The last few days have been incredibly busy for me, but I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Sharing the number on the scale was embarrassing for a moment, then it became freeing. I don’t want to want my life to revolve around the numbers on the scale, but I don’t want to hide from them either.
After the conversation I had with that guy (you know the one) earlier this week, I did a lot more reflecting, meal prepping and exercising. That man is not the man for me. He’s much older than I am and more selfish than I am, but there are moments in which it feels like he cares for me deeply.
When I was sick came to my place so we could take a nap while coughing all over him, and when he learned that my tire was flat last week he dropped everything at work to come and repair it for me.
He’s a nice man who spent months showing me that he adored me and desired me the way I am, so when he wanted to talk about my weight as we drank coffee the other day I was willing.
C: I just got a text from Walgreens saying that my prescription is ready. Do you get texts when yours are ready? (He’s in great shape, but he’s a diabetic.)
K: You know I don’t take any…
C: Well, yes. You will probably need to someday if you don’t change some habits.
C: I’m just saying that your eating habits aren’t exactly great, you know? Maybe it would be a good idea to make some changes now instead of when you’re forced to.
K: Dude, I’ve lost so much, gained some back, etc.
We paused to discuss some private stuff regarding my initial weight gain, then resumed our conversation.
C: I don’t want to talk about that right now. (He already knows my history.) I want to talk about what we could do today.
K: Yeah, I mean…it’s something I have to do, and it’s really frustrating that I let myself go backwards for so long.
C: What can I do to help?
K: Not a thing.
C: You have to do this for yourself…not for me or anyone else.
K: Oh, believe me…I know. It’s frustrating to think that you’d want me more if I were skinnier, but…
C: I’ve already proven my desire for you, Kenlie. You just need to make some changes. People already love you how you are.
K: Yeah, I know. I did really well during the time period in which we were eating lunch together everyday.
C: You need to make a schedule.
K: I know.
C: You don’t have to worry about everything. Just worry about what you’re doing to do today and tomorrow.
K: That’s far less overwhelming.
C: I wish we were the only two people in the world. I mean, in our world, so we could decide together that we’re going to start. Imagine how different things would be in a year. Instead we have to be careful not to end up giving each other a shot or something.
K: Well, we know that’s not going to happen (referring to him being around for all of that.)
C: Oh, do you have a crystal ball?
K: Nope, just common sense.
C: You can’t predict the future, Kenlie.
K: Whatever. I’m going to work out now.
It’s been an emotionally tough year for me. I mean, we constantly evolve as people, which means that some times are better than others. I just dealt with a few extended periods of stress that I’m not used to this year. I’ve also learned a lot about myself and experienced tremendous growth throughout this year.
I fought loneliness hard this year too, and it wasn’t until a few months ago that I began recognizing God as my source – for comfort, in my finances and in every other area. Yes, I knew He was there and that He loves me so much, but I have found so much strength in leaning on Him when I feel weak or lonely.
Food is connected to my emotions, and my emotions lie. They tell me that I can’t do this, or that I’d be more loved if I weren’t so fat. They say that I’m a failure because I have to try again, and they tell me that sitting at home next to my Christmas tree watching a Hallmark movie will be so much better if I have a calorie-laden hot chocolate…and cake or pie. They scream about how much easier it would be to do this is C was with me everyday to help me stick to it.
I have overcome some major obstacles in my life, and sometimes I surprise myself with cool things that I do or opportunities that arise. (Have I mentioned that I work for a gym now? I still have my regular clients, but seriously…I work at a gym.)
I know that I can do this, and I know that I have to take little steps to establish consistency and create a routine. I know that I don’t need that man in my kitchen everyday to succeed. I know that all I need is a little more gumption and to make my food intake a much higher priority than it has been.
Being skinny is not something that I find particularly appealing. Wait, that is an absolute lie. It would be awesome to be tiny, but what I want more than anything now (regarding my health) is to be in control of my body and intake. I just want to get back into the 280’s, a point in which I felt unstoppable.
I started by making a few healthy meals so it would be convenient to eat something healthy and delicious, and that’s working. I’m going to update my exercise log once in a while too. I’ll write it down and report it here (even if I’m the only one seeing it.)
My big goal right now is to plan what I’m going to eat today and tomorrow. I’ll deal with the rest as it happens. (I think rotisserie chicken is going to be my new favorite for a while. Yum.)
Is anyone else reading this and starting over? Have you already started over? If so, I’d like to hear what you’re doing.