Disclaimer: I toot my own horn regularly, but I’ve taken it to a whole new level in this post. It’s emotional and raw, but it’s real…and it’s for me, and it has to be said.
Saturday will mark two years since the day I started living a new life – a healthier life that I decided to document from day to day on this blog. In some ways, it feels like only yesterday that I walked into the basement of a school in New York to attend my first Weight Watchers meeting.
I was filled with so much hope that day, but I really couldn’t see beyond the next few weeks. I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted to learn how to lose weight, but I was too terrified to think of what was in store for the coming months and years.
I had no idea that I’d be a regular at the gym – you know, the kind of member who shows up and sweats as opposed to just paying a fee every month. I didn’t know that I’d be able to do a 5k whenever I felt like it or that 101 crunches everyday for 100 days would seem like a piece of cake. I didn’t know that I’d love doing anterior raises with a side lunge or that I would do 50 minutes of aerobics without hesitation.
I knew I’d give up sodas for a while, but I thought I’d introduce them back into my diet by the summer. I had no idea that I’d get to a point in which I was disgusted by Dr. Pepper – a drink that practically controlled me for years.
I thought I might learn about portion size, but I had no idea that I would find such a deeply rooted connection between food and my feelings. And I certainly didn’t know that I’d still be working on that two years later.
I had no idea that I’d lose 100 pounds in about 13 months then spend the next several months fighting myself to maintain that loss while trying to heal my body, mend my very broken heart and create an entirely new existence for myself. I had no idea that I was so tough.
Exactly two years ago today, I hated the person that I was. I seemed to have everything I had always dreamed of having – a brilliant boyfriend whose favorite phrases were “I love you” and “anything your heart desires,” the most perfect dog ever and a future that seemed as bright as the sun, but I desperately wished to be someone else – anyone else. And it has taken every bit of the last 727 days to begin to understand that the person I was – the person who lied to herself and everyone around her – was not the person that I had to be. And it’s not the person I am today.
This journey of a newer, healthier life has been incredible and, at times, tumultuous. Would I change some of my actions over the last two years? Hell yes..absolutely. I’ve made some big mistakes. I’ve hurt people I loved, and I’ve burned a few bridges that I’d give anything to repair. I have faced some serious obstacles and life-changing circumstances, but this period, so far, has been the most extraordinary learning experience of my life. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m different today.
I’m still selfish sometimes. I’m still deeply flawed, and I still have some regrets and some pretty painful scars. But as I reflect on the last two years, I find myself completely humbled and grateful for the opportunity to become a person that I’m proud to be.
The finish line – you know, the weight target that I plan to reach before learning how to maintain for the rest of my life – is still way down the road. But I’ve come far enough that I am absolutely confident that I’ll get there. And I’ve learned that this journey is about so much more than just changing the outside.
My confidence wavered a bit last year, but I didn’t give up. And I’m really, really proud of myself for that. I proved to myself that I’m worth this effort, and the downward trend on the scale has begun to reflect that once again.
It’s been almost two years, 12 clothing sizes, over 100 pounds and 100 inches lost. And while I could have lost much more by this point, I’m choosing to be pleased with myself because it’s still more than I could have dreamed of on this night exactly two year ago.
If you have ever taken time to read a post or comment then I want to thank you. The unwavering support I’ve received in the last two years through this blog has played such a huge role in my success, and I expect that it will continue to have that affect in the coming year. Through my ups and downs – including my darkest hours – most of you have never stopped believing in me. You’ve reminded me that I matter…that I’m worth it…and that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
When the new year began, I found myself ready to move forward with zest once again, and it feels good. I’m really looking forward to writing a different kind of post around this time next year as even healthier, fitter girl who loves herself even more than I do today. But I also plan to take time to appreciate how far I’ve come and to appreciate moments along this journey for what they are – unique opportunities to be a little bit better today than I was yesterday.
My head is clear, and my heart is open. And I’m looking forward to making the next 368 days the best ones yet…