Category Archives: Reflection

Do You Have Anything To Add To My New Orleans Adventure List?

I met a tall, handsome and seemingly friendly guy over the weekend who (unintentionally) helped me see that I’ve been missing some of the best things my little city has to offer.

He talked about taking me to Dorignac’s, a local grocery store that has practically everything, a big Asian market on the West Bank, the king cake festival that’s coming up in my neighborhood, day trips to fun places and more.

We talked about politics and a variety of other things as well, and he made me realize that while I love my life, there’s a lot more to enjoy. I have no idea if I will hear from him again or enjoy any of them with him, but he unknowingly inspired me to make a list of things that I want to do in and around my city in 2016.

Here’s my list in no particular order:

Go to Dorignac’s (because people who know seem to think it’s the best.) While I’m at it, I should check out the new Fresh Market that opened across the street. I’ve been wanting to do that.
Explore City Park, and relax on one of the many giant swings. I’ve done this; I just want to do it more often.

Visit the WW2 Museum. I honestly cannot believe I’ve never been there. It’s walking distance from my home, and WW2 has always personally been the most compelling part of American History. I can still remember walking through concentration camps in Germany wondering how anyone was ever strong enough to endure those places.

Take a ride on the Creole Queen. During my walk yesterday I stopped to watch the boat depart, and I realized that I wished I was on it. I’ve never really even considered taking a ride down the river, which is silly because that was one of my favorite things about New York City when I lived there. The difference here is that I don’t think I’d take a sail on the roughest, deepest part of the Mississippi River! I’ll take the paddle boat instead.

Creole Queen Cruise New Orleans

Drive to Mississippi to eat barbecue at The Shed. I’ve been hearing how great this places since I moved here, and I love BBQ!

Enjoy an early morning or afternoon at the Lakefront. It’s beautiful over there! How on earth have I managed to skip that?

Eat King Cake at Sucre. I’ve done this once, but you can only do it for a little while each year. I should probably do it again because I love it. I’d love to go to the king cake festival too, but I don’t mind going to Sucre by myself. I preferred to go to the festival with good company.
Drive to Baton Rouge to buy Lush Cosmetics. Okay, I do this occasionally, but I think I need to do it more often. I’m seriously obsessed with bubble bars and bath bombs.

Ride a street car. I’ve never done it. They pass down my street, yet I’ve never done it.

Visit the Insectarium. I know it’s weird, but I want to see what it’s all about. I might even taste a bug just to say to myself that I did. In New Orleans, we eat crawfish, which are really just mud bugs so…

Go to Oak Alley Plantation. I was there over a decade ago, but I don’t remember much about it. I’d love to go there now.

Go to a Mardi Gras parade. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of want to walk down to the street during Muses and maybe a few others too. I’d definitely enjoy this one more with a tall, strong bodyguard, but we’ll see how I feel in the next week or two.

Walk down Royal Street in the French Quarter…just because it’s pretty (and nothing like Bourbon St., which is mostly awful.) I do this sometimes, but it’s been quite a while since the last time.

Eat crawfish (either at my favorite seafood restaurant, or on my rooftop. Actually, I’d like to do both.) I didn’t eat much crawfish last year, but I’m hoping to enjoy it more this year.

Drink a cafe au lait at Cafe Du Monde. I tend to do this when friends and family visit from out of town, but I like it. Why not do it more often?

I’m sure there’s a lot more to add to the list, but this feels like a good start. I’m not sure which one I’ll do first, but I’ll do a few of these in the next week. I’ll document it on Instagram too, of course.

Have you ever been to New Orleans? If so, what was your favorite part? What’s the coolest thing to do in your town?

 

Exercise, Healthy Eating (and Doughnuts)

It’s been a quiet week here, but I’m happy to report that I am down 2.6 pounds from last week. Working in an environment that promotes fitness and healthy living helps a lot. (Big surprise there, I know.) I’m obsessed with BodyCombat, and it’s becoming a regular part of my schedule now. My boss does it with me, which is nice because we can laugh at ourselves and sweat our guts out together.

I also spent time last week getting reacquainted with my neighborhood. I spend so much time in other parts of town that sometimes I forget that I live in one of the coolest neighborhoods in New Orleans. It’s also among the safest, which makes it easy to take a stroll to the river by myself.

Downtown New Orleans CBD

One day last week my walk was interrupted by cool, breezy weather and a view of the Mississippi River. The Riverwalk has a pretty nice food court now, so I bought a power-packed smoothie and found a comfortable chair and ottoman to enjoy before walking back home. Every workout should be that relaxing…seriously.

Riverwalk in New Orleans

I also climbed many flights of stairs last week. After a phone call with my pal, KeepItUpDavid, I was inspired to make a stair climbing goal. The tallest building in my neighborhood (and in New Orleans) is 55 stories, so my plan is to work my way up to the top without using an elevator. My building, which is roughly half that tall, is possible, but it takes me quite a while because my heart needs to slow down several times on the way up. I had breakfast in 55 story building this morning, and it was cool to look at the building, knowing I’d be able to reach the top at some point soon.

One Shell Square New Orleans

My eating was relatively on point last week too. I could have done better, but I did pretty well. I ate a few salads, smoked pork, rotisserie chicken breast (sans skin) and oatmeal, oranges and a few doughnut holes…Yes, I ate a few doughnut holes, then I realized that I don’t want to be a person who mindlessly eats doughnuts, so I tossed the rest. I mean, I literally threw them out of my hands when I realized what I was doing. (I did that when I ordered a few Munchkins at Dunkin’ Donuts in Boston last year too.)

Now it’s almost Wednesday, and it’s time to step up my exercise game. Last week i counted steps using my Garmin Vivofit 2, but I haven’t been as diligent in wearing it this week. I’m okay with that because I don’t want to become addicted to checking my step count, but when I realized I didn’t wear it on my short walk this morning I was bummed. (Seriously, do steps even count when we’re not tracking them??)

How’s your fitness going? What’s happening this week in your world? I’d love to hear about it.

Until then…

Where Did You Meet Your Mate?

Several of my friends have fallen in love with people they met online. Actually, I’ve done it before too. I think that finding love is wonderful regardless of how you meet, but I’m not interested in meeting anyone online now. I’m just not.

My friend, who knows me well, was surprised by my desire to stay single instead of “putting myself out there.” There are a lot of reasons for my preferences in this area, but the biggest one is that I just don’t want to.

I always envisioned meeting someone in my favorite coffee shop and falling for him, and I spent most of last year with a man who simply wasn’t right for me. I’m not saying I’ll meet the future Mr. Kenlie at a coffee shop either; I’m just saying that I don’t want to worry about it right now.

My desire is to be with someone who will complement the life that I already love, but I’d rather stay single than go out looking for him. I don’t want to be emotionally or physically attached to someone who’s not good for me, and I don’t want to waste all of my energy wishing, hoping or even praying about it.

Seriously, God knows my heart. He knows I’d like to meet someone tall, brilliant and fiercely loyal who will look adorable in our selfies, so before Christmas I decided to stop bugging Him about it. Instead I’m trying to help others, find my purpose and enjoy everything that’s already in front of me.

Is it weird that I’m so closed off to meeting someone online? I haven’t always felt this way; it’s just what I’m feeling now, at least in this season of my life.

Did you meet your spouse/significant other online? Did you ever go through a period in which you didn’t want to go that route? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this whether you’ve dated online or not.

When He Brings Up Your Weight

The last few days have been incredibly busy for me, but I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Sharing the number on the scale was embarrassing for a moment, then it became freeing. I don’t want to want my life to revolve around the numbers on the scale, but I don’t want to hide from them either.

After the conversation I had with that guy (you know the one) earlier this week, I did a lot more reflecting, meal prepping and exercising. That man is not the man for me. He’s much older than I am and more selfish than I am, but there are moments in which it feels like he cares for me deeply.

When I was sick came to my place so we could take a nap while coughing all over him, and when  he learned that my tire was flat last week he dropped everything at work to come and repair it for me.

He’s a nice man who spent months showing me that he adored me and desired me the way I am, so when he wanted to talk about my weight as we drank coffee the other day I was willing.

C: I just got a text from Walgreens saying that my prescription is ready. Do you get texts when yours are ready? (He’s in great shape, but he’s a diabetic.)

K: You know I don’t take any…

C: Well, yes. You will probably need to someday if you don’t change some habits. 

K: Uh…

C: I’m just saying that your eating habits aren’t exactly great, you know? Maybe it would be a good idea to make some changes now instead of when you’re forced to. 

K: Dude, I’ve lost so much, gained some back, etc. 

We paused to discuss some private stuff regarding my initial weight gain, then resumed our conversation. 

C: I don’t want to talk about that right now. (He already knows my history.) I want to talk about what we could do today. 

K: Yeah, I mean…it’s something I have to do, and it’s really frustrating that I let myself go backwards for so long. 

C: What can I do to help?

K: Not a thing.

C: You have to do this for yourself…not for me or anyone else. 

K: Oh, believe me…I know. It’s frustrating to think that you’d want me more if I were skinnier, but…

C: I’ve already proven my desire for you, Kenlie. You just need to make some changes. People already love you how you are. 

K: Yeah, I know. I did really well during the time period in which we were eating lunch together everyday. 

C: You need to make a schedule. 

K: I know. 

C: You don’t have to worry about everything. Just worry about what you’re doing to do today and tomorrow.

K: That’s far less overwhelming.

C: I wish we were the only two people in the world. I mean, in our world, so we could decide together that we’re going to start. Imagine how different things would be in a year. Instead we have to be careful not to end up giving each other a shot or something. 

K: Well, we know that’s not going to happen (referring to him being around for all of that.)

C: Oh, do you have a crystal ball?

K: Nope, just common sense.

C: You can’t predict the future, Kenlie.

K: Whatever. I’m going to work out now. 

It’s been an emotionally tough year for me. I mean, we constantly evolve as people, which means that some times are better than others. I just dealt with a few extended periods of stress that I’m not used to this year. I’ve also learned a lot about myself and experienced tremendous growth throughout this year.

I fought loneliness hard this year too, and it wasn’t until a few months ago that I began recognizing God as my source – for comfort, in my finances and in every other area. Yes, I knew He was there and that He loves me so much, but I have found so much strength in leaning on Him when I feel weak or lonely.

Food is connected to my emotions, and my emotions lie. They tell me that I can’t do this, or that I’d be more loved if I weren’t so fat. They say that I’m a failure because I have to try again, and they tell me that sitting at home next to my Christmas tree watching a Hallmark movie will be so much better if I have a calorie-laden hot chocolate…and cake or pie. They scream about how much easier it would be to do this is C was with me everyday to help me stick to it.

I have overcome some major obstacles in my life, and sometimes I surprise myself with cool things that I do or opportunities that arise. (Have I mentioned that I work for a gym now? I still have my regular clients, but seriously…I work at a gym.)

I know that I can do this, and I know that I have to take little steps to establish consistency and create a routine. I know that I don’t need that man in my kitchen everyday to succeed. I know that all I need is a little more gumption and to make my food intake a much higher priority than it has been.

Being skinny is not something that I find particularly appealing. Wait, that is an absolute lie. It would be awesome to be tiny, but what I want more than anything now (regarding my health) is to be in control of my body and intake. I just want to get back into the 280’s, a point in which I felt unstoppable.

I started by making a few healthy meals so it would be convenient to eat something healthy and delicious, and that’s working. I’m going to update my exercise log once in a while too. I’ll write it down and report it here (even if I’m the only one seeing it.)

My big goal right now is to plan what I’m going to eat today and tomorrow. I’ll deal with the rest as it happens. (I think rotisserie chicken is going to be my new favorite for a while. Yum.)

Is anyone else reading this and starting over? Have you already started over? If so, I’d like to hear what you’re doing.

 

 

 

Let’s Talk About How Much I Weigh Today

It’s been a while since I said anything here, and it’s been a really long while since I used this blog for its intended purpose – accountability.

When my blog disappeared from the internet recently I thought about whether or not I should keep it or let it go. Thankfully, GoDaddy recognized the mistake and restored it, but during that period I did some reflecting.

Does anyone read blogs these days?

Is blogging still a thing?

Should I let it go since it hasn’t served its intended purpose in a long time?

At some points this blog was an empowering tool, but it also led to significant pain at other points. Is any of it relevant anymore?

I’ve changed so much. Do those changes really need to be documented online?

Will anyone actually read it if I do write?

All of these thoughts and questions swirled in my mind over the 24-hour period in which it was gone. I even posed a question on Facebook asking for opinions about whether or not I should pay the $150 fee to have it restored.

Ultimately, it was fixed without the fee, and during that time I realized that I wasn’t ready to let go of it yet. I also realized that the reasons I want to keep it are personal. I didn’t mind the thought of people not reading it, but I hated the thought of losing the personal history that I’ve shared here. Sure, it only matters to me, but I’m the only person it really needs to matter to.

I weigh almost as much as I did when I started this blog nearly 7 years ago. A long time ago I lost a lot of weight, and when I stopped being diligent I became apathetic. It’s the truth, and I’m not proud of it.

This morning I weighed 357.2 pounds, only 36.4 pounds down from my highest recorded weight. Sure, I’m glad I don’t weigh 36.4 pounds more than I did when I started, but I’m headed there fast if I don’t change something. This realization makes me sad. It also embarrasses me more than words can express.

As I sat at Starbucks today with the man I used to mention vaguely here we discussed my weight, his worries regarding my long-term health and all of the excuses/reasons I have for letting my weight spiral out of control again. (I’ll share more about our conversation later.)

I know that I’m not the only person who has lost weight and gained it back. I also know that it’s possible to do it again, to hold on tighter and to start again now.

Kenlie Gym

When I got home after a busy day I hit the gym, then I prepared a healthy dinner. I’m not prepared enough or disciplined enough to plan out a month of meals right now, but I do think I can plan for tomorrow. Maybe that’s all I need to do right now.

It has been a long time since I used this blog as a tool for my weight-loss, but I’m starting now. I’m done making excuses, feeling like a failure and putting off another attempt until later. I changed my habits today, and I’m going to try to do the same again tomorrow.

Now it’s time for a cold, post-gym shower because I have a lot of work ahead of me tonight, and I’ve put it all off long enough.

 

Looking Back and Being Thankful

A few years ago, shortly after I moved to New Orleans, Mom gave me a crystal, pumpkin-shaped candy dish. I loved the pumpkin, but I didn’t want to fill it with candy because I’d eat it. So I decided to fill it with notes about why I’m thankful instead.
Kenlie Thanksgiving It was surprisingly easy to fill the pumpkin with reasons to be thankful, and I spend a lot of time reflecting on that all year.

I added to the pile last year using a different format, but it it was so much fun looking through things that made my happy and grateful in prior years.

I’m thankful for a lot of things this year too, so maybe I should make a new compilation of blessings. Does anyone else do that? If so, how to do reflect on them?

What’s Happening In Your World?

I really enjoyed and appreciated reading the wonderful responses to my last post, and it made me reminisce about the days in which I hosted ‘Friend Makin’ Mondays.” I also like “Thoughtful Thursdays,” and I decided that it was okay to write in a similar style today.

I’d love to see your responses to these questions in the comments or on your own blog. If you decide to answer please let me know, so I can head over and read your responses.

Here’s what’s happening in my world:

  1. What’s the title of the last book you read? I just finished “The Great Gatsby,” and now I’m back to reading “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer and “LoveSmart” by Dr. Phil. (Uh, judge me if you will. I probably would, but one of my lovely and well-respected friends suggested it. I’m also reading through The Bible in its entirety this year. I’m about 76% through it so far, which feels awesome for a number of reasons.
  2. What is the last thing you cooked at home? I baked an acorn squash, but technically speaking, the last thing I cooked was the divinity fudge that I made last night. It was my first attempt since moving to New Orleans, and while it wasn’t pretty, it came out very well!

    Thankfully, I'm not really tempted to eat this stuff. There's too much sugar in it (even for me.)

    Thankfully, I’m not really tempted to eat this stuff. There’s too much sugar in it (even for me.)

  3. What is your favorite thing about Fall? I love all. things. pumpkin!!!!! There, I said it. #SorryNotSorry
  4. Share one thing that challenged you at some point over the last week. I applied for a job that would be an incredible fit, and writing the cover letter was a challenge. It’s always challenging for me to eloquently say, “Hey, I’m awesome! Pick me! Pick me!”
  5. List three hobbies that you actively pursue or want to pursue. I knit, sing and read often. I enjoy a lot of other things as well.
  6. Did you watch the Democratic debate on CNN last week? Yep. It was fun to see Bernie in action across from Hillary. Even though I’m not a part of his camp (because we have differing views on some major issues) I still think he’s awesome because he was so respectful and searched for common ground in our conversation.
  7. Which company do you use for car insurance? I switched to Geico earlier this year, and I’d love to know who you all use and whether or not you’re satisfied with your choice.
  8. Have you started Christmas shopping yet? Yes. I found matching sugar/gingerbread cookie pajamas for my nieces, and I’m also knitting a new items that I plan to give as gifts as well. Last night I watched my first Christmas movie of the season.
  9. Share three things about the last person you spoke to today. 1) His name is Chris 2) We met in 2007 when we both lived in New York, and now we both live in other states. 3) He made homemade gummy candies recently, which was adorable. Now I’m totally going to make them too!
  10. Do you remember your dreams? I do sometimes. I’ve had some vivid ones lately!

Harsh Reality and A Warning

When I was at my heaviest I started having issues with my feet, and for a period of a few months I was seeing a podiatrist to get cortisone injections on my heels. It hurt so much to walk that I struggled to do little things like shop at big stores, walk out to my car in the snow, etc.

When my niece was born in 2009 I flew to Colorado and cried for hours when I arrived because my feet were so swollen that I couldn’t put on any of my shoes to go and see my family at the hospital. Even my big pair of Uggs, which I bought a size bigger than usual, was too tight to put on.

The pain was intense, and at that point I had lost about 12 pounds. I felt hopeful, but I also felt terrified. I knew that I didn’t want to live that way, and over the next few years I worked to change it.

It only took about 2 months of consistent weight-loss to make me realize that I no longer felt any pain in my feet. In fact, the constant ache was replaced by a spring in my step. I started feeling great, and life got much easier and more enjoyable at that point.

The sad, embarrassing and scary truth is that as I was rehearsing to lead worship at church today I felt pain in my heel. It was mild, and by no means did it keep me from running around all day. But it still hurts tonight.

I’m not at my heaviest weight now, but I’m close enough that it scares to think about how easy it would be to get there. I’ve gained so much weight over the last 2 years, and I don’t like it.

I’ve experienced feelings of failure and defeat, but I also realize that control is within my reach whenever I’m ready to grab it.

My habits were better in September than they’ve been in a long time, but after some emotional turmoil and stress I felt myself slipping again.

I never want to step on the scale and see the number I saw the first time I walked into Weight Watchers, which means I need to get serious. I’m committed to counting calories, and I need to work out at least 3 – 4 times a week.

I don’t want to be who I was before. I didn’t like her very much because she loathed herself too much to try. She gave up easily until she realized she was worth fighting for.

I’m worth fighting for, and I’m going to spend the next month obnoxiously posting about my workouts, food intake and everything else that I usually post about on Instagram.

It’s ridiculous to start over again and again, but it’s better than not trying. There are some cool things on the horizon, and it’s time to make sure that I’m healthy and happy enough to enjoy it.

Is anyone else struggling with weight, self-control, etc? Do you have a plan to change it? Are you succeeding? If so, what are you doing to see progress?

 

The Night Before Life Goes On

Two months ago I wrote a post about the man who held my heart. I talked about the love and affection that he lavished on me, and after several emotional days of thoughtful consideration I decided to give our relationship another try. It was so lovely after that. He was amazingly loving and supportive, and I’ve never felt as desired emotionally and physically by anyone.

Throughout time since the last post I’ve posted status updates and Instagram photos, in a not so subtle attempt to gush about my mushy feelings toward him. I’ve mentioned him here too. I don’t post photos of us, but I have them…sweet, loving photos of us embracing and kissing, and personal ones that make me smile because they remind me of his deep desire for me.

We went out of town a couple of weeks ago, and while we were at dinner we talked about our futures, fears and a myriad of other things. We continued our conversation over coffee, then we sat outside talking before entering the hotel.

He stepped outside while I was in the shower, and when he returned he took the wrong dosage of medicine, causing his blood sugar to drop significantly. (We’re talking diabetic coma low,) and it scared me. His health eventually improved, and he went to sleep. I stayed awake for hours after he slept because his breathing sounded so different than it usually does when he’s sleeping. I love him, and I needed to know he was okay.

I was tired the next day. We argued about something that really bothered me, and I overreacted. He overreacted too, and we didn’t speak again until he walked into our Starbucks on the following Monday. He came to our table and moved his chair close to mine just like he always does, and he asked if it was okay to sit there (after he was seated.) He knew it was okay, and he knew I’d be willing to talk. I was cautious, but I was friendly too. (I’m not going to let anyone change who I am, you know?)

The following day he called and asked if we could meet to talk, and I knew what was coming. His assertions that he loved me and that he was “too invested in our relationship to walk away” had been replaced with silence throughout the prior week.

Surprisingly, I was able to discuss it with him without feeling overly emotional, so he laid out the reasons he thinks we should be “friends.” His reasons included some pretty specific “reasons” that I simply don’t believe, then he said he’d prove it. The thing is, he doesn’t have anything to prove to me. He didn’t like the way I reacted, but it felt as though he was looking for an excuse to end us before that.

I’ve mentioned that he’s significantly older than I am, and the twenty year difference always bothered him. I didn’t mind, but I know that (for other reasons) I’ll be better without him than I would have been with him.

He was extraordinarily attentive while we were together. He made me feel beautiful and desired, and I affected him in a positive way too. We had some incredible moments together, but he was selfish too. I would have done anything to please him or to show him how much I valued him, but he was only willing to do those things on his terms. I think I deserve more than that; I just have to be willing to wait for it.

My heart hurt for a while. It still doesn’t feel good because being around him means there are some ups and downs, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it did yesterday. His mixed signals and gestures bothered me last week, but his selfishness made an overwhelming impact on me yesterday.

My heart feels like glass that has been shattered into tiny pieces, but I realize that it won’t always feel that way for long. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but looking back I recognize that I have wasted love on undeserving men in the past. I have also discovered the incredible courage and resilience that exists in my heart.

I may not be loved by the man who claimed to love me ( at least until recently,) but I am brave. I am quick to to forgive and humble enough to admit when I’m wrong. I am sincere enough to say that I’m sorry when I hurt someone, whether it’s intentional or not, and I’m strong enough to recognize that I will love again.

After a long and difficult day yesterday I was reminded that I am loved. I’m thankful for my friends and family who are always ready to remind me of my worth (even when I can’t see it myself.) I’m also thankful that tomorrow is a new day and that there’s a light at the end of this little tunnel.

 

Ask the Questions, and I’ll Give the Answers When I’m Ready

Over the last several months I’ve been asked why I blog and why I share my life so openly through social media, and I’ve been reflecting on those questions and my answers.

First, I think it’s important to note that I don’t say nearly as much as I used to online. I’ve been writing here for nearly 7 years. I stopped sharing as much as I used to for a few reasons:

  • Sometimes sharing my feelings isn’t worth opening myself up to criticism from strangers
  • When I got involved in a loving and accepting faith community I no longer felt as compelled to seek out virtual support because I could just get a hug from a friend if I needed one
  • I no longer need the constant validation that I once got from pouring out my feelings here
  • There are folks in the blogosphere who constantly yammer on about tolerance, yet they’re harsh when they come here to spew their intolerant nonsense
  • I stopped losing weight and started gaining instead, which made me feel like a piece of crap who doesn’t deserve to blog here anymore
  • Sometimes I don’t want people to think I’m struggling even though I am, and that’s where it gets dangerous for me

As a result of changes, personal growth and let’s be honest, embarrassment, I don’t share as much as I once did, but I’m still relatively open about my life because I don’t want to revert back to my old habits. And there are some pretty specific reasons for that too.

  • When I bottle up my feelings they eventually explode into an emotional mess.
  • It is very easy for me to let pride take over, and when that happens I don’t let anyone in.
  • Often times when I stop writing I turn to food
  • It’s much more cathartic to write here than it is to day dream about punching people in the throat. (Okay, I’m kidding…I don’t actually want to throat punch anyone, at least most of the time.)
  • it allows me to release my feelings, look at them in black and white and recognize that it’s not as bad as it seems.

Blogging may not be for everyone, but sometimes it helps me. On days like today, when my heart feels shattered by the harshness of reality, I come here because at one point there were people ready to remind me that I’m okay.

I know God loves me, and I wish I had the patience to wait on Him to heal my heart. Ultimately, that’s what I’ll do, but I’m not going to pretend I’m okay on days in which I’m not okay. And today, I’m not okay.

I could use a hug from friends and family, but I’m not with them. Instead I’m sitting in a hotel room alone, lamenting the fact that there’s no one here to hug me and kiss away my tears.

I’m worn out, and I’m hanging on to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Until then…