Tag Archives: Self-acceptance

The Truth About Love

It’s Valentine’s Day, and I’m single.  I could tell you that I hate the holiday…that it’s a corporate holiday that was created to increase revenue, blah, blah, blah…but the truth is, I love Valentine’s Day.  I love love….giving it and receiving it.  And though I don’t have a date this year (for the second consecutive year) I do have love.  I am loved.

I’m loved by my mother who would do anything in the world to make sure that her girls are safe and happy.  I’m loved by my dad who is proud of me for being as smart as he is. Right Dad? 😉  I’m loved by my sister and her family…Seriously, Hannah has instinctively known that she was supposed to love me since she was born.  I’m loved by Janice and Barbara and many other relatives.  I’m loved by my friends.  And I love all of them just as much.

Eddie Vedder from my favorite band, Pearl Jam sings these lyrics “…Oh, I’m a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love… Some folks just have one, and others they’ve got none…”  And though I’m not a man, the rest fits.  I may not be in love with a guy who’s in love back, but I do give and receive love everyday.

I love myself more now than ever too.  I’m resilient and determined and bright.  I’m also compassionate and sincere and working harder now than ever to see the beauty in myself instead of only seeing the flaws.

So even though my only date today will be with the elliptical machine, I am loved, and I deserve to be loved.  I’m open to it, but I’m not looking for it.  Remember Future Mr. Kenz….I want you to find me!  😉

Happy Valentine’s Day lovies……xxoo

Can Someone My Size Have A Traditional MRI?

I have a few questions for you today, but first, let’s talk about weigh-in day.  It’s today, and I’m ready.  I’ve taken a few peeks at my weight through the week, and I’m not expecting to see a loss.  It’s frustrating because I’ve exercised hard all week, and my eating habits have been great (with the exception of a few minutes last week.)  And while I’m not perfect, my week has been healthy overall…So I’m going to focus on the fact that I did 5 and 6 miles on the elliptical, weight training and other forms of cardio.

Over the last seven days I completed 5 miles on the elliptical then completed 6 miles a couple of days later.  I worked out before the sun came up, and I got it done last night even though I just didn’t feel like it.  I’m also going to appreciate the fact that I’ve found new vegetables to love and new ways to prepare and consume them.  I’m going to adjust my workouts, continue to refine my eating choices and look forward to another healthy week.  And now, on to my question…

A Facebook friend reached out to me about her nervousness over having an MRI next week.  She’s about my size, and she’s not sure what to expect.

Has anyone my size or larger ever had an MRI?  Does someone my size have to worry about fitting into a traditional machine?  I’ve read that the general MRI tube can hold over 400 pounds, but my only experience with it has been the open option.  The open MRI is obviously a good idea for obese patients, but it’s not always available. Do any of you have experience in a regular MRI machine?  Should someone under 300 pounds be worried about fitting?

The test is nerve-racking even without the added fears of fitting.  I hope you’ll join me in wishing her a positive and healthy outcome.




I read a quote that inspired me recently.  Actually, it did more than inspire me….It has impacted my thoughts and actions over the last several weeks, and it has had a powerful affect on my choices.  I’ve already shared it, but I have to share it again.

“The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do.”

I’ve been doing things differently around here, and it seems to be working.  I’ve forgiven myself for maintaining my weight last year (as opposed to losing.)  I’m refocused, back in school, and I’m doing what it takes to live a healthy life one day at a time.  And for me, that means making better food choices.

I exercised regularly last year, and while my heart/blood pressure/etc benefited from it, my weight stayed virtually the same (until it spiked a little over the holidays.)  So far this year, my workouts have been solid, but I’ve been much more conscientious of what I’m eating.  While exercise is important, what we eat – how we fuel our bodies, is important too.  My eating habits have not been perfect, but they’ve been better overall.  And I’m still trying to improve.

Yesterday, I completed a short, early morning workout at the gym before the sun came up, and I did a longer workout at home in the afternoon.  I snacked on spinach and kale and ate foods that were high in protein along with fruits and vegetables and copious amounts of water.  I’m even trying to get more uninterrupted sleep!  It’s amazing how alert I feel when I can sleep without distractions for 5 to 6 hours so I’d like to work up to 7 or 8.  We’ll see if that happens…

That’s really all I have to say at the moment.  If my food and exercise choices came together perfectly everyday, I’d have very little to discuss here.  But today, I’ll just be thankful that I’m healthy and strong, and I’ll worry about the rest of the week/month/year as it comes.

How’s your week progressing?  Are you struggling?  Is it a breeze?

Screw the Fries…I’m Having Salad…

I’ve been in a pretty healthy groove again since late December, but I’ve had some thoughts in the last 24 hours that have helped me regain some of the confidence that I lost last year…

Shortly before dinner last night, I went to the grocery store to pick up some vegetables to add to my salad.  And on the way home, I passed a restaurant that makes gigantic, deep-fried cheese sticks that make me salivate whether I’m hungry or not (even right now.)  And for a moment I thought about the days long ago that I used to visit here, drive to that place and pick up an order (or two) of the big, hot cheese sticks and eat them all when I got home – followed by a 3 scoop ice cream sundae.  That occurrence (though not with this particular restaurant)  was far too familiar in those days, and when I’d finish, I’d feel sick and promise myself that I wouldn’t do that again…then I’d do it again.

As I drove by that place last night I realized that I hadn’t given it a thought in years.  And when the restaurant did catch my attention, for a split second, I thought about those days.  I remembered a time in my life in which I ate without thinking twice about it, and I remembered the taste of those stupid cheese sticks.

But in the next moment, I smiled as I drove by because I thought about my life now.  Sure, I don’t take a bite or a drink of anything without calculating it in my mind, and everyday I wake up and think about the workout I’m going to do.  I go out of my way to look up nutrition facts, and often times,  it takes monumental effort to tell myself no.

And last night I thought about how delicious those cheese sticks would have been for a moment before coming home to see homemade french fries that my visiting relatives were eating while I was preparing to have a big spinach and cabbage salad.

And as I sat down with my family, after a little teasing, I took a few bites of the fries before quickly pushing away the rest, and I said…”Do you know how hard it is to pass up those fries right now?  Not nearly as hard as it was to walk up a flight of stairs before I started making healthy choices.  Screw the fries.  I’m having the salad.

I got up immediately and prepared my giant salad with baby spinach, romaine, cabbage, cucumbers and tomato with a little protein on the side then sat down again and ate it while I enjoyed their company.

I’m not saying that we have to choose salad over fries every time, but I am saying that while the fries or the cheese sticks, no doubt, would have tasted great for a few minutes, the salad which was loaded with healthy and hearty things that I like too, left me feeling full and satisfied while bringing me closer to my goals.  And with that knowledge, I can tell you that last night’s salad was the best salad I’ve ever eaten.

A few minutes after dinner, the dull craving I experienced (which I’m going to talk about it a post soon) passed, and I was happy with my choice to eat something healthy, flavorful, delicious and filling.

I know that my journey is not over and that some days will be harder than others – I’m no stranger to that.   But today, I am not intimidated or nervous or anxious about it.  Instead, I’m clinging to the knowledge that I can do this…I am doing it, and once again, and it feels good to say that I’m healthier today than I was yesterday.


Can Obesity Be Sexy?

Being a plus-size girl has its challenges.  Piecing together fabulous outfits is harder (though it’s definitely easier for plus-size girls now than it was a decade ago.)  Working out is harder (I’ve talked about the side effects of tough workouts before even though I don’t regret them.)  And feeling desirable is harder too.

When a guy wants me, it’s not because of my body.  He wants me in spite of my body.  And while having a boyfriend who finds himself attracted to my sexy brain is awesome, I can’t help but wonder how incredible it would be if the outside were sexy too.  And that concept is completely foreign to me.

Some people say that “sexy” is a state of mind, but that’s not true inside my sexy brain.  Obesity isn’t sexy to  me, and I’m obese.  I hate using that term because it sounds so derogatory, but it’s the truth (even if I’m doing what I can to change it. )  And I wish it were different.  I wish I was different.

I’m not saying that I don’t have days in which I feel pretty.  I do.  I had a lot more of them when I weighed 10 pounds or so less than I do now, and I know I’ll probably have them again. And I feel cute a lot.  I wear cute clothes and quality make-up.  I have straight, pearly white teeth and full lips.  I know I’m not hideous, but I’ve never felt sexy...ever

I feel cute with braids in my hair...

I give myself pep talks.  I stare at myself in the mirror when my make-up is freshly applied, and I eat it up (yeah, I caught the pun) when Cal kisses my ears or my nose and tells me how cute I am which he often does.  But those things don’t make me sexy.  And if being sexy means having the right attitude then I’m in trouble because I don’t know how to change my attitude.

I will reach my health and weight goals someday, but what should I do until then?  Should I tell the world that “I am sexy the way I am, and if you don’t agree, forget you?”  Should I go back to thinking  “I don’t like how I look so why should anyone else?”  Is there a healthier middle-ground somewhere that I’m missing?

Are you plus-size?  If so, do you have insecurities about how you look? (Sorry folks…I love you all, but this question is directed to those who are similar in size to me right now.)  How do you feel about you body image?  Do you have a healthy perception of yourself?  Do you believe it when others say you’re sexy?  Do they say it?



Not My Shining Moment, But…

I did it.  I weighed in, and I’m up 8 pounds since my last weigh-in.  I knew that I wouldn’t like what I saw on the scale, but as I said yesterday…I admit it, and I take responsibility for it.  And that’s really all I have to say about it.

Actually, I do have one more thing to say.  Attendance was down in my meeting tonight, as I’ve heard it has been in other meetings.   And it would have been very easy to skip the meeting/weigh-in tonight, but I am so glad I went.  I am proud of myself for going – for keeping the promise to myself to show up and keep trying.

I stepped on the scale feeling discouraged, and I stepped off of the scale feeling discouraged.   But I left the meeting feeling refueled and refreshed and ready to take on the new week.  That’s why it is so important for me to attend the meetings – even those that I don’t want to attend.  It’s why Weight Watchers works.

I’m so thankful for the group I’ve found here.  When I left New York, I could not imagine finding another group that was filled with compassionate and like-minded people, but I have.  And I’m thankful for it.  Now I’ve said everything I have to say today. 😉


Sex and Cupcakes

I spend a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with food, my daily habits and my self-worth.  I constantly remind myself that I’ve come a long way…that I’m strong enough to do this…And yet, after all this time, I still don’t understand why (or how) food consumes my mind so much from day to day.

I constantly crave cupcakes – constantly. Sometimes I want to look at them (cupcake shaped items like candles, cookie jars, etc.)  Other times, I want to wear them (note my apron or the Tiffany cupcake charm on my bracelet.) Sometimes I want to bake them, but I always want to eat them.  I do not eat cupcakes (and/or other sweet snacks) nearly as often as I day dream about them, but I do want to figure out how and why my mind lusts after  rich, decadent, cream cheese frosted mini cakes of deliciousness on such a regular basis. (See? I’m doing it again!)

I love this little charm...:)

Is it my love for new York (the place in which I developed my cupcake habit?)  Is it because cupcakes are so often associated with happy events like holidays, birthdays and parties?

For many years, I assumed that my love for sweet treats and other junk food came from a lack of romance and physical affection…I assumed that I was using food to compensate for the things I wanted and didn’t quite have, but I had a realization recently (yep, facing facts again) that it’s not true.  These days, I’m struggling with my food intake.  We all know that.  But I’m not eating because I’m sad…I’m not eating because I’m stressed or because I feel like something is missing.  I don’t really know why I crave more than I need, but I still do.  I’m still chasing my personal “a ha moment!”

Since I started dating Cal a few months ago, I’ve been showered with attention, compliments and kisses. (Don’t worry Cal…I won’t go into too much detail after this post.)  I know he thinks about me, misses me when I’m not around, etc.  He’s not afraid to show affection for me in public, but he’s happy to show affection privately too.  In short, I know our feelings are mutual which means that my cupcake lust theory (craving food because I lack a mental and physical connection with someone who matters to me) is completely off base.

I crave physical affection (yes, I’m talking about sex and everything that goes along with it in a serious relationship,) but I still crave cupcakes too.  When I think about Cal – how excited I am to see him…how much fun we’ll have – I sometimes find myself thinking that it will be even better if we stop at Menchie’s for fro-yo or Whole Foods for salad, brie and a baguette.  I don’t understand why my mind reacts that way, but I hope to figure it out at some point.

Life feels pretty damn good right now.  I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.  But I still have goals, and I still have some hurdles to cross.  I’m thankful that the man I crave wants me today, but I’m also thankful that he willingly offers his support (by making healthier choices himself and creating healthy and satisfying meals for me from time to time.)

I have some habits that I need to change, but I’m an intelligent, capable person who doesn’t quit so I’m going to keep fighting this personal battle with food.  I am determined to win it so today I’m going to focus on enjoying things in life that matter reminding myself that I don’t have to understand my cravings to control them. 

How do you handle intense, recurring cravings?   Am I the only one who has ever experienced food lust?



The Big Picture

I knew I’d see a gain this week, and I did.  And based on my actions last weekend, I’m relieved that it was 3 pounds as opposed to 10 pounds.  I’ll see a nice loss next Thursday, and I’m looking forward to that.

Before I went to my meeting, I went to the doctor.  And my toe is still in the same shape it was in last night.  They couldn’t remove the nail so they decided to send me to a podiatrist who will charge a few hundred dollars (he doesn’t accept my insurance) to tell me whether or not he will remove it or just let it do its own thing.  He can’t see me until next week anyway so I’ll skip that appointment and figure out how to wear a shoe today.  Thankfully, it doesn’t hurt too badly when nothing is touching it so I won’t have to experience life on the sidelines though my workouts might have to change a bit over the next few days.

Any suggestions?

During this week’s meeting, we talked about the big picture, and my big picture looks good.  It’s easy to get complacent, and it’s easy to dismiss the successes we’ve had when we’re still working so hard to achieve more.  But the fact is that my big picture looks great.  Over the last week, I’ve purchased smaller jeans, and I’ve also seen some big improvements since my last doctor’s visit.

My blood pressure was 122/76 which is down a bit from last time, and I can finally weigh-in on their scale though I couldn’t last time I visited that office – proof that at one point, I weighed well over 400 pounds!  And having this foot injury has reminded me of what life was like before I started losing weight.  I didn’t walk, I waddled.  And I was always tired and out of breath.  And I was so heavy that the doctor’s exam table used to tip when I climbed up – that was not the case this time.

So I’m disappointed that I gained this week even though I expected it, but I’m also resolved to do better as I mentioned in a post earlier this week.  This is a long road, but I’m on it.  And I’m ready to move forward today.  Are you?

What does your big picture look like?  Are you happy with it?

Internal Reset

I’m finally starting to dig out of the hole I’ve been in during the last couple of weeks, and while I have used feeling guilty about feeling happy as an excuse to eat poorly and skip workouts over the last several days, I’m done.  That line of thinking isn’t getting me anywhere (that I want to be) so everything starts new right now.

Last week, I expressed to Cal that I felt bloated and completely yucky because I had eaten crap for a few days in a row which was really, more accurately, a few weeks in a row. And he offered to help me turn it around if I wanted him to, and he started by reminding my how much I love egg whites and veggies Sunday morning.  We were in a rush to get to Uncle W’s memorial service, but instead of grabbing marshmallow treats, he helped me chop zucchini and tomatoes for egg white omelets to go.  My day started strong, but it went downhill when I saw the cupcakes at the dinner after the memorial.  I ate the cupcake with the understanding that I was emotionally eating it and decided that my next decision would be healthy.

Monday, I experienced a flawless day of eating.  Everything I ate was unprocessed, and I ate more vegetables than I ate in the week prior (maybe not literally.)  Eating that way makes me feel phenomenal, by the way.  And my intake yesterday wasn’t as bad as the week prior, but there’s a lot of room for improvement today.  For lunch, I ate out then Cal made a delicious dinner for me featuring some of my favorite things – chicken breast, spinach, garlic, etc over a little penne pasta.  It was delicious, and I was totally giddy and focused on him for hours in spite of a few interruptions.  He lives two hours away, but we both get good gas mileage (thankfully) so I get to see  him pretty often, and I have to say that I really like this guy.  Just saying.

He made it, and it was good...Mmmm...

My weigh-in isn’t until tomorrow, but I’m restarting now.  I have to.  I want to.   Stepping on the scale will not be a pleasant experience tomorrow, but I’d still rather own up to it than hide from it.  I hid for a long time – from the mirror, from the scale…and that’s not how I do things now.  That unhappy girl who lived with shame for years left when I began this journey in 2009, and she’s not coming back.  Today is a new day, and I’m hitting my internal reset button right now.

In September, I thought I was back on track, and I was.  Then life threw another big, emotional curve ball, and I turned to food and exhibited some habits that I’m not proud of…but guess what.  I can reverse my habits again, and I will keep working on the inside (through my WW meetings, my therapy sessions and some good ‘ole self-reflection) to understand why I still turn to food during sad times, happy times, anytime…  And I’ll be working through it in jeans that are a size smaller.  I bought a new pair of jeans yesterday that were a size smaller than my last pair that are almost identical!  After trying on several pairs in my new size, I accepted that my body is shrinking again.  And that is so encouraging!

Last week, my friend Jodi, asked me if I was a compulsive eater.  (She has lost as much as I need to lose, and kept it off!)  And I said that I really wasn’t sure so probably not, but maybe I am.  Maybe it’s been obvious to everyone except me.  Either way, I’m going to keep working on my relationship with food.  And I’m going to keep digging until I understand why I thought I could be comforted by it even when I was comforted by my family and a tall, brilliant guy who was willing to hug me and kiss away my tears all weekend.

While I’ve reflected on these things, I’ve been at the gym this week, and I’ve been on my bike.  And I love being on that bicycle so I am setting some new bike focused goals for the week in addition to my cardio and weights habit.


I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying……….and I’m going to keep trying.