Category Archives: Future

Gastric Sleeve Surgery: Day One

The process to be approved for weight-loss surgery is not short, but if the end result leads me to incredible health benefits it’ll be worth it. It’s slightly less overwhelming now that I’ve spoken to my doctor about everything I need to do in preparation, but it’s going to be a long road.

The surgeon sent me a checklist that must be completed before I can be approved, and the process has begun:

  • Clearance from Cardiologist with a recent EKG – I had an EKG a few weeks ago, and it came back normal. Whew! I still have to see a cardiologist though, which means I have to find one soon.
  • Psychological Evaluation – I’m in the healthiest place I’ve ever been in my heart and mind, so that doesn’t seem like a big deal. I just need to schedule an appointment.
  • Pulmonology Evaluation – I have to have a pulmonary function test and an arterial blood gas. I really have no idea what this means, but it sounds like it might hurt. Yikes!
  • Blood work with a TSH within the last 12 months – I did this a few weeks ago too, but if they need more blood I’ll let them poke me again. I think we’re good are though.
  • Physician supervised weight loss and exercise program for 6 months – My insurance pays for Weight Watchers meetings, which counts. I’m already doing pretty well there, so I’m going to keep it up. Today was my first of 6 appointments that will be specific to my weight-loss progress. I’ll see my doctor again a month from now, and I hope to be 8 to 10 pounds lighter.
  • Dietician Evaluation – This seems pretty straight forward, and I think I could benefit greatly from it. I’ll do that on the same day as my surgical visit.

I’ve been doing well with Weight Watchers lately, and I’m finally starting to feel well after a few weeks of pain due to skin issues. I haven’t exercised in over two weeks, but I think I’m well enough to start again. Unfortunately, there’s no prescription or remedy to completely fix the problem, so even though it hurts again I have to deal with it.

sleep studyTonight I’m doing a sleep study, which should be interesting. Thankfully, they sent me home with the equipment, so I’m not required to spend the night anywhere else. It seems invasive, but it won’t be nearly as uncomfortable as sleeping in a hospital or another strange place.

I typically sleep through the night and wake up feeling rested, so I’m guessing I’m okay. I’m just going to do every test they suggest with the hope that it will lead me to a healthier place overall.

This process feels overwhelming to me, but I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking about how life would be different. I already love my life! I have a loving family, a great job, a group of good friends, a boyfriend who is thoughtful, encouraging and understanding, a comfortable home and a bright future. I don’t want any of that to change; I just want my health to improve long-term, so I  can enjoy the life I’m already living. It would be cool to be able to buy jeans again too, but I think I’m pretty close to that right now.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Not Ready…Yet

After my last post I read through what I wrote and reflected on it, and one thing became clear: I’m not ready for the kind of relationship that I want. I felt ready at one point, but a lot has changed. I’ve changed.

When I take an honest look at my life, I’m not satisfied with everything. I have moments of joy – like when a friend I’ve been talking about with God for months calls me and says, “I’m totally lost. It’s been a long time since I’ve put God first in my life, but I’m ready. Can we talk?,” or when I spend minutes or hours in worship feeling the outpouring of God’s presence. 

I enjoy spending time with my family, and my nieces never fail to bring a smile to my face. I’m happy when I’m relaxing with friends in my rooftop pool or when I’m spending an evening with friends at a small group or having coffee, etc.

I experience a lot of enjoyment, but right now I’m struggling to find satisfaction. I’ve tried finding satisfaction without asking God for it on several occasions, and I’ve done it a lot lately. Doing it my way feels good too…until I realize that I’m still craving more. (This applies to food, attention, intimacy, etc.)      

Lately it’s been hard to admit that I’m struggling because I feel condemned for it. I’m not perfect; I’m not pretending to be. I suck at having patience, and I know that God wants to work in me. I’m just not sure what His plan is.

I know He loves me. I know He’s with me, and I know He’ll never leave me. I’m just not sure what im doing. I’ve let Him down so many times, and I’m still not getting it right. I’m just not sure what He wants from me right now.

Someone wise told me that God isn’t going to give me someone to love just because I’m lonely. He’s going to wait until I’m ready, which means He’s preparing me…which means I have to wait. (I’m not good at waiting because I don’t want to!)

I do know that God is smarter than I am. I know His ways are always better. I can look back and see how incredibly faithful He has been, which reminds me that I have absolutely no reason to doubt Him. 

My sincere prayer right now is that God will change my heart and line up my will with His. I want to desire more of Him and less of the other things that have led (or could lead) me into sin. I want Him to show me what He wants from me, then I need Him to give me the strength to do it. I’m weak, and in my weakness I want Him to mold me into someone who is living a fulfilled life. I want to serve His purpose, and I want Him to fill in all of the gaps.

I want Him to eliminate the distractions that are keeping me from moving forward, and I need Him to heal the hurt and anger that I feel toward people who have let me down. I want and need a lot from God. It’s a good thing He’s all-knowing and all-powerful, isn’t it?

I may not be ready for some of the things I want, but I know God’s working in me. I wouldn’t be feeling any of this if He wasn’t. That’s oddly comforting to me, and today, that’s enough. 

—–

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not faint. 

Isaiah 40:31
         

Two Years Later

I can’t believe that it’s been two years since I first walked in to NOLA Church. I know I gush about it frequently, but it’s because of the incredible impact being there has had on my life. 

When I arrived I was broken and in desperate need of the radical life change that Paul described in Romans. I was drowing in sin, directionless, and I was scared to change any of it. 

I thought I had to get my act together before I could turn to God. I knew what the Bible said about repentance, which is the act of turning away from sin. I just wasn’t ready to turn away; I honestly didn’t know where to begin.

My sins felt so big; my shame felt all-encompasing. At the same time I was filled with pride. I wanted the folks around me to know that I had grown up in church. I know verses like Romans 3:23 and Jeremiah 29:11. I had tons of Bible passages memorized, even the one in John when Jesus says that we’ll have troubles, but don’t worry because He’s overcome the world. (John 16:33)

I knew all about Him, but it wasn’t until I showed up (and kept showing up) that I began to understand the difference between knowing about Him and having a relationship with Him.

I wrote about that a year ago. Those changes were significant, but I’ve gone through many new changes over the last 365 days. I’m definitely still in a season of major change, but it’s cool to look back at where I was and where I am right now.

At this time last year I had experienced a lot of growth, but I was still struggling with surrender. I struggle with it now, but it’s not as hard to invite God into my situations as it once was. 

The first time I met with my pastor, Monte, he said, “Don’t be afraid to be uncomfortable” or something like that. I remember looking at him like he was crazy (and a little scary) because I love comfort. I seek it constantly…through food, relationships, and all kinds of other things that provide momentary satisfaction. I didn’t understand what he meant back then, but I do now. 

Surrender isn’t easy; it’s not comfortable, but it’s important to recognize that without God, I’m nothing. I mean, if you know me, you know that I haven’t always made perfect choices. I’ve made mistakes; I’ve been too dependent on things for satisfaction. I’ve been wrong a lot. 

In January of last year I had an opportunity to surrender my feelings to God, and I said, “no way.” I was prepared to fight Him for something that I didn’t really want instead of asking what He wanted from me. I did things my way once again because it was too scary to let go, and as a result I went through a lot of unecessary pain. 

For months I refused to ask God to intervene in that circumstance. I gave other things up (things that I liked that I knew didn’t please Him,) which made me feel as though I had given up enough. (Uh, note to self: God’s way is so much better.) I did not yet understand that I’ll never surrender something to Him that He doesn’t replace with something better. 

In July of last year I had an even bigger crisis of faith. I wasn’t prepared to give God what was already His in financial circumstances (tithing,) and after the realization that God doesn’t need my money, I started tithing because I wanted to put Him first in every part of my life (even money.) That wasn’t exactly easy to do because I like to be in control. I’ve always taken pride in being autonomous, and I still am. I just choose to say, “Hey God, I trust you to be My Provider,” and He has been so faithful. (God is awesome like that.) 

Life didn’t suddenly become perfect because I love Jesus. I still struggle with food and other things. I know that my desire to eat more than I should is something I have to surrender. (Again, I’ve proven that I can’t do it on my own.) I’ve also been open about how hard it is to turn away from it.) I just know that life without God sucks, but knowing Him gives me so much hope. 

In looking back I see that I’ve grown in my relationship with God. I’m not as self-centered as I was, and I love sharing His love with everyone I meet. I want others to feel the peace, joy, and contentment that I feel because of His mercy and unconditional love. I get passionate about it because  it has radically altered my entire life. 

I couldn’t have imagined all of the amazing changes that I would experience the first time I went to NOLA Church. I am so thankful for God’s love and for the community of people there who have walked with me on this incredible journey so far. 

I’m humbled and amazed by God’s willingness to use me as His vessel, and I’m already looking forward to seeing where that leads in the next year. As long as Jesus stays at the center, I know it will be better than I can imagine.

*****

You didn’t think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he’s such a nice God, he’d let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.

Romans 2:3-4 (The Message)

Love, or Something Like It

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and while no one will be giving me flowers or chocolates this year, love is on my mind…

There’s a man in my life, and I have feelings for him. I mentioned him for the first time here in September, and I’ve mentioned him once or twice since then. In some ways, he doesn’t fit the mold of the man that I used to envision, but in other ways he exceeds all of the dreams of a significant other that I’ve ever had.

He’s smart, incredibly humble and handsome, and he makes me laugh. He comforts me when I cry and calms me down when I get ticked off. I light up when I see him, and the big, easy smile that always appears on his face when he sees me shows me that he’s happy to see me too.

He is a great father. (Yes, Kenlie is attracted to a man who has kids.) He loves them, and they love him. The relationship he has with his children says a lot about the kind of man he strives to be, and the relationship that I have with his children makes it easy to love them too.

He doesn’t wear a suit to work, but he looks smoking hot when he does wear one. He’s successful. He works hard, but he knows that he’s blessed to have the career that he has.

He has a thankful heart, and he loves Jesus. When I began thinking about what I wanted in a man, it never occurred to me that I’d be attracted to someone who would put GOD first, but now I think it’s one of the sexiest things about him. He thinks about his actions and his words before he acts on them, and he strives to live a life that is GOD-approved. I’m trying to do the same thing, and he helps me grow in that. I help him grow too.

He stands by his beliefs (even sometimes when I think he’s dead wrong,) but he’s also amenable to change. When I make a good point, he embraces it. When he’s wrong, he’s not too prideful to admit that he’s wrong. Few things make my heart happier than watching him as he hangs on my every word before he concedes that I’m right or challenges me to think it through in a different way.

We’re good for each other. No, we’re great for each other. Whether we’re hanging out with friends into the wee hours of the night or relaxing on the sofa with his kids, or reading The Bible, we’re happy when we’re together, and people notice.

Our friends often joke about it, noting that when we’re together, we act like no one else is there. (They exaggerate, but point taken.) It is safe to assume that if we’re in the same room, we won’t be too far apart (with exception of Sunday mornings when I’m busy on stage or chatting and hugging everyone who walks through the doors of our church while he catches up with friends that he doesn’t see everyday.)

His life is so different than mine in some ways, but at the same time, he understands me. I don’t have to work hard to explain my feelings to him. They just flow naturally, and he communicates his thoughts and feelings very well most of the time too.

He knows all of my bad stuff – my darkest regrets, the lies I’ve told, the mistakes I’ve made that hurt people, the pain that I endured, my fears, and he doesn’t judge me. He just empathizes and allows me to be exactly who I am (scars, faults and all.)

He’s ten years older than I am, and he just moved into a beautiful new home in the suburbs that he had custom built, while I live in a historical high-rise downtown. He likes fishing and hunting and outdoor things, and I like shopping and traveling to new and interesting places. That said, when I step into his world, I realize that I love it, and the same happens when he steps into my little world. I’d probably even like fishing as long he handled the bait and the fish (since I’d inevitably catch some big ones!) We share a lot of friends, but he seems comfortable with everyone in my life regardless of how long he’s known them.

It’s hard to explain the connection that I feel for him because he’s not my boyfriend, yet he’s so much more than just some guy that I have a crush on. Sure, I think he’s amazing. He’s breathtaking. He makes me giddy, but it’s deeper than that. There’s something awesome and undefinable about our coexistence, but I don’t try to categorize it. I just enjoy it.

He matters to me. Our paths have crossed for a reason, though neither of us can fully explain why yet. I like to make him happy, and I want to take care of him (even though he is a full grown man who doesn’t need my protection.) I like feeling like he needs me from time to time, and I like knowing that I can depend on him to be there when I need or want him to be.

He is so special to me. I’m pretty full of joy regardless of others, but he makes my heart happy. He is the kind of man I want in my life forever – the kind of man that I’d change everything for if I had the opportunity. I cannot begin to understand why GOD has placed him in my life if he’s not meant for me, but I’m patiently waiting for Him to show me.

Lately a few friends have suggested that I express what I want in a relationship, and if I could sum it up, I’d say that I want something just like this (only adding that I want to kiss him whenever I want to.) I want the kind of relationship that I’ve just described, and I want it forever.

I want to love someone who loves me, and I want to show that man how much he is loved and desired. I want intimacy and a promise that he’ll always be there. If I can’t have that, then I’ll just continue to live life as a single person who’s thankful for everything that I do have.

 

The Right Direction

Have you ever had one of those moments in which you realize that your life is moving in the direction that you want to move in?  It’s happening for me right now, and it feels good.

School is back in full swing, and I recognize that I am right where I belong.  I’m studying Public Relations, and it doesn’t feel like work because I enjoy it.  I’ve always taken interest in public affairs, people and marketing, but now I’m learning how to turn that into something useful for myself.  I’m also learning a lot about new media that I hope to utilize on my blog.

I started my day with a bike ride today (which is now yesterday) which allowed me to center my thoughts before the rest of the day.  Maybe that’s why some people like to workout early?  My days are full right now, but you won’t hear me complain because I’m finally living a life in which I’m doing things that matter (to me.)

I spent far too many years waking up and not doing anything positive for myself.  I wasted so much time wondering what I should do with myself, or how I could make myself feel significant.  Over the last year I haven’t had to wonder because it’s happening.  My only regret is that I didn’t figure out how to do it sooner.

Obviously, there’s still a lot of improvement to be made within myself, but I’m making progress.   I’m actively working on being someone that I’m proud of for myself, and it’s empowering.  Now I just have to keep pushing forward.

What’s the last thing you did that helped you feel strong and empowered?

 

 

 

Choosing My Future

The choices we make today affect how we live tomorrow.” 

I’ve heard this quote a few times today, and it has put in my a very introspective mood.  I’ve made choices that have resulted in the life that I have now.  A year ago, I would have been fine with that statement, but I didn’t realize that I was lying to myself and the people around me.  I am not where I want to be or where I thought I would be.

And while it’s embarrassing and a bit distressing to admit that I’m 30 and disappointed in myself, admitting it is necessary to breed hope.  “The choices we make today affect how we live tomorrow.”  That quote is full of truth as well as motivation to work toward the life I want to have. 

I’ve already started by changing my relationship with food and exercise, and to be honest, nothing in life ever seemed more daunting than that.  Now it’s time to start applying the same will and strength to other areas that are also important.

I’ve reached a point recently in which I feel like I know what I want out of my life, and it’s all different than I thought it was – at least different than I admitted it was.  I want a career that I enjoy and to love someone who loves me as much or more.  I want a baby girl (someday..you know, after I find that person to love and everything. ha)  and to live the life that has always seemed so foreign to me.

I don’t truly have any of these things today, but I’m working on the new career which will take some time.  I have established some new goals which terrify me, but I’m much more fearful of looking back at a life wasted. 

And I can’t control the rest – finding the love of my life, making a family, etc. but just admitting this is something that I couldn’t do until recently.  Of course I want a family – a husband and a baby…maybe more than one baby! Why has it always been so hard to admit/accept that? 

I’ve been thinking on this for months now though I’ve only decided to openly admit it today.  I think that one of the reasons it’s so hard to admit that I want a family is because it has always seemed so out of reach.  It’s still out of reach.  I’m not even dating anyone right now, and I still weigh more than I should (or want to) so thinking of making a family is absurd. 

But if I ever hope to have the things I want out of life, I need to start acting like it.  I need to recognize that opportunities are most often found through hard work.  I’ve coasted for a long time.  I’ve felt temporary happiness that was fleeting, but I want the real thing.  I want to look in the mirror and see someone who can make herself happy and successful on her own because she knows she deserves that. 

No one can fix this for me or make it all better except me.  For years, I have cared so much about what people think of me that I’ve neglected to care about what I think of me.  I’m worth so much more than I’ve given myself credit for, and that changes now. 

I’m anxious about the future, but I don’t want to miss out on all of the amazing things that definitely will not happen if I don’t start creating those opportunities for myself.  I’m going back to New York in a few weeks to start working on creating a new future.  It’s terrifying and exciting and nerve-racking liberating!  And I forgive myself for being afraid, but I don’t think I could forgive myself for not trying. 

I can’t control every aspect of the future, but I will work to increase my chances of creating the life I want for myself.  And if I fall on my face, I’ll get up and be proud that I tried before trying again. 

So that’s it…it’s almost time to begin a new chapter.  Am I ready? I sure as hell hope so…

Pros and Cons and Immediate Plans

I’ve admitted in previous posts that I’m not sure what the future holds, but I finally feel like I’m starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel of uncertainty.  Changes are coming, and decisions have to be made.  And the time is now.

New York is the only place that has ever felt like home to me.  From the first day I was there, I knew I was where I was supposed to be.  I can’t explain why a girl from the middle of nowhere would find herself at home in such a place, but some things just can’t be explained.  Sometimes you just know.

During the last few months I’ve been quietly trying to make plans for the future…figure out where I’m going..where I’ll settle down…and though it hasn’t be easy to admit over the last few months, my heart still lives in New York.  When I’m honest with myself I know it’s where I want to be, but I’ve overcomplicated it in my mind so many times that it has been nearly impossible to make a plan.

I’ve considered going to Austin, at least temporarily, and I think it’s a good idea to move there at some point over the next month before moving back to New York in September (at which time I will go back to school.)  Does this sound like a good plan? Yep.

There are countless (obvious) reasons to love NY so I’ll just share my thoughts on Austin.  I’d like to go somewhere easy for a while – where I can find people who are like-minded and friendly.  And Austin is definitely a hot spot for intelligent, cultured, single people who want to enjoy a scaled-down city life. 

And I know awesome people there already.  A few of them are on the same journey as I am so I’d have an inside track to the best Weight Watchers meetings, a workout buddy and friends who will watch chick flicks and eat sushi with me and join 5k races, etc.

The weather is another plus because I could ride my bike to work and to the gym most days and find pretty trails to enjoy in my free time.  It’s a great place to be active, and that would be a big plus in weight-loss.  Seriously, as I write about Austin I think I could fall in love with Texas again and even stay there…maybe?

But the point is that I don’t need to commit to spending the rest of my life in Austin or anywhere right now.  I’m 30 years old, single and going back to school to take my life in an entirely different direction.  That’s a lot to take in especially when I add the pressure of finding all of the answers today. 

Right now I know that I love New York, and I can’t imagine not going back.  I also know that I have enjoyed living close enough to Dad over the last few months to see him once a week or head to his house when I just feel like visiting with him for a few days so staying Tulsa is an option too.

I also know that I really like the Mountain Man, but he would agree that Texas is a great place to live.  He’s a Texan, and he’d want you to know it. 😉  And while we are slowly building a strong relationship together, he would probably laugh or scream if he thought I’d consider staying there to see how things go with him.  We haven’t been dating long enough for that kind of pressure…not even close.  But Mountain Man and I will talk about that if the time comes.

Dad is a Texan too, by the way, who absolutely loved living in Austin.  He’s definitely in favor of me heading back to Texas, but he’ll support me in whatever I choose to do.  Mom will too (even if she takes a little more convincing, right Mom?)

So now that I have a few options laid out, I will take a few days to think them over.  I’m quite sure that if I stay in Tulsa it won’t be forever.  And while I’m not willing to say I’d stay in Austin forever either, it could be kind of awesome now.  And it’s a place I could stay long-term if I wanted to.  And New York is definitely on my mind, but the earliest I’d go back is September.  And I have to live somewhere until then.

I’m not sure if I wrote this post to ask for advice or just to simplify these options in my mind.  As I said earlier, I have overcomplicated it so much.  I’ve looked at my future as a problem instead of an opportunity.  I was dreading these changes, and now I’m looking forward to them.

My workouts and eating habits have been solid this week, and I’m ready to move forward with the rest of my life too.

Being Honest With Myself

Sometimes I wonder if it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling, but tonight I know it’s okay. It has to be okay. It’s been another emotional day for me.

Most of my weekend was wonderful, and today has been great. But as I sit here alone, I find myself wishing I could go home soon…knowing that I don’t have a home anymore. I mean, I’ll find a new place to live, but those are just walls. I don’t want to live somewhere new…I want to go home.

I was supposed to mail my keys back today, and I just couldn’t do it. I’m not ready to accept the fact that I’ve lost the life I loved. I can’t imagine never making faux fried chicken then playing Scrabble again or accidentally dropping a piece of zucchini on the floor in the kitchen and watching Sadie pounce on it.

I’ve been so angry and defensive that I haven’t even allowed myself to feel the pain I’m feeling. I haven’t allowed myself to feel my own regrets, but tonight they’re crashing down on me. Tonight I wish I had done some things differently. But more than that, I wish I could lay my heart out under a microscope so the contents could be visible. I wish I could prove what is in my heart and head.

But life doesn’t always work that way. And I suppose it wouldn’t matter even if it did. There are some wonderful things on the horizon, but I don’t think I can fully embrace it without working through the feelings I have now. So I’m going to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling tonight before waking up to face the new day.

Just Thinking Out Loud

I’ve been losing weight pretty consistently for over a year, and I’ve made a lot of progress so far. But on days like yesterday I find it hard to accept that I still have so far to go. I mean, I’m not interested in quitting. There is no option in my mind except to continue moving forward. But it’s tough to know that I’ve come so far and still have so far to go.

Then I remember how easy it was to jog on the treadmill at 4mph for 8 minutes yesterday. To some that’s no big deal, but to me it’s an awesome accomplishment. I also remember how hard it was to shop for clothes only a year ago because I had to squeeze into the largest sizes in the plus-size stores.

I think about how I used to long to ride a bicycle and how I can now ride mine anytime I want to. I also think about April of 2009, shortly after it all began. I was traveling to meet my niece who would be born hours before my arrival. I remember walking back into the rental car company (in the snowstorm) to ask for a car that had more room in the driver’s seat because I just didn’t fit. I remember the anxiety I used to feel each time I stepped foot on an airplane…and how awful I felt every time I had to ask to be seated in a different spot because I wouldn’t fit into the booth at a restaurant.

(Reading to my newborn niece in April of 2009 – 12 pounds into my weight-loss.)

I think about how hard it used to be to walk – waddle is a more accurate description. And I remember the constant anxiety I’d feel because I fell so often. I even fell down the stairs more than once.

(Now I don’t think twice about carrying her around the store because I’m strong and my balance is good.)

I think about how hard it used to be to walk – waddle is a more accurate description. And I remember the constant anxiety I’d feel because I fell so often. I even fell down the stairs more than once.

These are all things that no longer happen because I’ve lost over 100 pounds. Life is better; I am better. I control my habits, and I own them. Whether my choices are good or bad, I take responsibility for them. And I take pride in that.

So while I still have a long road to my goal, I am so much closer than I imagined I’d be when I started. I hoped I’d do well on this journey, and now I can look at myself and say that I have.

I’m proud of who I am today and confident in the person I’m becoming. Today I know that my goals are within reach. After all, I’m almost halfway there! It’s not just a wish anymore…it is my reality. Weight-loss is a mental challenge so instead of thinking about what I have not yet accomplished, I choose to be proud of everything I have accomplished. And just like that, I feel better again. 😉

I drank 18 glasses of water yesterday, and I’m feeling pretty good about that too! =) Check out this photo of Sean’s adorable mom as she rocks the water challenge. Isn’t she cute?! I can’t wait to hug her! 🙂 And don’t forget to send in your own water photo so we can show the world (or, ya know, the people who read our blogs) that we are committed to staying hydrated.


And because the PEWC is going so well Sean jokingly suggested that we consider having an ice cream cone challenge. I think we’re already all over that challenge Sean. Ha.. Our photos are proof. We should probably just stick to the water challenge, at least officially, right? 🙂

(I would guess that this cone was closer to 180 calories than 150. It was bigger than usual – and sooooo tasty!)

How’s everyone doing today? What’s for lunch? And what will you do to burn calories today? I hope whatever you’re doing, you’re making the most of your Tuesday!

Bottoms up Friends…

Personal Growth: Whether I Want To or Not

Today has been a productive day. It started with a manicure and pedicure then I had sushi for lunch and made an order for my birthday dinner next week. My birthday is Monday..just saying. Then I spent most of the afternoon with people who are like family to me before coming home to get some work done.

I was feeling pretty amazing on the way to lay by the pool with loved ones, but I didn’t leave feeling completely awesome. Instead, I let comments that stupid teens made dictate my level of enjoyment. Seriously? I didn’t let that affect me this much when I was tipping the scales at nearly 400 pounds.

So why, when I’ve come so far, would I allow petty comments from strangers keep me from enjoying an activity I love? I think it’s because I’ve come so far. It bothered me before, obviously. But it bothered me today when two beautiful, young girls laughed at me without hesitation because they don’t know me. They don’t know how much my life has changed. They didn’t meet “Kenz, the girl who has lost weight and gained freedom.” In fact, they didn’t meet me at all. They never spoke a word to me. Instead, they snickered and made comments (that I could hear) about how fat I was.

I’m disappointed in myself for letting it bother me, but it did just as much as the first rude blog comment I received last month. I know I’m still far from my goal, but I’m so much closer! I walk around feeling awesome most days, and I honestly thought that my self-esteem was stronger than it was today.

I left the party early, explaining that I had important things to do at home. And that was not a lie..I did them. But the truth is that I would not have considered leaving had I not seen and heard the girls laughing at me.

For the record, if anyone at the party had heard what the girls were saying, they would have torn them up. I was surrounded by people who like and accept me so these girls that I didn’t know were the exception. If anyone had heard them talking that way they would have immediately shut them down and come to my defense. But I should have come to my own defense. And I usually do.

I had a weak and embarrassing moment, but I’m ready to move on. I did what I needed to do for myself tonight and finished the evening with a sweaty, heart-pounding workout, and I feel good. I know how far I’ve come, and I know where I’m going. Ultimately, that is what is most important.

I don’t need everyone I meet to know that I live a healthy, fulfilling lifestyle, but I am looking forward to the day that I’m no longer a walking target for insults. And that day is coming soon. A year from now this won’t be something I worry about much. Until then, I’ll continue enjoying the positive changes while doing my best to ignore the jerks.