Cupcake Question

While we were in New York last week we ate cupcakes from Crumbs, one of my favorite cupcake shops in NYC.  Kelly brought a variety of them to my little birthday dinner, and we all shared them.  Even ‘The Suit’ had a bite or two even though he’s not a fan of cake. (I don’t understand this at all, but I accept it anyway. Hehe…)

Our first night in the city was not without cupcakes either.  We shared three little 50-calorie cupcakes from Baked by Melissa.  Actually, he took a bite of one, and I ate the other 125 calories or so by myself.

I didn’t go as overboard with cupcakes as I have done in the past, but I had three little ones the first day and the equivalent to almost one big one on the second day.  I ate them and enjoyed them so when The Suit learned that I’d probably get one the following day he asked me why.  At first I was aggravated by the question, but I soon became aggravated that I didn’t have an answer.

He did not say “You don’t need another cupcake, Kenlie.”  He did not say “Why would you eat another when you’ve had so much?”  He didn’t ask the question in judgment at all; he asked it out of curiosity.  He seemed surprised, and I felt a little defensive.  The best answer I could come up with was that I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to have one later.

When I realized that I was *not* actually craving one and that my only reason for eating one was that I might want one a month from now, I felt pretty silly.  Around anyone else I probably would have been embarrassed, but I felt relieved that I had found the answer to a question that I’ve always been too afraid to ask.  He makes me feel safe so I can be honest with him and myself, and at that moment I realized I had more thinking to do.

The truth is that I like cupcakes, but I don’t love them as much as I thought I did.  Since January I have expressed to Kelly and on my blog that I’m usually disappointed by cupcakes once I actually eat them, and the same is true now.  They’re good, but they’re hardly life-changing.  And I enjoyed the amazing company and experiences that I had last week more than any cupcake I’ve ever eaten.

Once again, I didn’t think about food as much when The Suit was around.  I thought about it, but it didn’t consume me.  I will remember a lot of things about our last day in New York, but I have no regrets about skipping the cupcake.  I could have had it, but not having it became a liberating experience for me.  On second thought, maybe I will remember not having it.  Maybe I’ll remember taking control of something that has tormented me far too long.

Regardless, I’m thankful for the person who asks tough questions with patience and empathy, and I’m thankful that every moment brings a new opportunity for me to make choices that make my life healthier and happier.  Who could ask for more?

 

 

I May Not be Perfect, But…

Have you ever had a day (or a week) in which it seems like everything that could go wrong goes wrong?  Yeah…I’d guess I’m not the only one.  And last night, after everything seemed to calm down, I made the choice to eat more than I should.  I recognized what I was doing after only a few minutes, and that’s when I phoned a friend.  Actually, I sent Kelly a text which basically said I’m on the verge of eating too much, and she called almost immediately.

I had already eaten more than I should have, but it could have been much worse.  When we spoke, I stopped eating crap, started drinking water and vowed to go and exercise until I didn’t feel like eating anymore, and I went.

After finishing 5 miles on the ellpitical and drinking a gallon of water, I forgave myself.  And I’m feeling pretty pleased about the choice I made the push the junk food aside and hit the gym. Sure, I shouldn’t have eaten junk food.  And yes, I regretted it almost immediately, but I was reminded by a good friend who has definitely been there that the best time to get back on track is right now.  I did that, and I’m going to feel a lot better about myself today than I would have otherwise.

I may not be perfect, but I’m awesome.  And Kelly is awesome too….

 

Here I Am Again

I’m sure I’ve said it before, but I started this blog for myself.  I wrote posts to keep myself accountable and to look back at victories as I climbed my personal Everest, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done.  Over the last year, I’ve written countless posts about getting back on track, hitting my internal reset button and figuring out how to move forward after I did it for so long, and today is going to be another post about taking one step forward and ten steps back then more steps forward. This hard thing (fixing my body and mind) is something I am determined to do – even if I have to work at it for the rest of my life (and I know that’s the most likely scenario.)   And I’m certain that my blog has helped me maintain the work I’ve already done.  I don’t want to guess where I’d be without the support and accountability I receive here.

It is no secret that I’ve struggled over the last year (though yesterday was better.)  I’m proud of maintaining, but in September I thought I had found my new groove.  I thought I had figured it out again, but I have not.  Rejoining a Weight Watchers group gave me a renewed sense of hope,  but joining alone is not where the magic happens!  The truth is that I’m struggling to control my food portions.  I don’t remember having this much trouble on a consistent basis when I started WW in 2009, but I am now because I’m not following the program – at all.

I can think of a few seemingly justifiable reasons to be struggling lately (death of my uncle, toe injury, new meds…)  But the truth is that the reasons/excuses are not as important as making the changes I need to make to adjust.  I worked out yesterday – 45 minutes on the recumbent bike, upper body and 100 crunches which didn’t bother my toe too much, but this is my first healthy day since Wednesday.  Eating more crap and drinking wine and beer is not exactly the way to counteract my lack of gym time, but that’s what I did this weekend.  Yes, my weekend was amazing, but I’d look back with fonder memories if I could look forward with more confidence.

Every Thursday, no matter how poorly or how well I’ve eaten all week, I find myself ready to start over…ready to tackle the next week…until Friday night or Saturday night. At that point, I find myself thinking that I can worry about it tomorrow…I’ll say to myself “I’m going to workout so why not eat this extra piece of bread (or three?)” and  I end up spending Monday through Thursday trying to undo the damage that I did Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  And while it makes absolutely no sense, I know some of you know exactly what I’m talking about so my goal for the next 7 days is to track my food intake and to sweat hard at least 5 times.  When I do that, it works so I’m going to exercise and eat foods that I’m not embarrassed to enter in e-tools.

I say no to myself pretty often, but lately I haven’t been doing it enough.  Over the last four weeks, I haven’t said no much at all (at least consistently,) and I haven’t said yes to the gym or to vegetables and other healthy habits.  And I don’t want these setbacks to become my new normal though sometimes it seems they have.  If you’ve ever been to my blog before then you know that this isn’t new for me, but you also know that I don’t give up.

I know I’m not the only one struggling right now.  I also know that I have to keep trying because I definitely cannot accept failure and/or defeat.  If losing weight was easy……..well, you know the rest…….

 

Failure, Self-Doubt and a Side of Onion Rings

I feel like a complete and utter failure right now.  Most of my posts are filled with a bright side, but right now need to face my truth.

I’ve only had two solid workouts in the last week.  I have eaten crap and too much of it.  I feel bloated, lazy and exhausted.  I’m not sure if I’m fighting feelings of stress and uncertainty or just lethargy.  Regardless, it does not feel good, and it needs to change – NOW!

I made some lofty goals for the month of May, and I didn’t achieve most of them.  I would be proud of myself anyway if I had done my best, but I didn’t do my best – not even close.  And again, I have to face the harsh reality that I have wasted time that I cannot get back.

These were my goals:

  • Complete at least 1,000 minutes of cardio – a piece of cake when I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing…(I’ll accomplish this one today…)
  • Complete at least 10 5k’s – I’m pretty sure I did this in March and maybe other months, but now I plan to document it.  I completed my first one today.  Only 9 more to go!
  • Lose at least 8 pounds – I can and should be losing at least 8 pounds per month…period.
  • Do 101 crunches everyday – I’m going to start again after falling out of my groove.

Um, I could make excuses, but they’d be just that – excuses.  I worked out hard several times in the last four weeks, but I didn’t do nearly as much as I should have.  My travels were intense and unexpected for half of the month,  but I worked out with Richard and friends a couple times.  Kent and I went for a hike at Griffith park one afternoon and walked around San Francisco for a while another afternoon.  I also rocked the elliptical at Fitbloggin’ while Emmie joked that she might have to come tear me away to join the impromptu pool party that I enjoyed post workout. 

I did some good things for my body this month, but I also did some things that are not so good.  I downed a few bottles of champagne (though not all at once.)  I ate trail mix like I wasn’t popping 10 P+ at a time, and I ate a burger after midnight one two different nights – one with onion rings and one with a milkshake (which might have been okay without all of the other garbage I indulged in all month.) 

I’ve been under pressure lately though it seemed to ease a bit over the weekend.  I’m not sleeping well at night so I’m constantly tired.  My mind is screaming at me to give in and be lazy while my body is craving purposeful movement.  I’m fighting inner demons that tell me I’m a failure…that I haven’t done enough, and that I’m not really going to reach my goal.

Hey, inner demons…F*** you!  You are not going to win!  You will not convince me to give up or make me believe, as I once did, that I’m not worth the effort it takes to accomplish these life-changing goals.   Fear will no longer rule my thoughts or rob me of rest.  And the heartless, faceless jerks who hide behind their computer screens will not convince me that they’re right about me.  I admit that I’ve been overwhelmed and tired and uncertain, but I will not give up.  I will not back down.  I will do what I need to do today.

When I started writing this post, my friend, Britt, suggested that I go back and read a post that I wrote earlier this month.  And something I said at the end spoke to me.  I wrote,I can tell you that by starting and not giving up, we’re better today than we were yesterday.”  My actions over the last month matter, and i regret not doing more.  But they don’t matter as much as what I will do today.  I have the opportunity to start making positive choices for myself – choices that make me much happier than a burger ever could, so I’m going to go for it,

I know this is true, and I know what it takes to turn these feelings of self-doubt around.  I know how good I’ll feel after a few days of mindful eating and heart-pumping workouts.  And I know that forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made is an important part of this process, and it’s really my only option. 


I’m moving forward right now.  I hit the restart button in my brain today, and tomorrow is going to be better than yesterday because I’m going to make it that way.

Fat Tuesday

Where my family comes from, Mardi Gras is a big, big deal.  Fat Tuesday, the day before lent,  is a day of epic indulgence.  It is a day when folks get together and splurge on food, drinks and fun…

And while I have only participated in the festivities a few times in my life, I always used this day as an excuse to eat in excess until last year.  Now it’s just another day – a day in which I will eat responsibly and exercise.  My plan is to indulge in a 5k or a 10k.  Why not? ;)

In spite of my lack of willingness to indulge in food and drinks, I couldn’t let this day go unnoticed.  It is, indeed, a part of my heritage.  And I always smile at the thought of my mom catching beads and stuffed animals and other fun things at the parades.  =0) 

Do you celebrate Mardi Gras?  Is there anything special about this Tuesday for you? How do you plan on making this day a success for yourself?

I plan on making today an incredible day!  Laissez Le Bon Temps Roulet

Keeping It Very Real

After writing my last post my cravings for crap ceased until now…It’s after midnight, and I just had an incredible conversation with an incredible friend.  I should be going to sleep, but I want pizza…no, I mean…I really want pizza.

I had pizza for dinner tonight, and I ate responsibly.  Before the pizza arrived I consumed a substantial salad that was filled with greens and very light on the fat-free dressing.  I also drank an entire glass of water which is pretty standard before every meal. Now, because I ate so responsibly, there’s a box of left over pizza (something that I usually cannot be bothered to reheat) in the fridge. 

I’m going to try to sleep, and I hope to wake up feeling like myself again…you know, the girl who is in control of everything that she eats and doesn’t think twice about things like candy or buffets or pizza.  If that doesn’t work, I’ll grab my sneakers and sweat the cravings away.  I’m not going to let pizza or chips or candy control me.  It doesn’t work that way anymore

Oh, did I mention that I want some candy too?   Really Kenlie?  Yep…I haven’t had cravings like this since beginning my weight-loss journey over 20 months ago.  What… the… _ _ _ _?  Alright…that’s it! I’m going to beat this…just had to lay it all out.

Craving Crap

The last 36 hours have been rough for me because I’ve been craving snacks.  I try to keep the fridge and the pantry stocked with healthy snacks, but right now I just want junk.  I can’t explain it, but I don’t think I have to…right? 

I want cake or donuts or deep fried cheese sticks or Reese’s Crunchy Peanut Butter Cups!  What?!  My mind is in a frenzy, but thankfully none of these things are readily accessible right now.  Sure, I could go to the bakery or the grocery store, but that’s probably not a good idea at the moment. 

I’m embarrassed to say that while I was in line at the supermarket a few days ago, I actually longed for the days that I didn’t count calories or points….the days when I would see a pack of cheese and crackers with little sausages and think “yay! I’ll take it!” instead of “ewe..that must be like 400 calories!” 

I found myself wishing I could go back for a day or an hour…just long enough to eat sugar cookies loaded with frosting or turtle cheesecake without thinking about whether or not it was worth the calories. 

Then, like a lightening bolt, I threw the cheese/crackers/sausage combo pack (which did look disgusting for the record) back on the shelf remembering how exhausted I used to feel just walking around the grocery store. There were times that I drove around for half an hour because I didn’t want to walk across the parking lot.

I thought about the times I skipped going out for food and other things (opting for delivery) because it was raining outside, and I was worried that I would slip and break a bone or bruise my knees. And forget snow!  That was more nerve racking than rain – not a good thing when you live in New York.

I remember making excuses to skip going to Central Park because it seemed too daunting, being afraid I’d break the frame of a bicycle or the time that I broke the driver’s seat because my excess weight was finally too much for it to handle.  And suddenly, the ridiculous cravings are gone. 

Losing weight is so much more rewarding than the juiciest, most decadent bacon cheeseburger will ever be even with all-you-can-eat fries.  And while that should be obvious by now, sometimes I need to remind myself.  I can eat a piece of cake or peanut butter cups once in a while if I do it in a responsible manner, but looking at the big picture helps me remember what I really wantto be the healthiest, most confident version of myself.  

Now, after reflecting on this post, I can proclaim victory against the cravings that I’ve been fighting since early yesterday, and I’m looking forward to a rockin’ workout later today.  Am I the only one who wakes up wishing I could eat lots of junk food on random days? How do you conquer cravings? 

Is There Such A Thing As Happy Foods?

My new blog friend, J, has recently stopped drinking soda, and she has written about it on her blog.  Maybe she won’t struggle with it as much as I did (at least I hope not,)  but I can tell her from my own experience that it’s possible to live a happy and fulfilled life without a single coke. ;)  If you haven’t visited J’s blog, take a minute to leave her some encouraging words at http://weightlossforrealthistime.blogspot.com/.  She’s rocking it!

I don’t spend a lot of time posting blogs that I’ve written in the past, but perhaps I should once in a while.  I wrote the post below on July 9, 2009, and I liked reading this because I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote it.  I was still discovering my love for weight-loss, and I was passionate about changing my relationship with food.  And while that passion was hidden in my self-loathing for  a few months last year, I feel it again.  And it feels good to see that what I hoped would happen has happened.  

I remember thinking on that night in July of 2009 that I couldn’t imagine living a life free of soft drinks.  Perhaps that sounds inane to some, but I dreamed of a day that seemed impossible – a day in which I could say “Eh, I don’t care if I ever drink another Dr. Pepper or not.”  I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to that point, but I’m here.  And I’ve been here for a long time.

Originally posted: July 9, 2009

Some people eat unhealthy food when they’re sad or lonely. Some people eat unhealthy food when they are bored. I tend to want unhealthy foods when I’m happy. Or, maybe somewhere along the line I found happiness in unhealthy foods. Don’t get me wrong. I have never been a *binge eater. But I am reasonably sure that I get excited about the prospect of pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and a coke, while watching a chick flick on my big TV, more than the average person.


I get excited about a lot of things, but in recent months I’ve gotten honest with myself. And I’ve learned that Dr. Pepper (and other junk) was making me (temporarily) happy. Thankfully, I have other reasons to be happy because I don’t drink it, and I’m better off without it. But I still get excited about the idea of having Chinese takeout with a bottle of Dr. Pepper.


But these things don’t excite me NEARLY as much as they used to. In fact, I have had two small bottles of Dr. Pepper sitting in the fridge since my friend left last week. And I had a dozen when she arrived. I was totally tempted to drink one when I first bought them. (It’s her favorite drink too.) But I reminded myself to think about how happy I would feel if I lost weight this week…and if I could wear sundresses because my ankles were not swollen. Yes, that’s right…drinking soda or having too much sodium makes me retain water. Ewe.


So tonight the Dr. Pepper was poured into the sink. Not a drop touched my lips, and I could not feel better about it than I do right now. As much fun as it would be to drink a soda or eat four slices of pizza, I can honestly say that it was MUCH MORE FUN to get on the scale tonight and weigh four pounds less than I did last week.


The junk would have been nice for the moment, but how would I have felt after the moment passed? On the other hand, I can take the weight loss with me. I can hold my head high, knowing that I weigh 34 pounds less than I did a few months ago.


So this week I learned something very important about myself. I will not allow what I want at the moment to keep me from what I want most of all — which is to have a healthy, adorable body. :)
No soda or pizza or Chinese food will ever be worth giving up on the goal.

Do you think there’s such a thing as healthy foods?  Has you love for food changed throughout your weight-loss journey? 

*A year and a half later, I’m still not sure exactly what the word binge means to me, but when I wrote this I thought of it as eating uncontrollably – sometimes in secret.

Again

It has been a good week so far. I feel good, and I’ve spent a lot of time around people who matter to me. Life is still changing, but it’s getting easier and more fun so I can’t complain.

Last night I made roast with potatoes and carrots for dinner which was a big hit. :) And the guy I wrote about last week (you know…the one that watched me trip on a twig like a big dope) made dessert – Big Red ice cream floats with Bluebell homemade vanilla ice cream. When I realized that he had come up with this incredible dessert idea, my brain’s initial response was to panic. But after about 30 seconds of consideration I realized that It would probably be okay to enjoy it.


I ate almost half of the float which I guessed was approximately 100 grams of ice cream, and it was delicious! As I sat on the sofa, enjoying the rare treat, I was reminded of some things that are extraordinarily important. I no longer have a desire to drink soda, and more importantly, I control the choices that I make. Sure…I could have asked Mountain Man (yeah..let’s call him that) to serve mine sans soda, but I constantly preach that nothing is off limits. And I believe that it’s the only way to successfully live out this journey. Does this mean I’ll drink soda again? No…not for a long time. It’s just not my thing. And the idea of wasting calories on it doesn’t appeal to me.

Speaking of wasting calories, I have struggled with eating more in the last week than I have at any previous point on this journey, and I don’t have an excuse for it. I did not take time (until yesterday) to buy fresh produce or lean meats…nor have I exercised as much as I should. But I will not give up. I’ll look at today as a blank canvas and paint a rainbow of healthy choices on it.

I’m proud of myself for coming so far, but I’m ready to start losing with vigor again. I am ready to show myself and others that I’m serious about reaching my ultimate goal. I’m ready to do my best today, and that’s what I’ll do….starting now.

My Long-Awaited Journey To Pop-Tart World

After several weeks of anticipation I finally went to Pop-tarts World in Times Square. I love pop-tarts so I was more than a little excited and intrigued when I heard about the store’s opening over the summer. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I talked about going all day the morning I learned that it had opened.


So it was a little disappointing to get there and see that it was completely lame. Ha! I am so glad I went, but it was not nearly as exciting as M&M World or the Hershey store. Clark, who graciously accompanied me – and even tried pop-tart sushi with me – agreed that it left a lot to be desired. For the record, it doesn’t contain fish. We had a great time doing something silly, and now I know that pop-tart sushi will not be a required staple in my life. Ha…

It looks kind of disgusting, doesn’t it? It’s minced pop-tarts wrapped in fruit roll-ups.

I was so excited to taste the “sushi…”

Correction: I was excited until I tasted it! Ha..
The coolest part of Pop-tart World was the wallpaper in the bathroom. Just saying.

Clarky and I had a great time, and my curiosity was satisfied. It was fun to walk around Times Square looking for it, and any guy who isn’t too cool to randomly roam around Times Square with me is awesome in my book.

Would you visit Pop-tart World? Would try pop-tart sushi?