Tag Archives: Food

Airplanes and Food

Blogging is one of my favorite things to do on an airplane, and right now I’m fired up so I want to discuss the ridiculousness that is food choices. (Don’t judge me. It’s 9:22 pm, and I haven’t had dinner.)

I’m on a flight from New York to New Orleans. We were delayed over an hour one we boarded, which is nothing compared to the several hours of delays I faced on the way to New York. Now it’s time for dinner, and I don’t have any reasonable options.

While visiting the city that never sleeps, I found myself in bed relatively early every night. I slept so well every night, and I’m looking forward to climbing under the blankets in my own bed tonight.

Going to bed significantly earlier means that I need to eat dinner earlier too, but that’s not going to happen tonight. My options on the plane, apart from the complimentary pretzels, cookies and peanuts, are potato chips or trail mix. (Really, Delta?)

It’s not just Delta though. Sadly, apart from first-class flights from L.A. to New York, I’ve never had very good options, and that’s aggravating. They serve up drinks that I’m not interested in so I ask for water, which is fine. They’re not flying us around for free so I just wonder why the airlines can’t do better than overpriced Pringles and trail mix.

I’d be willing to pay ten bucks for a sandwich, snap peas and hummus or something similar on a 3-hour evening flight, but that’s not an option today. Instead I’ll just sit back, relax and be happy that I’ll be able to make better choices tomorrow.

What do you think about airplane food? Do you have any ideas regarding how they could offer better choices in flight?

The More I Learn, The More I Realize That There’s So Much That I Don’t Know

There’s no question when it comes to whether or not I am as perfect as I can be already. I’m not. I have so much to learn, but often times, what holds me back is in inability to admit that I still have so much to learn.

I know that I need to eat less, move more, etc. What I struggle to understand is why I want to eat so much so often. Delving into the associated feelings to find an answer threatens to put me in a place in which I have to feel some uncomfortable things.

Why do I feel such a strong urge to go out of my way to make a stop at Krispy Kreme on my way home from a certain man’s house? Am I sabotaging myself since he doesn’t love me quite enough? Am I trying to fill a void? Am I depressed because I’m not getting what I want when I want it?

I could answer yes to all of these questions, but in thinking about these things, I find myself trying to put on a face of bravery or indifference to spare myself from feeling those unhappy feelings.

I have so many reasons to be thankful, and I am. I have so much. I
struggle to admit that I still want more (in relationships, in weight-loss, in everything…) because I don’t want to seem ungrateful for everything that I do have.

Gaining control of my life is obviously a multi-faceted process, and I’m not succeeding in all of the areas yet. Overall, I’m happy more often than I’m sad. I’m thankful more often than I’m envious. I’m at peace more often than I’m stressed.

I’m in a good place, but I’d like to get to an even better place. Can I do that without trudging through some uncomfortable emotions to get there? Probably definitely not.

It’s not always easy to love myself just because (not because I lost some weight or because I’m doing well in school or because I’ve accomplished x, y or z) just because, but it’s getting easier.

I’m learning that my existence (my purpose) is to learn and change and grow. I want to impact others with my positive attitude and with my willingness to try and fail and try again.

Success isn’t about getting from point A to point B without making mistakes. It’s about continuing to fight through obstacles and starting over when necessary. It’s about understanding who you are and what your purpose is, and then turning those thoughts into action.

It’s Not Only About The Numbers

I don’t talk about my weight or (lack of) efforts here much here because I don’t see the point in it. I’ve gained weight, and I don’t like it. I know that I need to make some changes if I want my weight to change, blah, blah, blah…

I’d like to start seeing the numbers decrease again, but more importantly, I’d like to regain control of my habits.

It was a pretty simple process for me. Eat mostly healthy food, track it and exercise. Simple enough, but it’s not something that I’ve been focused on over the last year. I haven’t exactly given up on reaching my health goals, but I haven’t done anything to achieve them in a long, long time – until last week.

There’s something about Fitbloggin that makes you believe that you can do anything. It could be the fact that there are hundreds of people in the same place who recognize that it’s not easy even though they also realize it’s possible.

When I got home from Savannah I decided to make a simple change. I didn’t worry about changing anything except this – I decided to track my food.

It’s astoundingly easy to pass on the doughnuts when you’re calculating the calories and fat in them. For me, tracking food makes it real. I want to be proud of the things that I write down so I make better decisions. I drink more water. I try harder to do healthy things, and I feel better as a result.

I’m a week into tracking, and I don’t know what the scale says. I don’t care what it says, but I know my body. I know that I weigh a little less than I did last week because I’ve made good choices. That realization leads me to want to make more good choices.

Maybe I don’t have it all figured out, and maybe it will still be a struggle. Regardless, it’s been a long time since my food choices were intentional, and it makes me feel good.

Has anyone else noticed a difference in your food choices due to journaling them? Am I the only one who chooses an apple over a cookie when I know I’m about to write it down?

Friend Makin’ Mondays: Food Matters

Each week, as I write FMM, I come up with questions based on whatever is swirling around in my head, and this week, I am thinking about  an important vote happening in the state of Washington tomorrow.   Voters will be making a decision on whether or not to label genetically engineered foods, and if I lived in the state, I’d vote YES on 522.

There are so many questions and fears surrounding GMO’s, and I don’t have all of the answers.  What I do think is that we have a right – a responsibility really – to know what we’re eating.  Labeling foods that contain GMO’s means that most food that we see on shelves will be labeled, but there’s power in knowing what we’re consuming so I support it.

We already expect to see labels with nutritional info things like chips, drinks and other things so why would we choose to leave out this particular piece of information?  What’s the down side?  If we know what the food is made of, then we have the ability to make an informed decision about what we’re eating.  That’s my opinion, and now I’d like to hear yours!

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If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

 

Food Matters

1. Are you familiar with GMO’s?  Is it an issue that matters to you?  I have learned a lot about it recently, but there’s so much that I still don’t understand.  I think it is important to know what we’re consuming so I support the bill in Washington.

2.  List a few items that are typically on your grocery list.  Fresh baby spinach, San Pellegrino, Bananas, Apples…

3.  What is your favorite place to shop for produce?  I buy most of my produce at Sam’s Club and Whole Foods.  I used to shop at Trader Joe’s regularly too, and now that we have on here, I’ll be able to buy food there.  I’m really excited about that!  It opened Friday! 🙂

4. Do you eat processed foods?  Yep…sometimes I do.  I do it more than I should, but I try to eat a lot of whole foods as well.

5.  Do you look for the “organic” label when you shop?  I shop at the stores I listed above most so a lot of it is organic.  It isn’t always a requirement though…

6. What did you eat for breakfast this morning?  I drank a green smoothie that I prepared last night.  Eating vegetables at breakfast is much easier when they’re blended with delicious fruit and ice.

7.  How many meals per week do you cook at home?  I don’t cook at home nearly enough, but I’m trying to change that.  I just need to spend more time here to make that happen.  I did some meal prep for the week so I’m looking forward to a week of eating healthy meals at home and on-the-go.

8. Do you think that foods that have been genetically engineered should be labeled? Yep!  I think it’s important to know what we’re eating so we can make the call.  Over 60 countries around the world require labels for foods that have been genetically engineered.  Again, what’s the down side of being informed?

9. What matters most to you when you’re choosing a restaurant?  Hmm, I like a nice atmosphere and delicious, real food.

10.  What is your favorite meal to cook at home?  I have had some positive experiences with roasts lately.  I don’t eat a lot of red meat, but I’m really glad that I can make a tasty roast.  Pork roast is another favorite.

 

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions!  Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments, and have a happy Monday, friends!

 

Healthy Eating, Or Habits That Seem Nearly Impossible

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends this week, and I’m tired.  Some fantastic things have been happening in my life, but I find myself struggling with food choices…still.

The struggle isn’t new.  The desire to change it isn’t new.  The mental block that keeps me from making the changes I need to make isn’t new.

My struggles don’t actually pertain to food.  I know that.  They’re built up inside my mind, and changing the way I think will change the way I operate.  I know.  I know.  I know.

I’ve been crushing my 10,000 steps a day goal this month, and by the end of the week I will have exceeded 250,000 steps for the month of August.  I feel great about the cardio part, but I continue to feel crummy about the food part.

I know that I need to change my eating habits.  I also know that it’s not cool to munch on near an entire bag of chips and salsa on my sofa while I watch a movie with friends. (Yes, I did that.  No, I don’t usually do that.)

It’s hard.  I know. I get it.  I need help with this, but the help has to come from within me.  Making small changes has led to big results for me in the past so I’m going to incorporate some small changes starting now.  Here’s what I plan to do:

– Track my food intake – it’s such a simple way to help myself succeed.  Why did I stop doing it?

– Replace one meal a day with a salad for the next few weeks.

– Drink more water.

It’s a struggle.  People try and fail and succeed and fail and try again at this all the time.  I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with the food they eat, but it’s my responsibility to fix me.  Trying again…

 

 

Ideas for Tackling Food Cravings?

As I was reading blogs this morning I came across a post about strategies to tackle food demons, and I started thinking about what I can do to control my own cravings.

I often crave food when I’m not hungry.  In my mind it doesn’t matter if I’m happy, sad, stressed, lonely, bored, etc.  My mind automatically assumes that situations will be more gratifying if food is involved, and I’ve been attempting to change that mindset for years.  I still have a lot of work to do.

I did a little research (thank you, Google) and came up with a few ways to beat cravings that I can imagine working, and I am going to start implementing them right now.

Brush your teeth – I can see this working because I don’t like to eat anything for a while after I brush my teeth.  I can also whiten them because that means no eating for at least two hours, but I certainly can’t do that every time I have a craving.  i don’t want my teeth to be so white that they glow in the dark. 😉

Avoid your triggers – Jeez.  This one is tough because so many things make me want to eat junk, but I get the point.  Last week I picked up my old friend, Clint ( aka The Suit) at the airport, and his flight didn’t come in until after midnight.  I had some time to kill so as I was driving past Krispy Kreme, I decided to order a doughnut.

Krispy Kreme Metairie

I avoid this place most of the time because it’s so easy to convince myself that I need to buy more than one doughnut, but that night I reminded myself that the gratification of the doughnut would make me feel good for about 30 seconds before it made me feel bloated, lethargic and regretful.  I left the parking lot…doughnut-less, and I felt like I had won a battle within myself.

Drink  water – I drink a lot of water, but it’s hot in New Orleans so I won’t hurt myself if I drink more than that.  I keep a few 32 oz. bottles filled at all times, and it’s fairly easy to drink one quickly.  I usually feel full for a while after that, but I also feel like I did something good for myself, thus making it a little bit easier to pass on the junk food.

Keep it out of your environment – I cleaned out my fridge last week and got rid of most of the things that aren’t good for me.  I have a pint of ice cream in the freezer, but it’s not a trigger for me.  I have a serving from time to time, but I’m usually okay with that.  I don’t keep chips or candy in my place most of the time, and when I bake, I get it out of my house quickly too.

It’s easier for me to succeed when I have healthy choices available instead of unhealthy ones which leads me to my next strategy…

Plan – When I chop veggies for stir fry or roasting, I eat them.   When I boil eggs so I have a quick snack, I eat them.  When I come up with new, delicious ideas like a banana + 1 tbps of freshly ground almond butter, I eat that.

Exercise – I don’t mean that you should hit the gym every single time you crave a cupcake (although that may not be a bad idea for me.)  I mean, if you’ve made time to exercise, it’s a little easier to remind yourself that you’re doing good things for your body.  Maybe it’s a good idea to do three sets of jumping jacks, planks or something similar instead of eating, but that won’t always be a realistic option.  I mean, the folks at Starbucks might look at me like I’m crazy if I start doing lunges when I’m craving baked goods.  (I just ten avoid them there.)

Having healthy options that I like allows me to eat food that tastes good which reminds me that I’m doing this because I can, not because I have to.

Eat regularly – I know that when I eat breakfast and exercise that I will likely have a healthy day.  I also know that when  I avoid eating until late afternoon, I’ll eat too much at that point so it’s important to eat in a timely way.

I realize that there must be a zillion other ways to fight cravings so I’d like to ask YOU to offer some advice on this.  My question is…

What strategies do you use to avoid cravings?

Or is there something that you think might work that we should try?

Many of you have learned how to deal with this successfully, but I’d like to think that I’m not the only one who still fights with myself to say no to overeating.

I’m working on this, and I’d like to know if you are too.  I’d also like to hear your ideas too so please take a moment to share them.

 

 

 

Baking, Bruises and Bouncing Back

Today is weigh-in day, but I’m out of town so I won’t officially weigh in until next week.  My scale at home told me that I was down almost two pounds, but I know that I can do more than I’m doing.  That will be my goal for the upcoming week.

My brain has been scattered this week, and I know that I need to get more sleep.  I know that my workouts will be longer and more effective if I’m not exhausted, and I won’t make mistakes like I did yesterday.  I’ve been taking the stairs to get to the roof of my tall building (where the gym is,) and my legs were feeling it yesterday.  I stepped onto the treadmill to do inclined intervals, and as I was stepping off, I twisted my ankle a little.  It’s not so bad that I can’t walk, but there’s a bruise just about my ankle bone that is screaming at me today.  I did manage to do some floor exercises too before heading back downstairs to shower and pack.

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Today will be a rest day which should be okay because I’ve planned out my meals.  I’ve been dodging cupcakes more than usual this week, but that’s over for now.  I baked over 100 red velvet cupcakes Monday for a movie themed party (that I did not attend,) and I didn’t eat them.  I didn’t even taste them, but I did receive compliments on them which made me happy.

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(Photos: Courtesy of Graceful Event Productions)

I whipped up a batch of tie dye cupcakes for game night at a friend’s house Tuesday too.  I tried those so I can tell you that they were good.  I didn’t take any with me when I left because I knew that if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t eat them.  As long as I can stick to that plan I should be okay.

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Baking allows me to feel artistic, but it’s a complicated practice when you’re addicted to sweets.  I don’t eat them nearly as often as I talk about them, but I know that I have to be careful.  I like them too much.

I’m baking a little more often (and on a larger scale) lately, and I’ve given some serious thought to whether or not it’s something I can do.  I haven’t decided yet.  I thought about whether or not I should mention it here too.  I know that by discussing this I’ll be judged harshly by some, but I’m judged by them anyway so why not?   This blog is about my life, and it’s something that I’ve been doing lately.

I also shopped for dresses this week because I am seeing His Holiness the Dalai Lama speak Saturday, and I want to look my best.  I chose two dresses, and I’ll probably definitely post photos on Facebook and Twitter to ask which one I should wear.

It has been a good week, but it has also been long.  And it’s not over yet.  Is anyone else ready for the weekend?  What do you have planned?

 

Getting Honest About Some Things

Before I begin I have to warn you that this post might be long and scattered because I have a lot to get off my chest today, and I’m not sure where to start.

I could never put into words how much I appreciate the unwavering support that I receive here.  Many of you have been here since the beginning waiting to see me reach my goal, encouraging me to keep trying.  I love you for that, and I hope you never stop.  But right now I need to start digging out of this rut of complacency that I have been in for a lot longer than I want to admit.

Losing 100 pounds is often enough to dramatically alter the lives of those who lose it, but it’s not enough for me. I have experienced so many positive changes, but this is not a post about that.  Right now I need to figure out how to change my mindset, how to make myself move forward again in a strong, steady and powerful way.

I don’t know how to climb out of this proverbial hole that I’ve been living in.  I’ve been living comfortably with the fact that I’ve lost so much weight for so long now that it feels like I need to start over.  My past accomplishments don’t need to be forgotten, but they’re old news…really old news.  And I want to bask in some new accomplishments.

Before I continue, I’m going to ask that everyone refrain from telling me that I’m more than a number on a scale, or that I need to love myself so others will, or that I won’t be happy when I get to my goal if I can’t be happy with myself now.  I’ve heard all of that, and I understand most of it.  But let’s face some facts today.

When I look at my life I see some things that I like and some things I still want to change, but everything is overshadowed by a giant dark cloud that is the number on the scale.

I used to encourage others by saying that you don’t have to reach your goal before you start feeling good about yourself. You just have to start.  And it’s true.  I know it’s true because when I said it, I was feeling it.   Right now, what I accomplished throughout the first part of this journey is simply not enough.  I’m still obese.

I could make a list of reasons I love and respect myself today, and that list has grown more in the last year than it has at any other point in my life.  I know that I’m a good person, and I have been working through emotions that are difficult to face because I’m trying to become a better person.  There’s a lot of work going on inside my head, and that’s important to recognize (even though most of it is far too personal to discuss in such a public forum.)

But the fact remains that when I look at myself, I see the number on the scale.  We can say it doesn’t define me, but the truth is that it is me.  My body grew to its largest size because of what I did to it, and whether I like to admit it or not, my size currently defines who I am above everything else.

Look, I have a host of other imperfections as well, but my size haunts me.  It’s the truth, my truth, and the things that led me to my extreme obesity (and the snowball effect it has had since) are not easy to face.  It’s hard to admit when you’re wrong, but I’ve been wrong a lot.  I made some pretty incredible mistakes.  I mistreated my body and my loved ones, and in many ways I led a life that could never have been happy and free if I didn’t begin to face those issues.

Before I started losing weight I would always say that I was a “good investment.”  I wanted to believe it was true because surely I’d eventually mature into more than I was – a grossly overweight, unhappy, unmotivated, unsuccessful shell of a human-being who didn’t value herself enough to create any positive change in herself.  (Yeah, the truth hurts, and it’s still not easy to admit now.)  But that’s how I viewed myself.

When guilt set in I told myself that I’d do better tomorrow.  I told myself constantly that the future was filled with hope, yet I failed to give myself any reasons to be hopeful.

Fast-forward to the present: I can’t say that I’m as horribly unhappy or unmotivated now as I was prior to 2009.  As I said, I like a lot of things about my life these days, but there are still some major things I need to change.

I need to change my environment.  I prefer living alone and in a city so I am planning a move into a cute little apartment in downtown New Orleans in the Fall.  Living alone will be good for me.  Controlling what is in the pantry and the refrigerator will be good for me.  I know that, but I also realize that everything I eat now is a choice.  It’s my choice, and it’s up to me to make better decisions.  One thing I’ve noticed spending most of my time downtown is that I’m more likely to go out for food.  It will be easier when I have my own little kitchen, but I will still have to make choices.  Living alone won’t solve everything, but it will be a big leap in the right direction.

I also need to claim what I really want.  I mean, I wish I was fit and trim, but we all know that I have to do a lot more than wish to be at goal.  It looks like I’m going to have to fight a hell of a lot harder than I did when I started my journey, and I have to accept that.  End of story.

I need a routine too.  I’m always on the go, and I don’t spend a lot of time in one place.  Just in the last few months I’ve been in Colorado, Virginia, D.C., New York, Houston, etc.  And over the next couple of months I’ll be in New York again, Baltimore, Los Angeles and Dallas (maybe Oklahoma too.)  Traveling a lot means that I have to have a different game plan.  I lost weight when I traveled before so I know it’s possible, but I have to be mindful.

I’m also lacking accountability.  I left Weight Watchers again recently after another bout of frustration with PointsPlus, and now my meeting no longer exists.  Say what you will, but weighing in at meetings every week changed my life.  I need to find a new meeting and make it my highest priority again.

I’ve gotten lazy with my workouts too.  Sure, I do them occasionally, but I love working out.  I crave endorphins nearly everyday so why the hell am I not doing it?  I don’t have a gym membership anymore, but there’s nothing stopping me from joining another one.  I’ll work that out this week, but until then I will do 30-Day Shred at home at least 5 times over the next 7 days.

I could drone on for hours about why it’s hard and how it’s not fair that I have so much further to go than the average person who loses as much as I’ve lost, but lamenting the work I have to do will not bring me closer to my goal.

I still say no to myself a lot more than I say yes, but I’m not doing enough.  I know that, and I take responsibility for that.

The fact is that my actions don’t help or hurt anyone except me.  I’m surrounded by people who love me and want me to be happy and healthy, but I have to get there on my own.  I’m happier than I was at 400+ pounds, but I’m not as happy as I’ll be at 150 pounds.  And it’s not because I don’t think I don’t deserve to be happy now.  It’s because I know that I am capable of so much more.

I’m preparing a life for myself in which obesity will no longer define me.  I’m in school studying Public Relations. (Yep, I declared recently.)  And I’m dreaming of a day when I can claim what I want for myself in my career and in relationships without the worry that my body is keeping me from fulfilling my desires.

This is my reality, friends.  This is my struggle, and no one can fix it except me.  Last week I admitted that I don’t know how, and sadly, I have not found the answer yet.  The truth is I can’t imagine stepping on the scale and seeing 275 or 250, or 199.  (I could see  the first number in the next month or so, but it feels as far as Mars!)

I don’t know how I did what I did the first time.  I don’t know how to wake up every morning with purpose.  I don’t know how to convince myself that today is the day (not tomorrow.)

I feel an utter lack of confidence and an overwhelming amount of insecurity, but I know what I want today.  I know what I want for my future, and I know that it’s mine for the taking.  I also know that I don’t have to get to my goal before I can start feeling on top of the world again.  I know I just have to start moving toward it.

This is my journey, and I’m doing things on my time.  I just need to turn the clock on again, and I need to remind myself that I’m worthy of it if I’m willing to work for it.

 

 

How Often Do You Buy Groceries?

I find myself at the supermarket at least a few times a week.  I things like chicken breast and turkey burgers in bulk, but I stop in regularly for fresh produce and other things that sound good one day and not the next.

This isn’t a great habit because I often buy unhealthy foods on a whim, then I eat them.  I’m trying not to do that right now, and I’m okay at least today.

How do you handle it?  How often do you find yourself at the grocery store?

 

Honest Answers

There are times in which I get comments on my blog that I don’t like, and sometimes when that happens I delete them.  I don’t mind if someone shares an opposing view, but after some of the bitterly scathing comments I’ve received over the last year I’ve decided that it’s okay to draw a line.

After appearing on Nightline in May I got a lengthy comment from someone who started by calling me names and telling me how gross I am before detailing (in several paragraphs) how he would rape me, why I deserved it and which “instruments” he’d use.  At that point I decided that it was okay to censor the comments, and I do.  I send comments from the nasty trolls who are,  for whatever reason, obsessed with me straight to the garbage too.

Most comments, even the most vitriolic, usually roll off my back without worry, but once in a while I receive a comment that really pisses me off.  The latest one doesn’t seem to be snarky so much as judgmental, but I didn’t like it so I sent it to the spam folder.  The messages in that folder typically get deleted without being read, but I saved this comment because I knew I wanted to address it.  I just needed some time to reflect on it first.  Here’s the crux of the comment:

“I’m fairly new around here, and no offense at all meant, but I don’t really see much about your progress these days other than mention of workouts and what not. Every once in a while I’ll see a cupcake reference. But where’s the “meat” of your journey these days. How are you really doing on the scale and mentally with your weight loss? I know sometimes we start off real with our blogs then get nervous as the number of subscribers rise. Just want to encourage you to post some real posts letting us know where you are, and what your struggles are, and update that weigh-ins tab every now and then because we can’t support you unless we know where you really are. :)

Here’s my honest answer:

I pour my heart out here so if you don’t know who I am it’s because you’re not reading.  Since I started this blog I have been painfully honest about my strengths, faults, realizations, fears, accomplishments, etc., and  I take pride in the fact that I don’t write anything  just because I think people want to hear it.  If I did that, I’d have a very different blog – perhaps a more successful one.

Here’s the thing…This journey is hard for me, and I don’t pretend it’s not.  Losing the first hundred pounds wasn’t terribly difficult at the time, but losing the second hundred feels nearly impossible.  The truth is that I resent the fact that I’ve lost over 100 pounds, and that I still have so much to lose.  Most people lose 100 pounds and find that their lives and bodies are completely different, but I’m still fat.  I still don’t know what it’s like to feel sexy or pretty.  I workout like a maniac, and I still don’t know what it feels like to run five miles. I hate what I did to my body, and I hate that I still don’t seem to have everything under control.

My blog has definitely played a huge role in my health, in so much as I’ve managed to keep off over 100 pounds, but I struggle every single day with where to go from here.

I suppose I was offended by this comment because I don’t pretend to be losing weight when I’m not.  I haven’t bothered updating my weight-loss log because I fluctuate between the same few pounds, and I have been for ages.  I finally broke through a major scale barrier recently only to go a few pounds above that number again.  It’s frustrating.  How many times can I possibly say the same thing?

But there’s a fair question here that I had to take some time to seriously contemplate before I could even attempt to answer it.

How are you really doing on the scale and mentally with your weight loss?

Well, I think it’s obvious that I’m not doing as well as I could be doing.  I should be doing more, but I haven’t been.  I could make excuses, but honestly I feel lost and unable to carve out a new groove.  I start the day strong, but as evening approaches I find myself throwing caution to the wind with my food choices.  A voice is my head says “screw it, let’s try again tomorrow.” I fight those feelings from around dusk until I fall into bed almost every night.

Working out makes me happy.  I love endorphins, but I’ve been discouraged by that lately too.  Sure, I’ve burned some calories, but it’s been several weeks since I had an earth shattering workout that makes me feel like I can take on the world.  I love that feeling, and as I write about it I’m inspired to crush a workout today.

I don’t have excuses for why it’s hard, or why I’ve lacked focus for far so long.  God knows I don’t want to quit, but I also have to admit that I’ve been doing just enough to get by. I’m not eating so much that I’ll put the hundred pounds back on, but I’m eating too much to keep losing.  I’m still obese, and I still have so much work to do! That realization makes me feel like a failure, and that’s not easy to admit on my blog or in my own mind.

Food is my nemesis, but too often I treat it like it’s my best friend.   I know that it shouldn’t be either of those things, but I don’t know how to change it.  I don’t know how to convince myself that I don’t need as much of it as I want.  I don’t know how to squelch any of these feelings, and that makes me feel like a failure too.

Look, I certainly don’t eat everything my brain tells me  to eat.  I say no to myself all the time, but I still say yes far too often.  I know I should have this figured out by now, and I did for a while.  But right now I’m back at square one, and I’m terrified.

I know that I have to eat less if I want to see the numbers steadily decrease again. I also know that regardless of what anyone else wants for me I have to be strong by myself.  And as much as I wish I could fix this through surgery or pills, the fact of the matter is that I have to deal with my emotions and how they pertain to food.  I know this.  I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to convince myself to do it.

I don’t know how to convince myself that I’m worth the effort everyday.  I don’t feel like I’m worth it, and that’s the reality of where I am right now.

I know that major weight-loss is possible – even for me, but I don’t know how to move forward.  I’m a totally different person than I was 100 pounds ago, and going back is not an option.  I just want to go forward.  I don’t know when I’ll be ready to put one foot in front of the other again, and I don’t know if it will ever get easier.  All I know is that I won’t give up no matter what everyone else thinks of me.

This journey is about a lot more than losing weight.  It’s about learning to love myself, being honest with myself and learning to truly accept myself.  It’s about dealing with my emotions instead of hiding from them, and it’s about becoming content with the person I am as I strive to be better.  That’s the “meat” of my journey, and I’m pretty sure that as I figure those things out the weight will start coming off again.

Until then, I’m going to keep trying to convince myself that I’m worth it.  I don’t know what else to do.