While we were in New York last week we ate cupcakes from Crumbs, one of my favorite cupcake shops in NYC. Kelly brought a variety of them to my little birthday dinner, and we all shared them. Even ‘The Suit’ had a bite or two even though he’s not a fan of cake. (I don’t understand this at all, but I accept it anyway. Hehe…)
Our first night in the city was not without cupcakes either. We shared three little 50-calorie cupcakes from Baked by Melissa. Actually, he took a bite of one, and I ate the other 125 calories or so by myself.
I didn’t go as overboard with cupcakes as I have done in the past, but I had three little ones the first day and the equivalent to almost one big one on the second day. I ate them and enjoyed them so when The Suit learned that I’d probably get one the following day he asked me why. At first I was aggravated by the question, but I soon became aggravated that I didn’t have an answer.
He did not say “You don’t need another cupcake, Kenlie.” He did not say “Why would you eat another when you’ve had so much?” He didn’t ask the question in judgment at all; he asked it out of curiosity. He seemed surprised, and I felt a little defensive. The best answer I could come up with was that I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to have one later.
When I realized that I was *not* actually craving one and that my only reason for eating one was that I might want one a month from now, I felt pretty silly. Around anyone else I probably would have been embarrassed, but I felt relieved that I had found the answer to a question that I’ve always been too afraid to ask. He makes me feel safe so I can be honest with him and myself, and at that moment I realized I had more thinking to do.
The truth is that I like cupcakes, but I don’t love them as much as I thought I did. Since January I have expressed to Kelly and on my blog that I’m usually disappointed by cupcakes once I actually eat them, and the same is true now. They’re good, but they’re hardly life-changing. And I enjoyed the amazing company and experiences that I had last week more than any cupcake I’ve ever eaten.
Once again, I didn’t think about food as much when The Suit was around. I thought about it, but it didn’t consume me. I will remember a lot of things about our last day in New York, but I have no regrets about skipping the cupcake. I could have had it, but not having it became a liberating experience for me. On second thought, maybe I will remember not having it. Maybe I’ll remember taking control of something that has tormented me far too long.
Regardless, I’m thankful for the person who asks tough questions with patience and empathy, and I’m thankful that every moment brings a new opportunity for me to make choices that make my life healthier and happier. Who could ask for more?