Tag Archives: Exercise

Let’s Talk About How Much I Weigh Today

I weight 343 pounds. At my lowest I weighed 284 pounds. I realize that the second number is still obese, but I felt much better about myself at that weight than I do now. I’ve managed to stave off gaining for several months now. I’ve even lost a little, but I’m keenly aware of how much I need to make a change.


How many times can I say that I know I need to do something about it? How many times can I admit that I find it hard to ask God to help me in this area of my life? Am I the only one who wishes that I could shed the extra weight without sacrifice? Am I the only person my size who can’t seem to grasp the importance of making my body healthy?

I continue to say ‘NO’ to doughnuts even when they’re staring me in the face, but that’s not enough. I need to break my addiction to instant gratification. I need to look at the big picture instead of the immediate one.

It would be easier to give up my blog and forget that I started something that needs to be finished here. It would be easier to write the new one without any thought to the old one, but that’s not what’s best for me. It’s not making me healthier, and I’m not going to allow myself to feel ashamed of the changes that I need to make.

My goal was to have two blogs so I could focus on the other one, but I’m going to rename this one when I figure out exactly how to do it. It just sums up who I am in a better way now.

I miss the friends that I’ve made here, and I like knowing that there are people who understand what I’m going through.


So…I’m back.


My January Goal

Today was a long and productive day, but I’m not feeling well right now. My head has been aching since late this afternoon, and I feel nauseated as well. I did’t eat much for lunch, and i skipped dinner completely because I can’t even think about food without feeling sick.

In spite of how awful I feel right now, I’m happy because I reached my goal of losing ten pounds in January. I even did it with a few days left to spare. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but numbers like that are life changing over the course of a year. I’m trying not to think about it like that though. Instead I’m just focusing on losing another 10 pounds over the next 30 days.

I’ve been losing weight consistently for the last several weeks, and I can honestly say that I forgot how good it feels. I forgot how empowering it feels to drive by Krispy Kreme without feeling tempted to eat a thousand extra calories of crap.

It feels good to remember. I wish I could remember how awesome the rush of endorphins feel after a heart-pumping workout. Exercise used to be a regular thing in my life, but I spent a lot of time not prioritizing it last year. I want 2015 to be different, which means that I have to make choices that aren’t always comfortable if I really want to accomplish that.

I’ve done some key things differently lately:

– I have chosen salads and healthy wraps over burgers and oversized burritos.

– I’ve continued to avoid sugary drinks at Starbucks even though I’m still there almost daily.

– I skipped dessert again today, after indulging in it over the weekend after 21 days of avoiding them completely.

– I’ve continued to say no to doughnuts. I haven’t had one since September, and right now I don’t miss them. It feels great to say no to them.

– I have asked God to give me strength to make healthier choices.

– I’ve taken time to buy fresh produce and prepare it at home along with other healthy foods.

There’s still so much more that I need to do! Exercise needs to become a regular thing again. I’m not sure why I currently dread something that brings me so much satisfaction, but it’s time to change that. It took some time before, and I realize that if I start making it a habit whether I like it or not, I’ll probably love it again soon.

January has been a successful month for my health, and I hope to do better in February.

Changing My Mindset

Right now my head hurts, and I feel a little achy. I’m not officially sick, but I feel like whining. I’m tired even though I shouldn’t be. I’m stressed even though I know that stress typically passes. I’m just don’t feel great. I don’t feel like myself. Instead I feel like crawling under the blankets in my bed and watching Christmas movies until it’s an acceptable time to sleep. (Okay, the Christmas part sounds like me, but  the watching TV in bed is definitely not normal in my world.)

I’m not at home because I had class today, which was followed by a tutoring session and church. (Once a month we have a service on Wednesday evenings,) and now I’m planning to meet someone for coffee. It has been a busy afternoon and evening, and I’m looking forward to sleeping.

I’ve been thinking about what I could do to improve my health between now and the end of the year. I feel like the sugar thing is under control now more than it has been in a long time, and someone who knows me made a statement earlier today that resonated with me. We were talking about adding more goals that would help me get a better grip on my health, and I’ve been thinking about his response a lot this evening.

He said, “You were really great at it when it was a priority.”

We all know that it’s true. There was a time in which I felt like I had it figured out, and now it’s embarrassing to admit that I didn’t have whatever was necessary to keep it up. I think about my failures a lot, and for a long time, I’ve used them as an excuse to refrain from trying.

The last six weeks or so have been better. I’m eating less sugary crap, but I’m not exercising much. I did a 10k with a friend one day last week, and I walked a few times in the month before that. It’s just not enough. It’s a decent start, but I want that feeling that I used to have when I knew I’d workout everyday.

I want the endorphin rush, and I want to feel the consistency that I felt exercise even when I wasn’t eating as well as I should. I’m seeing the numbers decrease just a little, and I know that if I add some exercise back into my daily routine, I’ll see those little sacrifices add up to a lot of success.

My mindset needs to change. I’ve been lazy in fitness most of this year, but that’s something that I can change right now. I don’t even have to leave home to sweat it out. I have several awesome workout DVD’s, several flights of stairs and a gym at the top of my building. What else do I need? Motivation? Inspiration? Willingness?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, but I think I need to spend time doing it (and figuring the rest out later if I still think it matters.)

I need to change my mindset. I’m careful not to “fake it ’til I make it” because that attitude has gotten me into trouble in the past, but in this case, I’m pretty sure that it’s okay.

My weight and health hasn’t been a priority in a long time, but I’ve (successfully) trying to shift that lately. I will remind myself that I’m not going to miss anything important by heading out an hour later than normal. Actually, I’ll be using that time to do something important – to better myself. Few things are more important than our health, and it’s time to adjust my priorities.

It’s not Monday or the first day of the month. This day carries no particular significance, but it’s the day that I can decide to do something good for myself. It’s a day that I get to live without pain or illness. It’s a day in which I get to breathe and enjoy my life, and I’m going to respect that gift by doing something good with it.




Skinny vs. Obese….

I’m a pretty good student.  Actually, I’m a stellar student, and today I almost threw that out of the window to walk out of class.  I attend an amazing university, and I’m incredibly thankful for the opportunity to be here.

One of my classes this semester is focused on exercise and nutrition.  I was looking forward to this class because I’m so interested in health and wellness, and I feel as though I have a pretty good grasp on it.

Sadly, I’m not enjoying the class at all. It’s not because it’s difficult, nor is it uninteresting. It just fees horrible to be silently judged due to my size. It happens at times, but I can count on it happening every time I enter this class.

It’s hard to imagine that people still believe that obese people must eat fried chicken, Cheetos and Oreos for dinner after they spend the day being completely sedentary. Seriously, I know that stereotypes exist, but this is a class filled with bright minds. How can they possibly believe that all skinny people are healthy and obese people are lazy?

Being obese increases health risks. I get it. I’m not saying that people who weigh 300 pounds are healthy, but as someone who lost a sizable amount of weight, I know that I have decreased my chances of having a heart attack or stroke. My blood pressure is perfect, as is my good sugar and cholesterol. I exercise several times a week, and I eat fruits and vegetables.  I rarely spend more than a few minutes sitting on my sofa watching TV, and often times, I take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator.

I eat more than I should if I want to lose weight, but I treat my body with more respect than many people I know who are smaller than I am. I know that it’s not a competition between me and anyone else, but when I sit in class listening to average sized people talk about the obesity epidemic while they eat Doritos, I get a little indignant.

It’s annoying to be judged so quickly and harshly, but it’s reality for those who weigh more than average. I know this better than most, yet I still find myself amazed and disgusted.

Are you/have you ever felt awkward because people were stereotyping people your size?

A Quick Update

It’s been a good week, but I’m excited that it’s Friday.  I have a busy weekend of fun things planned, and it will start with sushi and a hot tub/pool party with a few friends tonight.  There’s a lot more coming up, and I’m sure I’ll share more than anyone wants to know about it later. 😉

I’m enjoying making it through Bikram Yoga, and I noticed a distinct improvement in myself yesterday.  I was able to do a posture that I hadn’t been able to do previously, and it helped me push through the rest.  I also noticed that I’m exhausted when I’m done.

I typically exercise in the evenings, but I have been doing Bikram in the mornings.  I actually took a nap before class yesterday because there was no way I would have made it through a three hour lecture (no matter how interesting it was) without one.  I might try some evening classes next week, but maybe not.  I like getting it done early, and I’m guessing that my body will adjust if I keep doing it.

In giving Bikram an honest try, I’ve also imposed a cupcake ban in my kitchen that will last indefinitely. My plan is to refrain from eating one until my birthday because I’ve had too many bites and tastes recently.  After being asked to make them for some events, I figured I could do it without eating them, but that’s a lofty goal for someone who isn’t a sugar addict.  It was just silly for me to think that I could do it.  Even if I could, why should I torture myself?

I love to bake, and I’ll still do it.  That said, I’m going to stay away from baking cupcakes for the next month as I try to reform some of my habits.  I made a decision to work on making healthy food choices, and I’m feeling good about it.  My goal is to wait to step on the scale until my birthday, and at that point,  I hope to see some positive results.

I don’t really have anything else to share today.  I’m feeling a little giddy for reasons that I may or may not get into at some point later,  and I’m looking forward to the good things I mentioned.  Right now it’s time to sleep so I can be productive tomorrow.  (Have I mentioned that I’m exhausted?)

Until later, friends……





Forget Yesterday

Okay, so it sounds like everyone agrees that my 1,200 calorie target is silly.  (Thank God!)  I’ve never been a successful calorie counter, and I’m taking a break from Weight Watchers (which has worked incredibly well for me in the past.)  So…What do I do?  I don’t really know, thus the reason I’m here struggling to figure it out.  I’m tired of being a slave to points, but how is being a slave to calories any different?

Weight Watchers taught me a lot about portions and guidelines for healthier living, and I know that it’s better to eat cantaloupe than a cupcake.  I know that I can eat as much fresh baby spinach as I want to eat without it adversely affecting my goals.  I know that it’s better to eat lean protein and lots of veggies than it is to eat fried junk food.  I know what  healthy diet looks like, and that’s what I’m going to try to do over the next 29 days.

I’m not obese because I don’t know what to eat.  I’m obese because I don’t do the things that I know I should be doing I’m spending my birthday in DC and birthday weekend in NY.  For me those things include tracking my food.  (When I write it down, I think a lot more before I eat.)

I also need to find my exercise groove again too.  I’m bored at the gym, really bored so I need to make some changes in that area.  I signed up for a week of Bikram Yoga, and if it goes well I will sign up for a month.

My commitment to myself for the next month is to stop telling myself  that I’ll deal with this tomorrow and to make little choices that I know are good for me.   I’m going to start by heading up to the gym since that’s all I have time for today (boring or not.)



Baking, Bruises and Bouncing Back

Today is weigh-in day, but I’m out of town so I won’t officially weigh in until next week.  My scale at home told me that I was down almost two pounds, but I know that I can do more than I’m doing.  That will be my goal for the upcoming week.

My brain has been scattered this week, and I know that I need to get more sleep.  I know that my workouts will be longer and more effective if I’m not exhausted, and I won’t make mistakes like I did yesterday.  I’ve been taking the stairs to get to the roof of my tall building (where the gym is,) and my legs were feeling it yesterday.  I stepped onto the treadmill to do inclined intervals, and as I was stepping off, I twisted my ankle a little.  It’s not so bad that I can’t walk, but there’s a bruise just about my ankle bone that is screaming at me today.  I did manage to do some floor exercises too before heading back downstairs to shower and pack.


Today will be a rest day which should be okay because I’ve planned out my meals.  I’ve been dodging cupcakes more than usual this week, but that’s over for now.  I baked over 100 red velvet cupcakes Monday for a movie themed party (that I did not attend,) and I didn’t eat them.  I didn’t even taste them, but I did receive compliments on them which made me happy.



(Photos: Courtesy of Graceful Event Productions)

I whipped up a batch of tie dye cupcakes for game night at a friend’s house Tuesday too.  I tried those so I can tell you that they were good.  I didn’t take any with me when I left because I knew that if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t eat them.  As long as I can stick to that plan I should be okay.


Baking allows me to feel artistic, but it’s a complicated practice when you’re addicted to sweets.  I don’t eat them nearly as often as I talk about them, but I know that I have to be careful.  I like them too much.

I’m baking a little more often (and on a larger scale) lately, and I’ve given some serious thought to whether or not it’s something I can do.  I haven’t decided yet.  I thought about whether or not I should mention it here too.  I know that by discussing this I’ll be judged harshly by some, but I’m judged by them anyway so why not?   This blog is about my life, and it’s something that I’ve been doing lately.

I also shopped for dresses this week because I am seeing His Holiness the Dalai Lama speak Saturday, and I want to look my best.  I chose two dresses, and I’ll probably definitely post photos on Facebook and Twitter to ask which one I should wear.

It has been a good week, but it has also been long.  And it’s not over yet.  Is anyone else ready for the weekend?  What do you have planned?


Common Sense and Resentment

Last week I was talking with a friend about the quiet struggles I have faced as someone who needs to lose an incredible amount of weight.  It seems as though many of us reach that first giant milestone before allowing ourselves to hover around the same weight.  I’m not the only one in the world who has done this, and I’d like to delve into some of the reasons I’ve allowed myself to do it for so long.

I feel like I’m coming out of a tough place in which I have spent far too long being stagnant.  I’m a month into my new Weight Watchers meeting now, and the weight is coming off slowly again.  The most important part of the prior sentence is that it is coming off again, but some days, some weeks, I want food more than I want to see healthy results.  I experienced that earlier this week, and the only solution is to admit it and move on.

Anyone who has ever been overweight or been close to someone who has been overweight probably knows that emotions play a big role in the way that we consume food.  I don’t sit around and eat and eat and eat everyday.  I wouldn’t have kept off the majority of what I’ve lost if that were the case.  I’m not eating 2,000 calories a day more than I should, but I am eating a few hundred more than I should if I want to lose weight.  Period.

It’s easy to tell someone how to change it.  “Eat less. Move more.”  Those words make sense, of course, but we all know the obvious stuff already.  The note that I need on my cabinet would say something like, “The food will taste good for a few minutes, but think of how incredible you feel when you’re really in control.”

It’s so easy to forget that weight-loss is a mental challenge more than a physical one. I push myself hard at the gym, and these days Ron pushes me harder.


It’s an incredible feeling to accomplish things that seemed impossible before I did it.  Earlier this week, he walked in while I was working out on my own and asked me to jump.  He asked me to do a few more things, and before I knew it I was doing jumping jacks.  I’ve been modifying them for years, and now I can do them just like everyone else.  I felt so incredible, so normal, that I cried.

It’s hard to feel like I’ve come so far and still struggle so much with just eating a bit less on a regular basis.  I eat fruits and vegetables and lean protein, but I find myself struggling with my desire to eat extra, unhealthy things most evenings.

I fight feelings of resentment because friends who exercise can throw back a few beverages and an unhealthy meal and just work it off at the gym.  I also fight feelings of resentment when I think about how I’ve lost more weight than many people ever dream of losing, and it’s just the tip of the iceberg for me.  I get tired of hearing what I should be doing from people who haven’t accomplished as much as I have, and I get frustrated by those who assume that I sit around and eat Cheetos all day.  If I did that, I would have gained the weight that I lost back, plus some!

The last couple of months have opened my eyes to the fact that these feelings of resentment don’t solve the problem.  They don’t make me feel better about myself, and they don’t bring my closer to my goals.

I know that I have to accept that this is my life, my struggle and my journey.  I know that the opinions of others shouldn’t matter to me, and they don’t carry much weight as they used to.  Instead, I am focusing on the fact that I am making progress again.  It could be faster, but it’s better than being complacent.

Yesterday would have been weigh-in day, but for reasons that were out of my control, I didn’t weigh in today.  My plan is to go to a Weight Watchers meeting Monday since I’ll miss next Thursday, and I feel confident that I’ll see a loss.  I’m looking forward to heading out of town, but I plan to stay on track this week and while I’m gone as well.

This journey is not easy for me, but I am still working my way into a healthier place.  I’m going to try hard to make this a healthy week, and I’m going to do my best to squelch any negativity or feelings of complacency that try to creep into my mind.   My goal is to be consistent in making smart choices.

Do you ever struggle with resentment as you work to better yourself?



Workouts and Food

It’s almost weigh-in day, and I’m nervous because of my food choices over the weekend.  I made better choices than I have in years past, but I still ate things that weren’t healthy so it won’t be a surprise if I don’t see a loss.

Since coming home I have eaten more vegetables and protein, and I have continued doing intense workouts that include cardio and strength training.  I feel like I’m in control of my workouts and my food now so I hope to see some positive losses in the weeks to come. I’d like to see the scale move down at least a tad, but I know that I need to be more focused on healthy food choices regardless.

I trained with Ron today, and I was exhausted when we finished.  I don’t typically nap, but I strongly considered it around 7 pm.  I laid on my sofa as I talked on the phone and fought drowsiness, but in the end I didn’t sleep.  Instead, I did a few things around the house, then headed up to the gym for workout #2.


After an exhausting and session with my trainer, I felt motivated to go again (by someone I know who has been doing two-a-days lately) so I did it too.  I did cardio circuits for 45 minutes tonight, and I can safely say that I burned over 1,000 calories again yesterday.


I’m exhausted, and I’m ready for a solid night of sleep.  What happens on the scale will happen, but I’m going to keep working hard and reminding myself that it’s easier to skip unhealthy foods than it is to work them off.  I have trained hard today and tracked everything I ate.  I’m going to focus on making food choices that enhance the work I’m doing in the gym and continue to stay in control.

What are you doing to be healthy today?



Maybe Admitting It Will Help

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think I need to face some fears that I have when I think about my goals in weight-loss and in other parts of my life as well.  I know that I need to believe in myself in order to succeed, but confidence is something I have struggled with for the last couple of years.

Today someone told me that I need to envision myself at my goal in order to get there.  I need to imagine it in order to believe it can happen, but right now it’s almost impossible to imagine.  I know that I want it, and I’m still going strong in my 90 days of change, making choices day to day to accomplish my goal.  I need to start believing that I can do it so I’m going to start reminding myself that I can every single day.

I’m not sure why I allow myself to spend so much time and emotion worrying that I won’t live up to the expectations that I’ve set for myself.  When I look at my life objectively, I see that I’m on my way to making a success out of myself.  I just can’t allow myself to forget that if I do the work, I’ll reach my goals.

If I eat healthy food consistently and exercise regularly, I will lose weight.  I also need to remember that losing as much as I lost in 2009/2010 was not a fluke.  There were no tricks or shortcuts.  I just made good choices most of the time, and as a result, I saw the numbers on the scale decrease.    I need to remember that if I want this to happen I’m in control, and I am trying.

Over the weekend, I faced major challenges at the annual party that I have attended with Mom over the last few years.  We both went in with a plan to make it through the day without overindulging, and we both did it.  Shortly after we arrived, we participated in personal health screenings, and my blood pressure and blood sugar were both excellent.  My BMI needs to decrease substantially, but I’m trying!


Seeing those positive numbers reminded me that my healthy choices are paying off, and it was much easier to enjoy the day without overindulging in BBQ, cupcakes and a myriad of other desserts.

I feel like I’m in a decent place, but there’s still a lot of room for improvement.  My workouts have been consistently good, and I have another training session tomorrow afternoon.  I  am taking control one choice at a time, and I hope that at some point soon I’ll realize that doing that will make me successful.

Do you/did you envision yourself at your goal?  Have you ever struggled with self-confidence?  If so, how did you change it?