Love, or Something Like It

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and while no one will be giving me flowers or chocolates this year, love is on my mind…

There’s a man in my life, and I have feelings for him. I mentioned him for the first time here in September, and I’ve mentioned him once or twice since then. In some ways, he doesn’t fit the mold of the man that I used to envision, but in other ways he exceeds all of the dreams of a significant other that I’ve ever had.

He’s smart, incredibly humble and handsome, and he makes me laugh. He comforts me when I cry and calms me down when I get ticked off. I light up when I see him, and the big, easy smile that always appears on his face when he sees me shows me that he’s happy to see me too.

He is a great father. (Yes, Kenlie is attracted to a man who has kids.) He loves them, and they love him. The relationship he has with his children says a lot about the kind of man he strives to be, and the relationship that I have with his children makes it easy to love them too.

He doesn’t wear a suit to work, but he looks smoking hot when he does wear one. He’s successful. He works hard, but he knows that he’s blessed to have the career that he has.

He has a thankful heart, and he loves Jesus. When I began thinking about what I wanted in a man, it never occurred to me that I’d be attracted to someone who would put GOD first, but now I think it’s one of the sexiest things about him. He thinks about his actions and his words before he acts on them, and he strives to live a life that is GOD-approved. I’m trying to do the same thing, and he helps me grow in that. I help him grow too.

He stands by his beliefs (even sometimes when I think he’s dead wrong,) but he’s also amenable to change. When I make a good point, he embraces it. When he’s wrong, he’s not too prideful to admit that he’s wrong. Few things make my heart happier than watching him as he hangs on my every word before he concedes that I’m right or challenges me to think it through in a different way.

We’re good for each other. No, we’re great for each other. Whether we’re hanging out with friends into the wee hours of the night or relaxing on the sofa with his kids, or reading The Bible, we’re happy when we’re together, and people notice.

Our friends often joke about it, noting that when we’re together, we act like no one else is there. (They exaggerate, but point taken.) It is safe to assume that if we’re in the same room, we won’t be too far apart (with exception of Sunday mornings when I’m busy on stage or chatting and hugging everyone who walks through the doors of our church while he catches up with friends that he doesn’t see everyday.)

His life is so different than mine in some ways, but at the same time, he understands me. I don’t have to work hard to explain my feelings to him. They just flow naturally, and he communicates his thoughts and feelings very well most of the time too.

He knows all of my bad stuff – my darkest regrets, the lies I’ve told, the mistakes I’ve made that hurt people, the pain that I endured, my fears, and he doesn’t judge me. He just empathizes and allows me to be exactly who I am (scars, faults and all.)

He’s ten years older than I am, and he just moved into a beautiful new home in the suburbs that he had custom built, while I live in a historical high-rise downtown. He likes fishing and hunting and outdoor things, and I like shopping and traveling to new and interesting places. That said, when I step into his world, I realize that I love it, and the same happens when he steps into my little world. I’d probably even like fishing as long he handled the bait and the fish (since I’d inevitably catch some big ones!) We share a lot of friends, but he seems comfortable with everyone in my life regardless of how long he’s known them.

It’s hard to explain the connection that I feel for him because he’s not my boyfriend, yet he’s so much more than just some guy that I have a crush on. Sure, I think he’s amazing. He’s breathtaking. He makes me giddy, but it’s deeper than that. There’s something awesome and undefinable about our coexistence, but I don’t try to categorize it. I just enjoy it.

He matters to me. Our paths have crossed for a reason, though neither of us can fully explain why yet. I like to make him happy, and I want to take care of him (even though he is a full grown man who doesn’t need my protection.) I like feeling like he needs me from time to time, and I like knowing that I can depend on him to be there when I need or want him to be.

He is so special to me. I’m pretty full of joy regardless of others, but he makes my heart happy. He is the kind of man I want in my life forever – the kind of man that I’d change everything for if I had the opportunity. I cannot begin to understand why GOD has placed him in my life if he’s not meant for me, but I’m patiently waiting for Him to show me.

Lately a few friends have suggested that I express what I want in a relationship, and if I could sum it up, I’d say that I want something just like this (only adding that I want to kiss him whenever I want to.) I want the kind of relationship that I’ve just described, and I want it forever.

I want to love someone who loves me, and I want to show that man how much he is loved and desired. I want intimacy and a promise that he’ll always be there. If I can’t have that, then I’ll just continue to live life as a single person who’s thankful for everything that I do have.

 

Dear Future Mr. Kenz

I’m writing this letter to you because it makes me hopeful that you’re out there somewhere.  And lately, in my dreams, I find myself talking to you even though I can’t remember your face when I wake up.   Do we  know each other?  If we do, I don’t realize it yet so fill me in if you figure it out first, okay?

I want you to know everything about me and love me anyway, but let’s start with the basics.  I’m smart (though probably not as smart as I think I am.)   I’m strong-willed, and I don’t give up even when things get tough.  That will be good for us, won’t it?

As we get to know each other you’ll probably notice that I can be emotionally needy.  Seriously, Future Mister Kenz…I need more assurance than the average girl, but I’m trying to work through my insecurities so maybe it won’t be an issue by the time we find each other.  If it is, love me anyway, okay?   And speaking of finding each other, I’d love it if you found me.  I’ve looked for so long!  And people say that love finds you when you’re not looking so…maybe you can find me when I’m not looking?

I’ll also need you to kill spiders, take out the garbage and keep my feet warm when they’re freezing (which happens pretty often.)

And you don’t have to love Pearl Jam, but I need you to respect the fact that I love them, okay?  We’ll probably find common ground in music because my taste runs the gamut, but look…I’ll watch action movies with you if you go to concerts with me.

Now let’s talk about the important stuff…It’s  extremely important to me that you want me.  (You know, want me) in addition to loving me so show me often, okay?  I want to be the subject of your desires.  How could it be any other way if you’re in love with me?  And you have to be faithful to me too.  (Insert zero tolerance policy here.)  Right now, I’m in my early 30’s, and I’d rather stay single forever than to have my heart broken by someone who doesn’t love/want me as much as I want them.

And I don’t really care what you do for work as long as you do something that you’re good at and enjoy.  You don’t have to wear a suit and tie everyday either, but I’ll think it’s hot if you do.  And I hope you clean up well because I do, and we should look good together, right?

Oh! And speaking of being hot, you should know that I’m on a journey to look and feel better than I’ve ever felt before.  I pay attention to what I eat, and I exercise several times a week.  And while I might be at my goal by the time we fall for each other, you have to understand that this will always be an important part of my life.

I don’t drink everyday, and I cannot stand cigarettes.  I’ve gone through a lot to get where I am, and it would be amazing if you’d join me in running a 5k or a 10k or maybe in doing a triathlon.  I mean, I’m not asking you to love it as much as I do, but I hope you’ll embrace fitness.  When I’m in a race, whether you’re participating or not,  will you please try be there at the end to take a picture of me?  (Yes, I can be vain like that.)  And I take pictures of everything so get ready for that too.

There’s also something that you need to know.  I love designer handbags, sunglasses, clothes, etc.  You don’t need to know the difference between Michael Kors and Prada, and you don’t need to buy it or understand why I wish to carry an Hermes bag that costs about 5 grand.  It’s just something that I dream about, and I intend to make it happen in the future so you may want to start wrapping your head around that now.   I try not to put on heirs, but I like pretty things.  And for the record, I don’t think it has to be designer to be lovely.

You should also know that I have a few girlfriends that I loved long before you came into the picture.  Don’t worry.  I’ll introduce you, and we’ll all be friends…But sometimes I’ll want to spend time with them without you.  I’m independent, and that’s probably something you’ll like about me.  I just have to be sure we’re clear.  You can spend time with your friends or enjoying your hobbies too, but it will be fun to eat dinner with you most nights and to kiss you in the mornings.  You’ll probably just skip the pedicures, shopping for clothes and stuff like that.

Oh, and it doesn’t matter how much we love each other, I won’t share my toothbrush with you.  I just think it’s gross.  I almost always have spare toothbrushes because I replace mine often, but if we ever need another toothbrush, we’ll just go to Walgreens or something. Deal?

I read a lot, and sometimes I feel like singing.  And you should probably like my voice because “sometimes” is pretty often.  Maybe we’ll sing duets.  I also like to knit and play Scrabble (though I hate the Scrabble dictionary and refuse to use it.)  And I love almost every show on USA Network.  My favorites right now are White Collar, Suits and Necessary Roughness.  Maybe they’ll create another amazing show that we can DVR and watch together someday.

My family is important to me.  I love them with my whole heart, and they love me back.  And though Mom might take a little time to decide whether or not she likes you, they’ll all love you as long as you love me.

I won’t be perfect.  I’ll make mistakes (and try not to repeat the ones I’ve made in the past.)  And when I realize that you’re the one, I’ll do what I can to keep you.  I’ll be fiercely loyal.  I’ll  treat you with respect, always expecting it in return…I’ll cook for you (sometimes) and rub your shoulders when you need to relax. I’ll remember how you like your coffee so I can make it for you and listen to you when you’re frustrated and offer my support.  I’ll spend time with your family, pick up your clothes at the dry cleaners if they don’t deliver, and I’ll laugh at your jokes because I “get” you.

I deserve to be loved fully and completely and just as I am just as much as the next person.  I haven’t always understood that, but I do now.  And I’m looking forward to the day that you realize the same thing, and I can’t wait for the moment that I look at you and “just know.”

So maybe I don’t know you yet, but I already love you.  And I can’t wait wait to kiss you good night.

Until then….

 

 

 

Dating, Err, Not

I’m the girl who always has a boyfriend. Correction, I used to be the girl who always had a boyfriend. And the list of guys from former relationships is (mostly) good. With exception of one or two, I’ve always dated guys who were good marriage material though I’ve never married. And in some ways, I think dating guys that society deemed “a good catch” proved that I was a good catch in spite of the 200+ pounds of excess weight that I carried on my body.

Now, after losing about 130 pounds and counting, I find myself completely dateless with no particular prospects. I’ve only been on one date since December! One date! The guy was tall and handsome and nice, but he couldn’t name the vice president of the United States, and he thought I was weird for being surprised by that.

I’d love to tell you that it’s a liberating feeling – being alone, moving across the country (next month) though the truth is that it’s lonely. And it has forced me to recognize how much I’ve based my self-worth on being in relationships in the past.

Last year, after a serious breakup, I dated several guys in close succession. And while I thought that it was a good idea, I realized later that I was putting way too much pressure on myself to find love. Now, six months and one date later, I’m fighting off this feeling that maybe I’ve lost my chances. Maybe love will never find me. Or maybe (hopefully) it will…..?

I have come a long way on my weight-loss journey, but I have a long way to go. And I am starting to realize that this self-induced pressure to find my soul mate while I’m still heavier than average is understandable – yet silly. Maybe I won’t meet Mr. Right until I’m less than 150 pounds. Or maybe I’ll meet him tomorrow. Maybe I’ve met him, and I don’t know it yet.  Or maybe I’ll meet him when I settle into my new home on the other coast. (That seems logical, doesn’t it?)

Maybe the man who loves me will never know me as an overweight person. I’ve believe, for a long time, that he should, but  my Curvy Nerd friend made an excellent point earlier this week when she said “at this point, I have to do it for me and hope that whomever I meet will understand my past.”  Maybe the same will be true for me.  I’ve separated my self-worth and my my (lack of) dating life so I guess we’ll find out in time.

This journey is definitely about me.  And what’s most important right now, for me, is to recognize my value regardless. I know that I have faults, but I’m also starting to believe that I’m loveable. And I would guess that I have to know that – and really believe it – before I can find true love with someone else.  At least, that’s what the smart people say. ;)

So I’ll continue down my road to self-love, forgiveness and acceptance and hope that somewhere along the way the right person will join me.  Until then, I’ll continue to look forward to the future while appreciating the present.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I Love You!

I wrote this post about my mom on Mother’s Day 2009.  And while my life has changed a lot in the past two years, the same truths about my mother still apply.  I couldn’t ask for a better mother.  She is unconditional love personified, and I am grateful and lucky to call her Mom.

—–

I live over a thousand miles from my mom, but she’s still one of my closest friends. We talk on the phone at least once almost every day. She can be aggravating at times, but I’m guilty of that more often than she is. =) And she has always had the ability to comfort me or make me laugh regardless of how far apart we are.


She is definitely the strongest woman I know, and she’s also an incredibly talented singer. She speaks sign language and French as well (perhaps even better) than she speaks English…and she always keeps her word. She gives good hugs and makes the best fried chicken, pork roast and gumbo anyone could ever taste. And even in our roughest times, I never doubted her love for me.





She has sacrificed SO MUCH of herself and her life to be sure that my sister and I had opportunities that she didn’t have or that she knew we should have.


From the sneakers on our feet to the trips to Disney World and Europe she and my dad have provided opportunities for me that helped to mold my world view. And I will, forever, be in debt to her for that.


When I was growing up I was selfish. And I suppose I’m still pretty selfish though my mom never has been. I owe my parents everything I am and more. She rarely gets the credit she deserves, but I could never say thank you enough to Mom for helping me become the person I am. I’m so lucky to have her as a mom, and I hope she lives forever…!

Mom’s Problems With My Last Post

Mom: I’m going to say something to you, and I don’t want you to get mad.

Me: Oh no, Mom..this can’t be good. What is it?

Mom: Well, it’s just that I read your blog today.

Me: You read my blog everyday.

Mom: Yes, but today you sounded so desperate.

Me: I believe I actually even used the word “desperate” in today’s post. I don’t mean I’m desperate to settle for any old guy. You know darn well I could have done that at 20 years old or any number of times since.

Mom: But you said you like someone. Who do you like?

Me: Just this guy that I’ve been talking to a little.  I’m planning on spending some time with him next week.

Mom: Well, it sounds so forceful when you say “Make it happen.”

Me: Mom, I’m not demanding it or something.  I’m just flirting with him via my blog in case he reads it. No big deal.

Mom: And how do you know he’s all of those good things?

Me: He’s nice to me, he can do pull-ups and he can, uh, scale mountains with a 50 lb pack on his back. I’d say that’s strong, no? (Literally LOL-ing by this point) But it’s nothing to get worked up about. We’ll see what happens later.

Mom: Well, I don’t want people to think you’re desperate.

Me: Let me read a few excerpts from my blog real quick. “…I’m not willing to settle or go out with someone just because he asks.  I want quality…” 

Mom: Well, it makes more sense when I hear the inflection in your voice, but still…you’re okay how you are. You don’t need anyone to make you better. (This coming from a woman who doesn’t want me to die alone. ha)

Me: Here’s something else I said, “…I know that I am fine on my own and that I would be fine on my own for a long, long time.   And let me be clear – I do not want to go back and live in the past.  I want to move forward and be with someone who is right for me.  I don’t want to rush into a relationship or marriage either, but I want something real with someone who is strong and loyal and kind. I want to flirt, hold hands, *get butterflies*, mutually enjoy the good company and go from there.”

Interjection by step-dad: Oh whaaaaaat? You put stuff like that on your blog for everyone to read? Really? ::shakes his head in shame::

Me: I write about most things on my blog. I’ve been doing it for, you know, over two years now.  People are usually really respectful and often appreciate the personal things I share.

—–

It’s hard to explain to those who don’t blog how cathartic and all-around incredible it is to lay it all out honestly.  I realize that I say things that my parents and family don’t want to see, but I am careful to stay away from topics that would cause embarrassment and/or any other negative feelings.

But this is how I feel.  I’m far from desperate, kind of.  I’m not desperate to love someone just because they’re around.  If that were the case, I could have married my first boyfriend at 20 or a few others since.  I suppose that desperate was a poor choice of words on my part.  So…just to be clear, I mean I desperately long for someone to love who will love me back. 

And I said yesterday, I deserve someone incredible.  And I have absolutely no intention of settling for someone just because he asks me out on a date.  Seriously, I’m too busy for that kind of nonsense.  Any questions?

Snap Out of It Kenz!

I didn’t workout over the weekend (apart from gardening, walking a lot and doing my daily 101 crunches.)  I felt sore and a little under the weather, but those are nothing more than excuses.  I can’t remember the last time I skipped three days of exercise so that changes today.  My plan is to go to the gym and kill myself for about 45 minutes like I did Friday.  I felt incredible, and I’m ready for that feeling again.

In other news, I’ve been asked out a couple times lately, but I’m really only interested in going out with one guy who kind of likes me too, I think..maybe…  He’s tall and strong and smart and smokin’ hot and very busy at this time of year so we’ll see what happens there. Actually, I think he checks my blog from time to time so I better not say anything more.  Of course, if he’s reading this, I can only assume that he likes me too (unless he’s just checking my workout logs to see if I’m slacking.) So note to guy: I’d like to go out with you next week. Make it happen, okay? ;)

Meanwhile, why do I so desperately want love in my life? I’m not willing to settle or go out with someone just because he asks.  I want quality, but why can’t I just turn off these emotions and accept that I’m going through a period of change and growth? Why can’t I stop day dreaming about what could be and, instead, be happy and fulfilled alone?  Why? Why? Why?

I know I have to settle into my new life.  I know that I am fine on my own and that I would be fine on my own for a long, long time.   And let me be clear – I do not want to go back and live in the past.  I want to move forward and be with someone who is right for me.  I don’t want to rush into a relationship or marriage either, but I want something real with someone who is strong and loyal and kind. I want to flirt, hold hands, *get butterflies*, mutually enjoy the good company and go from there.

Okay so…I’m not perfect, but here’s what’s good about me.  I am funny when I’m not trying to be, smart, considerate, polite, easy-going, vocally talented, crafty, sweet, motivated to change for the better, loyal, a good kisser, supportive…I like sports and cars and love my family.  When I get angry, it doesn’t take me long to resolve it.  I’m a pretty good baker, and I’m good at other things too. =)

But I’m also overly emotional sometimes.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I’m needy sometimes and need a lot more reassurance than the average girl.  (Thank you jerks who used me and made me feel unloved for that one.)  I like chick flicks and think twitter is the best site on the web.

Maybe I haven’t always deserved an incredible guy, but I do now.  I’m not sure when or where I’ll find him…or if I’ll find him.  I wish I could shut off these desires.  I wish I didn’t care, but I do.  I usually like to end on a positive note, but I’m not trying to be negative in this post.  I just wonder why it matters to me so much.  Regardless, I’m not sure how to change it so I’ll just try to relax and not worry about it any more today.

Friend Makin’ Mondays: Valentine’s Day and My Healthy Valentine Gift

It’s Monday again, but this Monday is special because it’s a day to eat chocolate and celebrate your love or something. ;)  If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add a link at the bottom of this post so we can all see your post. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts.

 
This week’s question is:

How do you plan on celebrating Valentine’s Day? 

This is the first year in as many as I can remember in which I haven’t had a valentine.  It’s strange to think that no one will give me tulips or share a romantic dinner with me or give me a Reese’s Peanut Butter Heart.  I’d like to say that it doesn’t bother me at all, but it’s a little annoying.

I miss the fun that comes with being in a relationship, but I don’t miss the heartache that comes when it’s over so I’m going to embrace the positives and be thankful for the people in my life who do love me.  I’ll enjoy dinner, watch a cheesy and romantic movie and maybe even gift myself with a Reese’s Peanut Butter Heart that I promise not to eat all at once. ;) 

How will you celebrate today?  Are you in love? Do you love/hate this holiday?  Are you hoping to have a valentine next year?  It’s your turn to answer so do it then come back and link up!

 

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And because we already link up on Mondays on this blog, I’m going to talk about the Healthy Valentine’s Swap that Janna and I hosted this year.  By putting everything in one post, we can all link up and share the love and the fun!

I also want to share a picture of the prezzies I received from Kelly in our Healthy Valentine’s Swap!  I received my goodies from Kelly Saturday evening, and I loved EVERYTHING! =)  She knows how much I’ve missed Trader Joe’s since leaving New York so she sent a fun package filled with my favorites!  How cool is that? =)

She gave me recyclable bags, raw almonds (my favorite) and my favorite Tea Tree Oil soap.  She topped of my package with a really cute card with a sweet message inside. =)  It took about 3 minutes for me to help myself to almonds.

Thank you for the awesome gifts Kelly!  And thanks for always being such a good friend too!

Did you take part in our swap?  If so, leave a comment about your gift and link up with the FMM folks so we can see your gifts for ourselves! =)

Sex and the Shrinking Girl

Talking about sex is considered taboo at times so I usually stay away from the subject, but at this point in my life, I feel like it’s okay to discuss it.  I don’t have a boyfriend nor am I dating anyone so there are no feelings to consider or egos to protect.  Instead, I finally feel free to share my thoughts on the physical.  If you’re prude and/or easily offended (or if you were present at my birth) I still value you…please just come back tomorrow.  =)

I’m almost 5’4″, and at my heaviest weight I tipped the scales at nearly 400 pounds.  And while being intimate with someone wasn’t impossible, it was far from sexy…and even further from reality.  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I looked in the mirror and hated the girl I saw.  Recently, I described my former reflection as a stranger that I didn’t want to get to know.  When I looked at myself I saw someone who had given up, and I resented her.  I believed she was disgusting, and I believed that everyone else thought she was disgusting too. And many did.

Someone in my past even confirmed my fears by openly and respectfully (as respectfully as one can be when they’re telling you that you’re a complete turn off)  and apologetically shared that while he was attracted to other qualities he found my body repulsive.

In the beginning I didn’t blame him.  My reasoning was that if I didn’t like the way I looked then I couldn’t expect him to like it either, but somewhere along this journey my thoughts on this began to change.  I’m still overweight, but I no longer loathe myself.  And I no longer think that it’s okay to accept that someone loves me knowing he doesn’t love all of me.

After parting ways the man who shall forever remain nameless, I sought out relationships with others in a subconscious attempt to prove to myself that others thought I was attractive now.  I just wanted, perhaps needed to believe that someone thought I was beautiful after feeling as though I was broken for so long.  I needed to know that I wasn’t damaged goods.  I needed to know that it could be good again, and it was.

But after a string dates late last year (some good and some kind of horrible) I know that it’s okay to be alone now. I know now that there are guys on the planet who think I’m pretty, and I know that’s not as important as I thought it was for a while.  I also know that while there’s still a lot of work to do on the outside, there’s plenty to do on the inside too.  And being proud of myself on the inside is just as important (if not more important) than being proud of the outside.

As I said, I am not dating anyone right now, and while I enjoy kissing handsome boys and changing my Facebook status to “in a relationship” it’s not time.  It’s strange to say this, but I don’t mind as much as I thought I would.  This is a breakthrough moment coming from the girl who had her first crush at 6 years old and has had one ever since. ;)

We all know that my body is changing, but my mind is changing in ways that it never has before.  I want to be loved someday for who I am…not who I’m pretending to be or who I wish I could be.  There are people reading this blog who know the specifics (and a few who think they do) throwing stones from their glass houses, and to those people I say “Hey…I’m working on it, and if that’s not enough then too bad.”

I’m actively trying to change, and that’s the best I can do today. And while everyone else has probably known how important it is to face our inner issues all along, I’m proud of myself for seeing the importance of this now.  Maybe it’s not too late for me after all…

On Love

Khalil Gibran is one of my favorite poets, and “The Prophet” is one of my favorite books.  I don’t know how anyone could read his words On Love and not be moved.  I feel like sharing it today so take a few minutes and let his words blow your mind…

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep,
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,
‘God is in my heart,’ but rather,
‘I am in the heart of God.’
And think not you can direct the course of love,
for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night,
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I’m Just Not Ready

It has been a tough week, and I’m clearly not ready to discuss the personal things that have made it hard. I’m also not ready to discuss my string of failed relationships. Many of you have offered advice, and I deeply appreciate it. I suppose I’ll just focus on my weight-loss life and let love find me when it’s ready.

I haven’t had much of an appetite this week, but I have eaten anyway. And I have had a couple of excellent workouts so far with another one planned today. I love the gym I’ve been going to this week. It has everything I need – friendly faces, a nice cardio room and a giant lap pool.

I’m not sure when I’ll feel truly loved or wanted by another, but I will continue working on loving myself unconditionally. And maybe someday it will all click.