Losing Control: Seeking To Regain My Mental Grip (Not Pounds)

I knew this week could be stressful so I wrote posts in preparation for being away from the blogosphere for a while, but this post is important. I am too important to let myself regress so I’m going to workout right now then I’ll come back and write.

******

I’m back after completing a big, sweaty workout. I’m not sure how to begin this post so here it is: I feel like I’m losing control. I’m making choices that I know I don’t really want to make, and I can’t explain why I’m doing it. Over the weekend I indulged in cupcakes and sushi, but what happened on Monday that allowed my brain to think it was okay to eat Kit-Kats? Yes, you read that right..it’s plural.

Over the last few months my eating habits have spiraled, and while I don’t usually eat more than my daily POINTS allowance, I don’t feel as good as I do when I make healthy, responsible choices. I’m not happy with where I am today. I have consumed too much sodium. I have consumed too much crap in general. I started the day by eating a candy bar. What?!

It is so easy to make healthy dishes that are filling and satisfying, but it has been even easier to make lame excuses in my own mind as to why I should just grab something to go. I’m not talking about fast food here. That stuff is gross. But even if my choices could be worse, they are not nearly as good as they have been or should be.

I often say that nothing is off-limits, and that statement is true. But I could be/should be doing so much better with my food choices overall. I typically consume healthy foods (veggies, fiber rich foods, lean proteins) about 85% of the time while eating things like candy or cupcakes or hot chocolate about 15% of the time. And this strategy has worked well for me in the past. But I’m not doing that now…not even close.

When I arrived in Oklahoma over the summer, one of the first places Dad and I ate was Charlie’s Chicken. I had three fried chicken chunks, a side of mashed potatoes and fried okra. It was delicious and easily within my daily POINTS allowance, but that kind of meal is something I should have rarely. And it was the beginning of my downward spiral towards lower quality foods. Thankfully, Charlie’s Chicken is far, far away from New York, but as you can see in previous posts, I’ve managed to eat a few incredibly fattening foods here lately too.

Eating fattening, unhealthy foods is acceptable in my mind when I do it with purpose. When it is my plan to eat something unhealthy, I usually make up for it with healthy choices the rest of the day and week. But my eating and exercise habits have digressed quite a bit over the last 7 days or so. Just one week ago I wrote about regaining control, and I find myself desperately searching for the strength I found to get back in the game. I ate well a few days last week, but I haven’t had a truly healthy day since last Wednesday! This is not acceptable.

I’ve been losing just a little for far too long now. A little loss here and a little loss there is great, but I am capable of so much more! And it’s time for me to start acting like it. My choices need to be better. I feel happier with myself when I make dishes that I’m proud to post on my blog. I feel fuller and more satisfied when I eat 5 to 9 vegetables per day. And I feel proud every time I go to bed knowing that I had enough water that day.

So I’m going to say it again today. I have learned that I have many strengths on this journey, but I still have so many weaknesses. My body craves exercise and healthy foods. I know that because I feel so much better when I give my body the things it needs. I feel it after every workout. And I feel it when I feel satisfied without having a rock in my stomach.

This journey is long, and I’ve come a long way. I’ve come far enough to know that I cannot/will not go back! I love this new life even with my imperfections. I love being a gym member, swimming laps (can’t wait to find a pool again) and working on healthy, satisfying cooking projects.

Perhaps I haven’t fallen off any wagons, but I’ve been dwelling in mediocrity for too long. I have so much to accomplish and so much to live for…and even when times are tough I’m happier knowing that I’m taking care of my body and mind.

I worked out today, and I’ll do it again tomorrow. I’ll make good food choices today then do the same again tomorrow. I’ll do my best right now because that’s all we have. And right now is always a good time to make changes. I can’t do anything about yesterday, but I will do my best once again to be sure that tomorrow is better than today.

Thanks Dad…

After posting a very emotional message on my blog today I drove right by the YMCA. I skipped the elliptical machine without even looking for justification in my mind. I chose to grab dinner (an unhealthy one) then picked up a few things at the store and headed straight to Dad’s house. I didn’t expect him to be here when I arrived, but he was.

He was waiting with open arms to talk to me and just listen. He had already read the blog that I posted only moments before so we sat and talked. He shared things about his life, but mostly just listened to me as I repeated everything that I’ve said in my head a million times.

I shared my frustrations and my grief and my questions. I also shared the fact that I felt horrible about skipping my workout though not horrible enough to have done it when I had the chance. As we sat in the kitchen I began thinking about how good I feel after I exercise, and when Dad headed to bed he asked if I planned to workout. I said I knew I should, but I didn’t think I would. Then he put the DVD on and close his door, and I worked out after all.

As soon as I began the 30-Day Shred I was glad I was doing it. It’s ridiculous that my mind is so willing to fight my body. My body craves exercise, and it was as it was clear only a couple of minutes into my workout.

Now I’m sweating like crazy and in desperate need of a shower, but I feel better than I’ve felt all day. I didn’t drink water throughout the day either. Whaaaat? But I’ve had 8 glasses so far this evening, and I plan to drink a little more before bed. My goal for tonight is to consume 10 glasses.

I can’t say that I have all the answers I was searching for earlier this evening because I don’t. But I feel good knowing that I did a couple of good things for myself today. I ate more WW points than I should have because I didn’t make good choices at dinner. I ate reasonable portions throughout the day, but I ate foods that were too high in fat and calories. It would have been easy to scratch the whole day, but I didn’t. I finished strong, and today that has to be enough.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will do better. I will have that date with the elliptical machine that I talked about in my last post. I will drink water throughout the day, and I will make healthier food choices. Sometimes all we can do is take it one day at a time – one choice at a time.

I’m still not sure what the big picture looks like, but my immediate future (you know,the next 24 hours) are going to be filled with good choices. My internal hope has returned, and I’m going to cling to it as I move forward in the coming days.

Thank you all for listening today…and thank you for your continued support. It means so much more than I could ever express. Now I’ll go to sleep and wake up (hopefully) refreshed so I can face the day head on.

I’m tired of feeling sad and worried so I’m going to focus on the happy things going on in my world, and I’m going to look for joy until I find it.

They Don’t Love Me Back

I was supposed to fly home this morning, but that didn’t happen. I chose to stay a few days longer because time just moves too quickly when I’m here. I’ll miss my family when I leave, but I’m so thankful for the extra time with them now.

I haven’t posted much since I’ve been here because my mind has been focused on one thing, and it’s difficult to write about anything else. But I do need to shift my focus long enough to talk about cashews. Are they evil? No. Do I need them? No. Do I want them? Yes!

Earlier this week someone (who shall remain nameless) discovered cashews on Mom’s counter. And it’s not a regular can of cashews..it’s jumbo! I cannot imagine why anyone would need such a giant container of nuts, but we have them. And they’re not going anywhere…ha

See? This can is gigantic! The note says “Will you be happy that you ate these on Thursday? Just saying.”


I ate 3 or 4 one night with Sean that nameless guy then ate a few more after he was sleeping. For the record, a small handful is easily worth 4 WW points. The following day I found myself grabbing a couple each time I walked by them on the counter, and it hit me…I love cashews, but they don’t love me back! And hey, these things add up! I need to stop now.

When I struggle with something I write myself notes to keep myself focused on what I really want. So I grabbed a post-it and a pen and wrote a note to myself reminding me that I will not be happy that I grazed on cashews when I step on the scale next Thursday. And it worked.

I did not touch the cashews yesterday, and today I allowed myself to eat 3 cashews and nothing more. Obviously, it’s okay to eat more than 3 little nuts, but it’s not worth it to me. I prefer to get more ‘bang for my buck’ in the WW points department.

I don’t need cashews, but that’s not really the issue. This weight-loss journey is just the beginning of a lifetime of healthy habits. And my goal is simply to weigh my options and to make healthy choices from day to day. Am I perfect? Of course not. But I’m in a much better place than I was, and it feels good.

My mind is free, and my body is getting stronger day by day. These changes have not occurred overnight, and they’re far from complete. But I won’t give up because I value myself and my life far too much to do that. And I take pride in being a person who doesn’t give up.

Now I think it’s time to workout. Take that cashews!!!!

I Don’t Know

Today is weigh-in day which is usually pretty exciting. But the last few weeks have been rough, and I’m anxious to see the 100 pound milestone in the rear view mirror. I’m not sure what the result will be when I step on the scale because I haven’t really followed my regular plan in the last few days.

I have not been hungry. In fact, I’ve been sick to my stomach for a few days so I haven’t eaten as much as usual. I usually consume 35 WW points per day, and I have only eaten 26 per day since Monday. I’ve learned that it’s important to eat all of my points, and I didn’t do that this week. So what will that mean for the scale?

I worked out all week – even today which wasn’t easy. (Not feeling so great, remember?) And I have to be honest..if I don’t see a loss this week, I’ll be upset. I don’t like the feeling I get when I’m forcing myself to eat something. I’ve done it before in the hopes of losing because I’ve heard how important it is to eat enough. But this week I just couldn’t do it. Well, I suppose I could have…I just didn’t.

I ate what I felt like my body needed, and after feeling sick Monday night when I forced myself to eat broccoli, I decided to take it easy. We’ll see how it goes. I hope I’m not disappointed in myself for listening to my body.

Either way, I have to keep looking forward. I know what I’m supposed to do, and I need to do it (even when that means I need to eat more.) So wish me luck when I step on the scale. I might need it. More importantly, wish me strength. I need that too.

Do you ever struggle to eat enough? Am I the only overweight person on the planet who sometimes struggles to eat enough? Just wondering…

Will You Give Me Your Opinion?

I hate to post anything new because there is no way it’s going to be as exciting as losing 100 pounds has been. But the truth is that there’s a lot of work to be done so it’s time to continue moving forward. And I have an idea I’d like to share because I’d love to hear your opinions.

My weigh-in day is always on Thursday. I go to the early meeting to weigh-in the head back an hour later for my regular (favorite) meeting. So I eat very little all day Thursday because I don’t weigh in until after 4 pm. Then I don’t have dinner until after my meeting at 7:30 (usually a little later.) I know it’s not good to eat so little during the day, but I’ve been doing this all along. It seems to work fine.

But now there’s a meeting on Wednesday mornings at 9. The idea is that I could use the same scale to weigh-in on Wednesday mornings (because I’ve always heard it’s better to weigh in when I wake up) leaving Thursday free to be a regular day rather than waiting so late to eat the majority of my points.

I’d like your thoughts because I really value your opinions – and because it’s helpful to look at things from a different point of view. Just keep in mind that I always eat late and that I’m rarely home before 2am on Thursday nights. That being said..what do you think? Should I keep doing what I’ve been doing? Or should I try weighing in early mornings then attending my favorite meeting as usual?

I appreciate every piece of advice…thanks Friends..

It Doesn’t Get Much Better For One Point

This is currently my favorite 1 point snack. Gina has done it again creating lighter versions of my favorite foods so I can enjoy them while losing weight. This strawberry kiwi smoothie makes two servings at one point each so even if you want the whole things it’s totally worth the points! :)

Strawberry Kiwi Smoothie

Servings: 2 • Serving Size: 1 cup • Points: 1 pt
Calories: 63.6 • Fat: 0.3 g • Protein: 2.2 g • Carb: 15.8 g • Fiber: 4.9 g

* strawberry fiber one yogurt
* 5-6 strawberries
* 1 kiwi, peeled
* 1 cup ice

Blend all ingredients together and serve.

*I add a tablespoon of Fat Free Reddi Whip which adds 2.5 calories. It’s so worth it! :)

If you’re part of Weight Watchers andlooking to get the most out of your points you should definitely check out Gina’s recipe blog at SkinnyTaste.com. It’s full of delicious, lighter versions of my favorite foods. I’ve also expanded my recipe index a lot since finding her site almost a year ago.

Make the smoothie and check out her site. You’ll be glad you did.

Is This What Rock Bottom Feels Like?

Okay, so I’m being over dramatic. The truth is that I left rock bottom behind a long time ago, and I have no intention of going back. But I am seriously struggling right now. I’m exercising, staying active and drinking a lot of water, but I’m also eating way too much. This has been quite a struggle for me since I came back from vacation a few weeks ago. And enough is enough.

My super duper friend, Diz, asked if I was stressed, and I said no. But I think I spoke too soon. I mean, life is great. I’ve had an amazing weekend. But after speaking to D, I began to question myself, and I found that I am under pressure (that I’ve put myself under) to hit the 100 pound mark. This might sound ridiculous, but I’m being completely honest when I say that I feel like I’ve disappointed some people by not hitting it already. And while anyone who feels disappointed can take a hike, it has been weighing on my mind – and not in a good way.

I find myself thinking “I’ll do better tomorrow” then I find myself making choices that are even worse the following day. Today has been the most horrible eating day I’ve experienced in over a year! It’s completely unacceptable, and it has to stop now. I found myself thinking about making better choices last Sunday. And I did really well Monday through Wednesday, but that’s hardly enough to make the kind of progress I have made (and want to continue making.)

I’ve been thinking about portions a lot this week. If you’re a Weight Watchers member then you understand. When I started at WW, I had 44 points per day, and now I am at 35. I often struggled to eat enough to reach 44 points – and sometimes I struggle to eat 35. But I can safely say that it hasn’t been a problem this weekend. I’ve even used all of my flex points too which is something I rarely do.

When I had 44 points per day, it was beyond easy to eat cake from time to time while still eating several servings of fruits and veggies, whole grains and lean proteins. At 35 points, it’s harder. When I eat at home 35 points seems like an endless amount of food so I’ll be doing that over the next several days. I have to take control of myself again.

I’m a happier person when I eat well and exercise. I feel lighter on my feet, and I have much more energy. Eating poorly makes me feel gross so this phase needs to end starting right now. I have to power to make my own choices so I’m going to start making good ones immediately. I am going to get through this one day at a time. I’m going to stop saying “I’ll do better tomorrow” and start doing better now. My best will be good enough so it’s time to get started. I’m ready to see results, and I’m ready to start working for it. Today is a new day, and I’m going to make it my masterpiece.

The ABC’s of Kenz and Other Stuff

Today is weigh-in day. What can I say? I hope I have a stellar loss. I’ve worked harder this week than I have in the few weeks prior, and I’m seriously ready to reach that 100 mark. I don’t expect it to happen today, but I definitely want to see advances in that direction.

I’m thinking about giving the Bodybugg a rest in the upcoming week. I know that if I workout as usual I’ll reach my calorie deficit for the day, and frankly, it’s confusing. I feel like it’s an unnecessary distraction since I already know how much I should eat and how much I should exercise. I’m not saying I’ll give it up for good…I think I’ll just take it off tomorrow and reevaluate next week.

People have asked me if I think it’s worth the money. I don’t know. I know that it made me aware of my caloric burn while I was away, but I came back showing a loss of 2.4 pounds – about 5 pounds less than my last trip. So it’s certainly not an extraordinary device that simplifies weight loss. I’ve done better on several previous trips by simply counting food and activity points. Thank you, Weight Watchers…

It might be perfect for someone who isn’t already tracking their food and activity levels, but for me it seems like an unnecessary crutch. I was pleasantly surprised by my level of movement when I saw the numbers for myself, but was it worth $300? Nah. If I could return it today, I would. Does that mean you shouldn’t try it? Absolutely not! If you’re looking for a starting point then the Bodybugg could be a good thing. But if you asked my advice, I’d suggest investing the money in seven months at Weight Watchers instead.

Wish me luck weighing in. I know I create my own ‘luck,’ but it makes me feel better knowing that there are people wishing me skinny vibes..;)

************


On a different note, I was reading Andrea’s blog yesterday and stumbled across this cool ABC questionaire. I love stuff like this so I decided I’d post my own here. If you’d like to see her answers, check out her blog. She’s a super lady!

The ABC’s of Kenz


A) Are you a PC or a Mac?
I own both. I suppose you could say that I’m a PC by birth, and a Mac by the grace of God..I prefer Apple because they just don’t crash as often, but I’m sure I’ll always own a PC too.

B) Best show currently on TV: White Collar…even setting aside that fact that Matt Bomber is the sexiest man alive, the show is solid…I can’t wait until the new season starts in June! And in case I haven’t been clear in the past, this is what lust looks like from my eyes…


C) Chore you dislike: I don’t despise any particular chore. My lovely cleaning lady does the stuff that I wouldn’t want to do like cleaning the wood floors after a snow storm and such…I’m thankful for her and her desire for perfection in her work. :)

D) Dogs or Cats? Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Cats can be cute too, but I love dogs!

E) Essential “Start the day” items: I have to eat breakfast…I’m not a fan of eating early, but it’s so important to get my metabolism started. I do it. I usually drink a Special K Chocolate protein shake or eat Fage 2% with strawberries. I could eat Greek yogurt for breakfast and dessert. Sometimes I do.

F) Favorite Color: I’ve always loved pink, but lately I’m in love with teal and pearly shades of blue. When I got back from my last trip, my bestie said “Kenz, you’re going to turn teal!” I just know what I like. ;)

G) Gold or Silver: Silver…platinum…diamonds…

H) Height:
5’4″

I) Instrument you play: piano

J) Job: Yep…love it.

K) Kids? Nope…

L) Living where? New York, of course…!

M) Mom’s name: I call her Mom. :)

N) Nickname: Kenz is actually my nickname. :)

O) Overnight hospital stay: I hope not…

P: Pet Peeve: a wet bathroom sink…it’s bothersome.

Q) Quote from a movie: Noah from The Notebook said, “I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”

R) Righty or Lefty?
I’m a lefty…

S) Siblings:
Yes…:)

T) TV shows you watch: Big Bang Theory, White Collar, 24, Ruby, etc. Thank you, DVR.

U) Underwear: Yes? I mean…I wear it.

V) Veggies you like: squash, zucchini, green beans, turnips, carrots, sweet potatoes, onions, green peppers, spinach, baby bok choy…I’m pretty impressed with myself right now because this list could go on and on…;)

W) Ways you flirt:
I smile or bite my bottom lip or bat my eyes or giggle, etc.

X) Expiration Dates – do you keep or toss?
I keep things like unopened cream cheese, but I toss milk..

Y) Yummy foods you make: Faux Fried Chicken, Angel Cookies, Onion Rings, etc.

Z) Zoo animal you like: Giraffes are my favorite in case that was not previously clear…:) They’re just so cute!


I suppose I’ve said enough for one blog post. Don’t forget to wish me good luck on the scale…;) I’m ready for it!

Back In The Groove

Today is my first day back in New York after an outstanding week with my family in Colorado. Everything about my trip was awesome. And though my eating habits certainly could have been better – though I considered each choice as I made it – I exercised several times while I was there. We were also active everyday so I hope the scale reflects the work I did to burn off the calories I ate while I was away.

We don’t have Chick-fil-A restaurants in New York so I ate Chick-fil-A sandwiches for lunch almost everyday. (Yeah..not joking.) Their “Original” is worth 10 WW points so I skipped the fries and ate fruit instead. I also ate sushi twice, but I do that at home too. What can I say? I know what I like. ;) I ate other things that I wouldn’t normally eat like chips and queso at the Mexican restaurant and one cup of Chicken Alfredo (16 WW points per cup. Yikes!) and ice cream.

On the flip side, I ate so much Fiber One Key Lime yogurt that I’m surprised I haven’t turned green. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but I ate it once a day. I’ve mentioned it before, but that stuff is incredible! I wish I didn’t have to travel all the way to New Jersey to find it! I also ate grapes daily and ate more than the recommended amount of fiber each day. And I drank so. much. water. I always drink water, but there were some days in which I drank a gallon.

Even eating some unhealthy foods each day, I burned more calories than I took in. I mentioned in my last post that I ate “controlled amounts of garbage,” and it’s true. But I can honestly say that I feel better today eating healthy foods- lighter on my feet, more energized and ready to workout – than I did staying within my WW points eating unhealthy foods. On a side note, weeks like this definitely prove why Weight Watchers works long-term.

Since returning last night I’ve already been to the supermarket. I’ve stocked up on fruits, veggies, lean meats and milk. And while vacation was great, I’m excited to be back in my routine of healthy eating and exercise. I worked out at the gym earlier today, and now I’m heading out to do some cardio.

I’ll face the scale tomorrow, and I hope I see a loss. But whatever happens, I’ll remember that I made choices that weren’t as healthy as usual. And I’ll remind myself that I’ve already jumped back into my regular, healthy mode, full of good food and healthy choices. Next week will reflect that, and today is a new day. I choose to make it a healthy one.

How’s your week going? What kind of choices are you making?

A Different Day

I usually weigh in on Thursdays, but the meeting was canceled due to the snow so I’m weighing in today. I feel much better than I did at the beginning of the weekend. The pressure in my ear has definitely subsided, but it’s still clogged up.

This is the first time I can ever remember saying that I did not leave the house even once all weekend. I can honestly say that I laid around all day Saturday. And yesterday, I sat on the floor in my scrapbooking room/office cleaning out drawers, reorganizing my embellishments, tools and paper. I skipped a party on Saturday as well as brunch with girlfriends (which had been planned for a month.) I’d like a trophy for me efforts…just saying.

But the truth is I needed to stay in. I needed to avoid the wind, and I still need to stay out of it as much as possible. I canceled lunch with a friend today because it’s windy here today. But I will head out to my regular meeting spot, to weigh in on my regular scale and enjoy a meeting with an awesome leader. A few of my friends are going as well so it will feel a little less out of the ordinary.

But I’m nervous about stepping on the scale. I worked my butt off last week – doing 85 minutes of cardio a few times and 50 minutes of cardio on other days. I ate well too…very well. But when the power went out Thursday night (a day I usually skip workouts anyway) I started feeling a little pain in my ear. If you read the previous posts I wrote, you know that it got much worse.

So…I have not worked out since Wednesday. WEDNESDAY! My body is craving it. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to do it. But the fear of regaining the extraordinary pain in my ear has kept me from doing it.

And while I’m at it, I should mention that I haven’t eaten nearly enough since Friday. I ate half of my daily intake on Saturday and the same goes for yesterday. I did drink a lot of water and orange juice, and I forced myself to eat a little. But it felt impossible to eat enough over the weekend. My stomach felt yucky, and I couldn’t taste food.

Just to be clear, I am not making excuses for whatever happens on the scale. Instead, I’m telling you that I worked really hard last week, but try as I did, I did not do as well as I should have done over the weekend. Obviously, working out would have been a bad idea, but I should have forced myself to eat more. I tried…really. (Isn’t it odd/annoying that I need to eat more to lose weight? LOL)

So if I show a gain when I step on the scale today, I might cry. But I won’t cry because I gained, I’ll cry because sometimes life just isn’t fair. I’m tired of feeling sick…tired of not being able to workout at full capacity. I want it. I need it. So many people hate working out; I LOVE it! I just want to be able to do the work that I’m perfectly willing to do!

A good friend put it all in perspective this weekend when she said “Hey..aren’t you trying to do more than lose weight? Aren’t you trying to be healthy too?”

Yes…I am trying to be healthy not just skinny. So I know that whatever the scale says today, it will be a small part of my overall success – good or bad. I just want it to be good because I’m human. And because I work hard. And because I like reaching my goals in a timely manner.

So wish me luck today because I’ll probably need it. Regardless, I need to take a step back and remind myself that there will be ups and downs in life. But the fact remains that the down times are few compared to the positives. And I need to remember that at some point I will feel better.

No matter how cold the winter there’s a springtime ahead.” – Pearl Jam

Those lyrics have taken me through some rough times in the past, and I’m going to let them take me through this today. I just pray that the hard work I usually do/did last week will be evident in the numbers too.

How do you handle being sick? How do you get your mind off of things you know you can’t do until you feel better? How do you keep it all in perspective?