer makes me feel like a failure or unworthy of love. It’s just a number in that sense, and it doesn’t consume me. On the flip side, it matters to me because if I’m working to see results, I want to see them in black and white. The scale is not the only measure, but it’s a key component.
I joined WW again recently, and my goal for the month of December is simply to track my foods, eat more vegetables, and to stay within the target zone each day. I know that will require some changes on my part, but it’s doable. And I hope that those changes will lead to healthy, lasting habits that lead to big results.
Are you a WW member? If so, what do you think of the new program?